"Repeat after me; Cats Chase Mice"
"Kets chess maise" the blonde repeated, eyes rolled up in concentration.

It was the final session in a long line of pronunciation exercises I'd been doing with a foreign corporation; trying to give each of its staff individual training to improve their phone skills. This last session focused on stress, where you give a bit more power to the important words (verbs and nouns) and less power to the weaker words like pronouns and articles (of, in, a, the), so that you don't rattle off your sentences like a machine gun.

"Once again, Cats Chase Mice"

She puffed out her cheeks, rolled her eyes and forced out "Caahts Chayss Myss"

"Better. Now try this: The Cats Have Chased The Mice".

"THEE KETS HHHEFF CHAISSED THEE MAISS"

"hmmm. Remember, these little words need to be softer. Lets try a little trick".

I pick up a pen and hold it like a conductor, and invite her to do the same thing. Tapping gently on the desk, we make a little rhythm. The trick is to tap the strong words, dee-DUM dee-DUM dee-DUM, like a heartbeat, three taps in six words. "ThuCATS uvCHASED thuMICE. ThuCATS uvCHASED thuMICE." Feel free to try it yourself, dear reader.

The blonde picked up her pen, and bent her hole body over to stare at the sentence printed on the paper in front of her.

"ThuKETS HHHEFFF... ThuKETS... THEEKETSuv... TheMAISS... OH!!!"

The pen flew threw the air, followed by a string of Polish expletives. "It's too deeficult!" she wailed. "How am I supposed to move my mouth and my hand at the same time?"
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 7:59, 12 replies)

brilliant.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 8:22, closed)

You get a click for using "hole body".
As in "bent her hole body over"
( Ghoti Fingers, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 9:11, closed)

Surely if she had a hole body that'd make her Swiss, not Polish.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 9:28, closed)

did you then...
show her how to move her hand and mouth at the sametime by practicing on your trombone....
(Studentken is looking for motivation on, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:23, closed)

Cue Jonny Briggs theme music

( Ghoti Fingers, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:39, closed)

you could always try teaching them some useful fucking english.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:27, closed)

yourecompletelyright
itwouldbemuchbetterifItaughtthemhowtobookahotelroomorsomesortofnegotiationstrategyinsteadofteachingthemtospeakinawaythatdoesn'tsoundlikeagattlinggun.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 17:45, closed)

I'm fromn glasgow grrry, we only speak incredibly fast here.
talking to mericans is the best. fucking slow talking fuckwits
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 19:12, closed)

Polish - it sounded South African to me
But you get a click anyway. Nicely told
(justin(e), Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:58, closed)

I got a South African vibe too.
That or Kiwi anyway.
(Penguinbert killed Ken Dodd's dad's dog, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 19:22, closed)

Teaching english?
Shouldn't threw be though?
(Tronn, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 19:44, closed)

yes
this article contains mistakes
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Sat 1 Sep 2012, 8:28, closed)