Kaol's many tales of blood:
Long, fairly nasty post ahead, beware!

As many of you know, I've worked in a saw mill as the health and safety manager. This means I've seen my fair share of accidents. And had to clean up the meat afterwards.

Hand, meet circular saw:

One of the gentlemen in the mill was sawing pieces of wood, same as every other day.
All it takes is one second of mind-wandering and OH JESUS HE'S CUT HIS HAND IN HALF!
Yes, this brainbox had managed to slice between his middle and index fingers, all the way back to the wrist.
Sliced a lot of blood-pipes, lost a pint of the stuff, all over the machine.
Now, a lot of blood went onto the floor too, and soaked into the sawdust there, drying quickly and forming strange, pick-up-able lumps.
Anyway, I cleaned the machine up as best I could, and some other guy started working on it.
Not long after, a horrible smell filled the building. After a bit of investigation, it turned out that there was a lot of blood and a few chunks of meat inside the machine, and as the blade span and the bearings heated up, the meaty leakages were burning like black pudding chunks.
Lovely...
Anyway, his hand got fixed, all good.


I can count to eight and a half:

Another gentleman was cutting away at wood on his machine when the blade jammed against the wood.
Now, rather than turn the power off, he got a socket set, took the maintainance panel off the machine and looked at the cogs and workings, poking about.

The insides of these machines are, to put it mildly, fucking lethal.
Many of the cogs and shafts spin faster than the blade does.

It was at the point when this quick-minded and clever man was elbow-deep in the workings of the machine that the jammed piece of wood splintered, the blade began to spin and the cogs whirled into life.

A digital degloving is nothing to do with unsafe internet porn. It's where the entire skin-covering on a finger is ripped away, leaving the muscle and tendons beneath.
This was worse than that, the muscles were ripped off the bone too, and into the workings of the machine.
This left him with a boney, tendony stick for an index finger, a meaty stump, spurting wetly for a middle finger and the blood from the missing parts chunked into a fine mist, covering his screaming face.
As I said, the outcome was that he can now count to eight and a half.

Forked in the leg. Hard:

In the warehouse there were forklift trucks. Forklifts are very, very dangerous things, causing more accidents that all the cutty-machines put together.
For this reason we only let trained people drive them, and kept the keys on the operators.
One morning, a real mensa-level brainbox from the factory floor finds the keys to a forklift on top of a pile of wood. Rather than hand them back to the operator, or leave them there, he decides that he'll take it for a spin.
"I've driven forklifts before, no problem", he thinks.
There is a problem though... The ones he'd driven before had the forks directly in front of the driver. Our forklift had forks on the "passenger door" side.
So, our brainy friend slams the thing into reverse, whips it round to the right and shatters most of the bones in the leg of another worker who's walking past.

I say shatters, it looked like he'd been shotgunned, at close range.
Bits of bone poking out the skin, a raw steak-mince texture, blood pissing out everywhere.

The ambulance arrived quickly, had to give him two units of the red stuff on the way to the hospital, and it took about six months of physio and operations to get the poor guy walking again.
( Cawl, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 10:16, 21 replies)

*reads*
*waves goodbye to breakfast*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 10:18, closed)

Oh, good lord.
I'm reading that with my hand over my mouth, with my eyes widening and my stomach contracting, making the sound of very nervous laughter.

I would click repeatedly, but I lost my fingers in an industrial accident.

Oh... hang on...
*bashes mouse with forehead*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 10:25, closed)

"Hmm, stings a bit I suppose"
Yikes. Reading your story took me right back to doing woodwork at school.

No, we didn't have any accidents, you've just reminded me of the gory stories from Mr Savage, our erstwhile woodwork teacher who taught us the scary way how to respect the various power tools.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 13 Aug 2008, 10:28, closed)

By golly.
That's some grimness.

Have a cheery click.
( sir_spicious2000 Crap I've watched: www.filmplop.blogspot.com/, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 10:30, closed)

I should've posted this
Earlier in the week...
More clicks = more awesomeness.
( Cawl, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 10:31, closed)

*spews all over desk*
Wotcha cocker!

Back from paternity leave and straight into the most repulsive QOTW ever.

I'd rather drink a pint of baby shit than read my way through all this.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 10:39, closed)

I was a joiner
for four and a half years, and I consider myself lucky to have all my limbs and digits intact. In fact, my worst injury at the workshop wasn't blade-related, but down to home-made explosives.

I've met so many joiners with missing fingers, it's not really funny. But it is.

edit: officelolz at Enzyme!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 11:12, closed)

Yeah
As someone else who works in H&S I have heard many tales of chopped digits, broken bones and general stupidity...

People complain that H&S is getting incredibly complex and restricting but it's because people keep taking stupid risks!

Be smart people - but not too smart as then I'd be out of a job...

P.S *clicks*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 11:12, closed)

*bokes*
*click*

Especially for the hand-in-half.

*shudders*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 11:28, closed)

Well done, my lovely.
Knew we could count on you.
*clicketty click*
( thealternativefact, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 11:31, closed)

sounds like you sucked as a H&S manager
*click* for making me think twice about the sandwich I was scoffing whilst reading your post.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 12:17, closed)

Pretty much baz...
I'm a zoologist by training.

The problem with H&S is that people are fucking stupid.

I mean, if you were standing waist-deep in water, would you plug a toaster in and stick a fork in it?
No.

Some people would. There's nothing you can do, short of hiding the forks and taking the fuse out of the toaster.

They'll go buy a fuse, and stick their cock in there instead.

People are so, so dumb.
( Cawl, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 12:22, closed)

*Cutting away at wood on his machine*
Euphemism?

If not it should be
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 12:38, closed)

agreed Kaol
world is overpopulated though - better they be left to die.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 12:41, closed)

Yeah...
I should've made a rule.
Two strikes and you're out (of the gene-pool).
*waves de-cocking shears*

That's the problem... Zoology... Evolution... Working with stupid people...
( Cawl, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 12:45, closed)

superfluous use of the word 'stupid', lad!
Imagine what a lovely place this would be to live if there were no people.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 13:38, closed)

Hats off to you
dear squire, another hearty read.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 15:33, closed)

thats horrible
the forklift guy get in trouble?
the smashed leg guy get huge compensation?
(Kierz, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 19:12, closed)

Is it wrong that the burning smell
makes me feel hungry? Without fail, whenever we're doing a dental or need to cauterise something at work I'm grossed out by the smell for a milisecond and then I start to feel hungry.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 21:44, closed)

That forklift one...
...reminds me of the Stapelfahrer Klaus video. (NSFW for large amounts of fake gore)

Also, *click*.
(oball needs Satan more than he needs me, Thu 14 Aug 2008, 3:37, closed)