Brothels in Lanzarote
About 3 years ago I went abroad with my uncles, they owned a villa in a rather nice area in Lanzarote they were selling it and I flew out with them for a week of sun, sand, beer and renovating and clearing out the villa.

It all started relatively well, on the beach front there was a kind of complex with restaurants and cyber cafés and little bars etc and also a strip club that just seemed to be in the middle of all the more family orientated stuff. It was always closed when we were out eating and having a few beers, most nights we were back at the villa for about midnight.

One evening after a superb steak with Roquefort sauce I had been chatting to a couple of young lasses from Newcastle and when the older folk headed back to the villa I stayed out with these two, only to discover they had a nice bag of shite coke. A few more sherbets and some dodgy coke and a good old dance...I didn't pull so decided to walk back to the villa. By the time I left the lasses I was a good couple of miles down the beach front from the local complex that was about 600 metres from the villa. I would have got a taxi but had about €20 to my name and I was saving that.

As I neared the complex I realised the light for the strip bar was on, all other bars in the locality were closed, as I neared the strip joint in my flip flops and combat shorts and dodgy primark t shirt (or saink) I realised there was a lady on a stool outside with a peephole bra on and the full stiletto suspenders get up going on. I was high, it seemed like a good idea I walked in, sat at the bar and enquiries to the price of a drink as lots of lovely ladies paraded around. At this point I bought a corona, at the price of €10 a bottle. The lone guy sat on the still next to me gave me a nod, I asked if they sold fags behind the bar and the barman just handed me about 6 loose fags. I sparked up. As I sparked a fag a beautiful blonde the likes of which I had never seen before sat next to me, I tried to explain I had only come for one last drink and a smoke. I glanced towards the door I had walked in and saw about 4 huge and I mean FUCKING MASSIVE black men in white best tops, it was also at this time I saw two women leading two men from behind a curtained area, the men were still doing their jeans and flies up.

Something clicked...I had walked into a brothel, the guy sat on the still had just placed another bottle in front of me, which he refused to accept payment for and telling me he was the manager and I could just pay afterwards, after what I thought...I was being eye balled after giving the blonde the brush off...I panicked, pretended my phone was ringing and headed towards the door. Only to be stopped by the men with the muscles explaining that I hadn't paid, I have them the last €10 I had and insisted I had to take the call.

I walked back passed the bondage woman (who was more scary than te guys in the bar) I walked out and started to pretend to have a long and boring conversation on the phone all the time being watched by miss fucking whiplash like a hawk. Her attention was momentarily distracted, I kicked my flip flops off and fucking legged it.

The next day we went down for breakfast to a cafe pretty much on the doorstep of this brothel, and there outside the door were my flip flops, a bottle of corona and 4 loose fags. Like some kind of mocking calling card.

I didn't go down there again for the next 2 days instead opting to hide in the villa with "a belly ache"

Tl;Dr get fucked
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 25 Jul 2014, 13:32, 5 replies)

It's important to point out the ethnicity of the bouncers for some reason.

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 25 Jul 2014, 13:51, closed)

Ah now as I was writing this I thought that was probably going to sound bad
However and this is going to sound worse...it was very very dark in there. And whether it being the drunkenness of myself, the drugs, or simply things that are black tend to be harder to see when it's very very dark. Despite the white vests I totally missed them. And I apologise to anyone that may be offended by the inadvertent and totally innocent potentially racist connotations I may have implied here.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 25 Jul 2014, 13:58, closed)

No more questions your honour.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 25 Jul 2014, 21:50, closed)

^This^

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sat 26 Jul 2014, 8:43, closed)

really too long and did not read which is sad because for once you may have been of interest

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 25 Jul 2014, 21:19, closed)

You'd have been disappointed.
After all, who hasn't had to leg it from a brothel at one time or another? And honestly, the "nice" bit of Lanzarote?
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Sat 26 Jul 2014, 2:52, closed)