I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to think of this…I sit opposite her EVERY DAMN DAY!

….and this is a real one…please keep reading…this is a pun-free zone GUARANTEE!

Her name…is ‘L’

I suppose the reason she didn’t immediately strike me as a bastard colleague was because her bastardness is not about what she does…but what she doesn’t do.

The thing is…she doesn’t.do.anything.

Being the proud owner of more fat than a deep fried kebeb, and weighing a quarter of a metric Tonne, she slouches on her chair like Jabba the Hut’s uglier sister. She still insists on wearing low-cut tops that make me want to gag on my own bile.

The only time she moves all day is to waddle the 5 yards outside where she can have a fag and add another dimension to the stale honk that surrounds her.

She chums up to management so badly I’m surprised you can actually make out her head, and not just the imprint of the boss’s anal cavity.

However, she does know exactly who to manipulate and blatantly take advantage of

She is picked up at her front door every morning by someone who indulges in ‘lift sharing’. It will not surprise you that after a few years of this, it hasn’t quite got round to L’s turn yet. This might have something to do with the fact that L never drives her car. So it’s become less a case of lift sharing, than lift scavving.

We also have a ‘sandwich van’ that stops by everyday to dispense its wares (I can recommend the badly heated pasties, but my arse can’t – see previous posts). She gets someone else to go and get her food for her. Why the sap does it for her is a mystery to me.

Despite the fact that I put together an Access database for her department that saves her 4 hours work a day (which she has quickly managed to ‘fill with additional tasks’ so is unable to help anybody else in her department) she still whined when there was a slight overlap on one of the reports which means with her printer settings, it prints 2 pages instead of one.

Oh, the horror!

Still, it doesn’t stop her snarling “Are you ever going to get this right?” when my boss is around.

Another thing she doesn’t do is wash herself properly. Think Waynetta Slob if she really let herself go (apologies for Britishness of comparison). Only the other day I stumbled across a very animated receptionist engaged in what appeared to be a heated conversation with a colleague. I soon discovered that they were merely discussing their frustrations with ‘L’. It became apparent when I heard the phrase:

“I just wanna pin her down and give her a good scrub”

But all of these things pale into comparison to the one thing that well and truly leaves my cheese out in the wind. It might seem small, petty even, but when it happens to you with such freakish regularity it can eat away at the very fibre of your soul…

There are four of us in a coffee group…and she has NEVER ONCE made a coffee.

So every single fuck-facing day, the three of us will make ourselves…and her…a drink. She doesn’t even say ‘Thank you’, she just takes it and waits for the next one.

I can’t comprehend the sheer bloody-mindedness of a person who will accept 5 cups of coffee a day and never, ever offer to make one back.

In over a year.

I would feel sooo embarrassed that if I even suspected people considered I was taking the piss to such an extent, I would’ve taken my own life long ago.

Yet she continues…and nobody says anything.

I now try desperately to wait for her numerous fag breaks before getting the round in, as every coffee I get her makes me want to throw it into her Moomintroll face, then stick a hunting knife in my own spinal column in protest at my pathetic weakness.

One of the other guys in the coffee group is a bloody nice bloke, and so does whatever it takes to keep everybody happy, the third guy says he sees it as a challenge, to see how long she will go before she finally caves…

I think he’s got a fucking long wait…longer than me in fact, cos I’m getting out of here.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 30 Jan 2008, 12:17, 11 replies)

leaves my cheese in the wind
that's gold

the rest is good too naturally
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 12:19, closed)

Hey Pooflake! Hey hey, Pooflake! Hey...
She's a fat-tard cow... um... league.

Isn't she? Eh? Eh?

Anyway, why not put some pee in her coffee? Or some flakes of poo, hence playing to your name? Difficult to administer in an office, I'll grant you, but not impossible for a man of your caliber, surely.
(Sir Harrington Titsmith disgraced himself on, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 12:26, closed)

Well bugger me senseless!

By Jove Sir HT, I think you're on to something there...

She drinks black coffee...hmmm

I'm off to scrape my undercrackers for a juicy java she'll never forget!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 30 Jan 2008, 12:28, closed)

Oh Christ...
more bad puns... *slump*

I used to have a colleague a bit similar. I think everyone does. She used to come in at 9, having just left her mum's (still lived at home), put her make up on at her desk, then ring her mum for 15 minutes... whom she'd just said goodbye to not half an hour previously. She never, EVER made the tea (after the tea club had been established), and always made herself scarce when it came to doing the filing at the end of the day...

Lazy, skiving bint.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 30 Jan 2008, 12:30, closed)

She's one of many
And I reckon they get away with it because they can. Most of them end up as managers. Seems to be a general rule of progression: brown-nose, lie, cheat and make others look bad... and you're tipped for the top because the ones at the top got there the same way.
(frankspencer, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 12:35, closed)

Well...
... I work on my own most of the time in a small office, mostly lurking on b3ta.

This morning, not only have I failed to make myself a cup of tea (despite the fact I made one for myself yesterday), but I have repeatedly looked up find myself staring at myself in a suggestive manner, I have written several unsavoury emails to myself and I recently caught myself sniffing my chair seat.

I'm considering lodging a complain with myself about myself. I don't know how much more I can take.
(Sir Harrington Titsmith disgraced himself on, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 12:39, closed)

*click*
Moomintroll face made me laugh, and i'm feeling ill so well done, and thank you.
( my_cat_has_no_shoes meh meh meh MEH MEH, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 13:21, closed)

make damn sure
you tell her exactly what you think of her on your last day there. do it in front of everyone else and tell her that they're all pissed off with her, too. it may not achieve anything for your(by then ex-) colleauges, but at least it'll make you feel better
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 13:29, closed)

hmmm
Stop making the troll coffee! Tell her why when she asks but have a camera set up somewhere to film her reaction then post it on here. I could do with a laugh!
(cmouse is pondering about life in other jobs, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 13:34, closed)

Oh my god...
"I now try desperately to wait for her numerous fag breaks before getting the round in, as every coffee I get her makes me want to throw it into her Moomintroll face, then stick a hunting knife in my own spinal column in protest at my pathetic weakness."

Is probably the funniest thing I have EVER READ on B3ta, I mean, Moomintroll... PMSL!
(WittyUsernameHere, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 14:58, closed)

This may make life a little difficult
But the next time you get a round of coffees in, exclude her. And get all your colleagues to toe the line. She might get the hint?
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 30 Jan 2008, 18:02, closed)