Basic of cooking ignorance
My friend Helen never really got the concept of cooking or anything related to cooking, preferring McDonalds take-aways as often as she could. When she moved into a new house with her boyfriend we were surprised to be invited to a dinner-party at their place, where she announced she would be cooking 8 of us a scrumptious meal. We were duly given a menu advising us of the delights we were about to experience.

Prawn cocktail followed by Roast Chicken, Chips and Peas - Nothing spectacular but knowing her culinary expertise it was a bold adventure. It was clear she hadn't even started cooking anything yet and was on her 3rd or 4th glass of wine to boot.

"Erm, Helen, shouldn't you put the chicken in?" my girlfriend suggested.
"Oh, do you think so?" and off she went to put it in the oven

And the party continued.

"What time are the starters?" someone else enquired as the night went on.
"I'll go and get the prawns out of the freezer." - Riiiiight.

After some hasty microwaving we all politely ate our slightly crunchy, yet warm, prawn offering.
The night progressed, more wine was imbibed.

"Have you put the chips on yet?"
"Oh, no! I'll go do that now. The fryer has been on all night so it'll be nice and hot.

After a few moments one of our friends came back pissing herself laughing, describing a scene that she could only relate to us as,"Chip Darts" - Because the fat was hot and spitty lovely Helen was standing in the middle of the kitchen and throwing the chipped potatoes into the pan one by one.
When the chips were about done our hostess announced that everything was nearly ready, all she had to do was carve the chicken after asking me to take it out of the oven for her.
In the middle of the roasting tin was the most anaemic looking roast chicken I've ever seen.

"Helen, did you baste the chicken at all?"
"What's basting?"
"You know, putting a bit of oil on it. Helen, did you remove the bag of giblets at all?"
"What are giblets?" - Still inside was a shrivelled bag of innards.

Once the edible parts of the meal were consumed we sat back to play some parlour game which resulted in the hostess having a blazing argument with her boyfriend. Shortly followed by the unholiest sound of shattering glass.
Rushing to the kitchen we were greeted with the sight of the glass cover that folds down over the gas rings shattered into a thousand hot melty globs all over the kitchen.

"Helen, Did you turn the rings off before shutting the canopy?"

My best mate Dave who hated this woman and was only there out of politeness was heard to whimper,"Please kill me now."
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 14:48, 9 replies)

At a couple of pubs I worked at
running frozen prawns under running water in a jug seemed to thaw them out in no time.
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 15:19, closed)

I'll go back in time and tell her.

( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 15:51, closed)

*really likes this answer*
:D
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 21:22, closed)

She's dead now, right?
I mean, someone that fucking stupid must have killed themselves by either blowing the kitchen up or poisoning themselves.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 15:40, closed)

Terry Fuckwitt has nothing on her.
Ineptitude at cooking was only one of her failings. Unfortunately she was allowed to breed.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 15:51, closed)

First time I bought a flat
I decided to be all grown up and have a dinner party. I invited an old friend, and her new boyfriend.

Having slaved over a hot dish of lasgana for over 20 minutes, I cordially invited them to sit at the table for dinner.

The boyfriend said "Oh, actually I'm not really hungry, I had a load of jam sandwiches before I came out".

I mean. Honestly.
(username failed moderation, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 15:58, closed)

I'm going to use this next time someone offers me food when I'm not hungry.
I'll probably forget though, I'm usually hungry.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Sat 1 Sep 2012, 0:03, closed)

Hang on a minute...
Do you live in Bristol?

Or do Daves just not get on with Helens?
(MrChimp previously Monsieur, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 19:37, closed)

Not Bristol.
This Dave didn't get on with many people really.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 11:22, closed)