Allergies
In these days when almost everyone is whining about allergies to nuts or wheat, I was fascinated to read a book about a woman called Harriet Bzdura, the world's most allergic woman. Here is the first page of her book "Life - my Hideous Existence."

"You may have heard of me: I appeared on Swaffham Lunchtime News last month and there was a feature on me in "Toby Jug Collector" magazine in June 1999. I am the woman who is allergic to many different things. Some people cannot eat wheat, or meat, or nuts - but I am allergic to all foods. I survive by sucking a specially prepared solution made of amino acids and rainwater. If one atom of regular food passes my lips, I drop dead immediately. People ask me how I discovered this, and why I'm not dead from the first time I suckled my mother. I tell them that the condition came about as the result of a nasty shock I had back in 1984. I was at a Kajagoogoo concert and I almost choked on a Fab lollipop. My life flashed before my eyes and I wasn't able to eat from that point on - or I would die.

"But that's not all. I am also allergic to all manmade or natural fibres and therefore cannot wear clothes. I have to wear a suit of medieval armour made of titanium and at night I am suspended in a magnetic forcefield so that I don't touch anything. If this wasn't bad enough, I cannot bear the merest sound. If I hear so much as a piece of A4 paper fall to the ground, my eardrums will burst and gush blood until I die (I am also haemophiliac, by the way). As a result, I have to live on the inside of a 3-metre-thick stainless steel sphere buried one mile down in the earth's crust. I communicate with the surface by carrier pigeon, for I am not allergic to birds (although I cannot touch the paper with my bare hands or I will burst out in bubonic plague and surely die).

"Many people would be disheartened by such hardships, but I bear them with patience and humility. People ask me if I am a Christian and I have to answer "No, I am allergic to all the world's religions." It is quite true, for if I were to believe - even for a second - in Allah or God or the Dalai Lama, my uterus would explode. Naturally, I have no direct experience of this, but I think you'll agree that it's better to
be safe than sorry. So I am a nihilist. There was once a nasty close shave when I thought about Jesus and a huge spot appeared on my chin!

"For years I have wanted to reveal my plight on TV. Unfortunately I am allergic to all forms of light, so I find that TV audiences have
to use their imagination to some extent when the cameras silently enter my sphere and film me in complete blackness. I should also point out for the purposes of further publicity that I cannot expose
myself to any electrical devices. I have laboriously written this letter using potato prints on sheets of inert zinc. Then I strapped these sheets to my pigeon so my secretary could transcribe them. The first few times, the pigeon clattered fatally against the sides of the sphere and caused me intense agony, but finally I managed to release my letter.

"I'm exhausted now. You might think I can sleep, but, alas, if I should pass into the realms of Morpheus for even one moment, my limbs would shrivel and fall off. I have not slept since that fateful concert.
(frankspencer, Fri 16 May 2008, 15:46, 11 replies)

Kajagoogoo
have a way of doing that to people. I listened to one of their songs once and instantly became priapic. I only managed to overcome this hideous condition by forcing myself to watch "Fat Lesbians: 40+ Edition" on loop for three straight days.

The priapism was cured, but ever since then I have had the most hideous of nightmares every single night.
( Kroney, Fri 16 May 2008, 15:50, closed)

...
Tears of laughter.

That is all.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 16 May 2008, 15:52, closed)

Another Classic
Frank - can you please post an extract from one of the books you are writing/written
( KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO Signed the sex offenders register on, Fri 16 May 2008, 15:53, closed)

^^Which part of your demented
subconcious do you dig this stuff up from?

*click*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 16 May 2008, 15:55, closed)

*suspiciously*
you stole that from "Pick Me Up" magazine. I recognise the apostrophes.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 16 May 2008, 15:55, closed)

KISS...POO
No.
(frankspencer, Fri 16 May 2008, 15:56, closed)

pffft
*clicks

I'd hate to think what would happen if you didn't have QOTW to get this stuff out of your system
(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Fri 16 May 2008, 16:07, closed)

*Click*
Just for mentioning Kajagoogoo and the fact you'd heard of them.
( girlinthehole, Fri 16 May 2008, 19:13, closed)

Not true
I think this all may be fiction. I simply cannot bring myself to believe that anyone paid to see Kajagoogoo
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 16 May 2008, 23:03, closed)

i should be allergic to kajagoogoo
i had to share a room with a sister who stuck their posters all over the walls and ceilings.
i found the perfect antidote: life-sized freddy krueger poster on the back of the bedroom door.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 17 May 2008, 10:54, closed)