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This is a question Wanking Disasters Part II

Despite the warnings contained in our previous question on The Act of Onan, you all still appear to be masturbating like monkeys in a zoo. Tell us your stories of jerking the gherkin and double-clicking the mouse.

Suggested by Mrs Entity and DaveExclamationMark, voted for by YOU

(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 12:22)
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Easily distracted...
Spanky's little tale reminded me of one of my many visits to the IVF clinic to do my duty in the hope of producing a little SteamedCleaner. The clinic we used was clearly catering to couples of all persuasions as amongst the standard porn mags were a few featuring nothing but muscle clad blokes in the nud (well I assumed they were full of them, I only looked at the covers, honest). Alternatively they were catering for blokes who were in serious denial about the reason they were unable to procreate.

One particular visit I really wasn't in the right mood and spent a few minutes flicking through the magazines, trying to raise a smile. "Oh, she's flexible", flick, "She looks a right grumpy cow", flick, flick "Ah, the wonders of silicone and PhotoShop", flick, flick, flick, "Hey, an article about whitewater kayaking in New Zealand!"

And so it was that half an hour later I heard a timid knock on the door followed by a hushed "Is everything alright in there?"

"Erm, yeah fine" I replied and hurriedly put away the plans I'd scribbled on the back of the appointment letter detailing the best NZ rivers to run at what time of year and details of return flights. A quick return to the real matter in hand and I had a rather unimpressive sludge at the bottom of the jar. I'm sure whoever was on the other side of the collection hatch looked at it and said "Half an hour for that! No wonder they need IVF."
(, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:59, 9 replies)
And did you manage to create
a mini Cleaner?
(, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 16:27, closed)
And she's just woken me up by jumping on me. The toddler alarm clock works every time.
(, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 22:58, closed)
Well done :-)
(, Wed 23 Feb 2011, 1:07, closed)
I take it the missus isn't allowed to help?
Mind you, saliva may cause a problem with IVF I suppose...
(, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 17:42, closed)
Usually she was busy with injections, ultrasound etc. anyway. There's sod all romance or eroticism about IVF. Over time it just becomes a tedious routine. In the end we had to go with a donor egg and that brings its own little quirks. You've got to fill your cup at pretty much the same time as the donor is having her eggs harvested. By the time I'd got out of the wanking room our donor was sitting in the waiting room. I gave her a big smile and said "Did the earth move for you too?"
(, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 23:58, closed)
I can imagine.
Hope you took my lighthearted remark as just that. My boss and her husband had to go the IVF route and the scant details I got made it sound like a painful and depressing process for both of them.
I'm glad the donor egg worked, because with determination like yours I'm sure your kid is/will be well lokked after.
(, Wed 23 Feb 2011, 19:00, closed)
She is well looked after
Anyway, I'm too busy for a long reply, I've got to go and let her out of her cage and hose her down for her annual wash. It's her birthday so it's only fair she gets spoiled a little today.
(, Wed 23 Feb 2011, 23:15, closed)
This gets my vote for the win.
A simple story, well told and made me chuckle. Good work.
(, Wed 23 Feb 2011, 1:23, closed)
Huh, huh
"Whitewater Kayaking", huh huh.
(, Wed 23 Feb 2011, 19:43, closed)

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