I can't believe it's taken me all week to remember this.
I used to work in a garden centre at weekends and during school holidays. During one particularly decent summer, business was brisk and the owners had to take on temporary extra weekend staff to keep up with the constant flow of families after their Clematis addisonii or trying to create a boundary with their Cupressus macrocarpa.

(Sorry, not sure why I am showing off with the latin names, I guess I just don't get a chance to use this knowledge very often).

Anyway, we go this Carribean guy in, who was great, but...well...odd...and struggled with some English colloquialisms. I'd be having a bit of banter with the boss and later find myself being cornered by him, asking things like' What dis word "twat" mean?' or 'Dis word "tosser", what dat mean?'

The temptation to lie was too great, and before long he had a whole vocabulary of made up meanings. 'Tosser' was a type of Rose, 'Twatting' was the act of trimming the branches off fruit trees. He had different meanings for Wanker, Minge, Cockmunch and all sorts. I mean, it was funny, and no harm done really, he worked in the potting sheds and greenhouses mainly, not dealing with customers, so there was no risk of minsunderstanding on the whole.

Apart from the day when someone came in to buy some plants and he happened to be walking out of the shed and got cornered for help. I saw him wandering up and down the rows of plants, helping this old lady put different things on the trolly, Sciadopityaceae Voltziales, Geranium cinereum, Aster linosyris, and so on.

Finally, they went off to the shop and he started running things up on the till, and I walked in to see him checking the last of the plants to make sure there were no greenfly or anything. He looked up, and in front of the old lady he looked at me and said 'Hey, just in time to help with wanking dis Aster'






Oh holy fuck, that was awful. I know it, you know it, we all know it. And yet...after the effort I went to looking up the latin names, I'm still not sorry.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 8:58, 8 replies)

It has been read, and now it can't be unread.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 9:47, closed)

Why Scarpe
Why?
( Trollman, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 10:37, closed)

fucking hell
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 10:47, closed)

You should have kept that one to yourself....
as a privet joke.
(Mao's stepson is doing his bit for East/West relation's, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 11:35, closed)

Oi!
leaf it out!
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 11:45, closed)

all the way to the punchline
I can see why it took all week
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 12:15, closed)

I actually quite liked it
BUT my spider senses began to tingle when you started using the second halves of the latin names.
(mersault, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 12:47, closed)

I'm not disappointed
I'm fucking dis custard.
( IHaveABadFeelingAboutThis most likely working from home on, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 12:48, closed)