The Big Fat Book of Lies
Is the name of the novel I will write one day.

I'm just going to make up stuff and bung it in and hope that someone will be stupid enough to give me a squillion quid for it.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 19 May 2008, 20:48, 80 replies)

Play to your strengths.
Write about cake and sex.
( girlinthehole, Mon 19 May 2008, 20:49, closed)

oooh!
Food porn!
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 19 May 2008, 20:52, closed)

Food porn is not for me per se but....
There's a lot of people out there that would get their jollies with a heady mix of Mr Kipling and his exceedingly delicious cakes and general nakedness.
( girlinthehole, Mon 19 May 2008, 20:57, closed)

I meant
Food porn as in "This isn't just food..." etc etc...

Not actual sex and food at the same time.

Bleh.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 19 May 2008, 20:59, closed)

Oh sorry!
But still there's a big market for cakey sexiness.
( girlinthehole, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:04, closed)

there is indeed...
I was going to write some but I've just realised I can't quite bring myself to do it.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:06, closed)

Put yourself in Chickenladies mindset....
And let the smut seep out. Go on, you can do it.
( girlinthehole, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:11, closed)

I'm growing an idea
It may involve Mr Kipling's French Fancies and some sizzling gypsies.

*gets naughty pen out to write naughty things*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:14, closed)

cake sex
I don't know if he's going to actually go through with this. Sure, there's a safe word. I'm not going to use it. I'm shakily nervous but there's adrenalin too, excitement that courses through me. In the midst of growing fear there's arousal, and I'm wet at the thought. The waiting is unbearably, delightfully intense.

He grips the back of my neck, holding my head in place and I whimper as he runs the cake knife slowly up my bare arm, slides the flat edge along my collarbone and gently, softly, pricks the skin of my throat with its point.

"You dirty girl. You really want this don't you?"

I say nothing. My legs feel weak. Yes, I really want it. I'm ashamed that I want it, but christ, I do.

He moves around me, the blade of the knife still brushing my skin, and stops before me. He lifts the moist cake in his other hand, his eyes focused on mine. I stare, transfixed, as he brings it closer to my face. I feel the crumbs on my lips and they part to softly bite the sweet pastry. My mouth closes around it and I swallow.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:18, closed)

blimey CHCB
I think you've got something there.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:22, closed)

it's a start
until I write the one about dogging with some rock-cakes.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:24, closed)

Ya see!
Cake sex is the future of porn.



*Extremely well done CHCB. You could make some extra dosh doing this sort of thing or do you do it already?
( girlinthehole, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:24, closed)

if I knew how to make money out of it I would
I have an overactive imagination and a huge back catalogue, fnarr fnarr.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:25, closed)

I'm impressed
I'm going to go away and write about threesomes and layer cakes.

then I might write about lesbians and marmelade sandwiches, although I do admit that is slightly less cake related.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:27, closed)

I think
a QOTW suggestion on the topic of cake sex is definitely in order. I look forward to hearing about the layer cake.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:29, closed)

all right
She adds the flour to the sweet and creamy mixture. She starts to beat it in with strong, regular strokes. She's matching his rhythm now. It's thickening up and turning into a feast. He thrusts into her, each thrust bringing her nearer and nearer...

"Sorry darling, do you mind if I just put this in the oven?" she gasps

He flipped her over, grunting and -

no, I just can't do it can I
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:33, closed)

ooh, the element of danger from cooking, I like it!
I burnt a risotto with that kind of carry-on.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:35, closed)

it's a risk isn't it
We almost lost a Yorkshire pudding that way once.

thank god we didn't.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:36, closed)

it's a Health and Safety nightmare.
While bent over the worktop, nipples grazing the chopping board, I was thinking "holy shit! This must be great! I feel really hot" ...and then noticed that my head was literally 4cm from the recently-boiled glass kettle.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:38, closed)

at least you didn't end up
covered in pudding batter.

Edit: and I bet Kaol could give us some smashing health and safety advice.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:39, closed)

I have only a few words to say on this matter
Nigella.

Butter.

Moist.

Whip.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:39, closed)

Reading all of this
has made me self-raising.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:41, closed)

^
*beats*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:42, closed)

^
*produces cream filling*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:44, closed)

@k2k6
And I haven't even battened your burg or anything yet...
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:44, closed)

She dipped her finger into the smooth batter, slid it between her warm, wet lips. It was ready.

Slowly she drizzled the cool liquid onto the hot, hard pan.




Erm...I'm afraid I just want to lapse into straightforward porn now.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:47, closed)

Once upon a time
there were a couple of naked people doing it.

when they'd finished doing it they went home for tea and buns.

phwoar!
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:49, closed)

@chickenlady
Fancy writing a compendium of complete and utter smut?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:49, closed)

He ran his cool pastry-makers hand down her naked spine, cupped her rounded buttock and as she began to knead the dough so he plunged into her.

The dough was pounded and stretched as she gave into him.


Then they got the cucumber out.

Arf!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:51, closed)

@ CHCB
All joking aside, I do have a friend who is a freelance editor of 'erotic' writing. Last year she edited a collection of lesbian erotica - I submitted a piece but it was too short.

But yes, I think we should do the b3ta bumper book of pr0n.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:53, closed)

Ooh, I know!
"them's nice melons love" he groaned as she unpacked her heavily laden bra. grasping his pork chop she began to nibble and suck and he found his fingers were all wet with her um bongo

I'm sorry, I can't type for laughing!
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:54, closed)

HLT
That's fantastic!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:55, closed)

@HLT
Sorry, but you've taken that too far! (even though it got my mirth muscles going)

But I would like to see a compendium of chickenlady's and CHCB's finest work.

Illustrated version, anyone?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:57, closed)

@ chickenlady
thank you!
*blushes*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:57, closed)

Illustrated?!
Don't say that too loudly...if any main borders hear that they'll be on it like a flash. In fact they'd probably animate something.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 19 May 2008, 22:04, closed)

@chickenlady
lesbian erotica - I submitted a piece but it was too short.

I didn't think lesbians were concerned with length.

/coat
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 19 May 2008, 22:05, closed)

@ TRL
See, that's where I went wrong. I thought the same. My editor friend enlightened me....it's written about lesbians but in fact it's mainly bought and read by men.

So of course it'll always be too short.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 19 May 2008, 22:07, closed)

an illustrated version
is actually a great idea: pick one illustrator per story, do a couple of raunchy (but not too explicit) tasteful illustrations...
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 May 2008, 22:08, closed)

Another bit just came to me
He held her down, one sinewy arm easily caught around her. He held it above her, it oozed down her neck, slipped down her full breasts. Her lips parted and her tongue searched for the tiniest drop of the salty liquid.

Eventually he allowed the plump sausage to slide into her mouth and he slowly lapped the juices from her naked skin.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 19 May 2008, 22:13, closed)

Damn, I feel I've missed out...
@ HLT: "Edit: and I bet Kaol could give us some smashing health and safety advice."

I could, but then I'd have to... Er... Come up with something vaguely erotic...
*ahem*

She felt the sharp bite of the cable ties that held her hands firmly behind her freshly naked body.
He stood behind her, his breath hot on her neck.
"You shouldn't play with sharp objects, someone might get hurt" He hissed into her ear, before taking the knife from the chopping board infront of her.

She shuddered as it ran its icy path across the swell of her breasts, and gasped in shock as the tip of it nicked the soft skin of her cheek.

"And now to teach you a lesson that you'll never forget" He whispered to her, in a voice that made her shiver.
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 0:36, closed)

^
*prints this out for Wednesday, 4pm*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 20 May 2008, 8:12, closed)

Whoa,
I don't remember writing that...

I should come home drunk more often.
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 9:14, closed)

I'm glad you were drunk
That was quite disturbing. That might just be because I'm still drunk though.
( Bazongaloid, Tue 20 May 2008, 9:34, closed)

Nice work.
I have a beast of a hangover.
I've already made them turn off the noisy machine nearest my office for "Safety Reasons".

I quite liked my little story actually, I'm impressed with myself.
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 9:38, closed)

^
Yeah, me too. More of this sort of filth.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 20 May 2008, 9:40, closed)

Maybe...
I think we should have an erotica competition.

Well, not competition, as chickenlady knows what the masses like.

More like a QOTW...
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 9:42, closed)

like
this?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 20 May 2008, 9:44, closed)

^Not even a QOTW
Just a page full of erotic prose penned by Chickenlady, CHCB, HLT and so on.

_{Yes, Kaol too!}
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 20 May 2008, 9:45, closed)

I fear
my hangover will kick in later this morning as I try and struggle with this damned report. I'm less keen on the S&M aspects of your pr0n Kaol, it's well written though, just doesn't float my boat. I like chickenladys more whimsical, taking of innocence style.
( Bazongaloid, Tue 20 May 2008, 9:45, closed)

Ladies of the erotic writers' club
Do you think you could come up with something in the next 30 hours or so?

Just in time for the Wednesday wankathon.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 20 May 2008, 9:47, closed)

@Kaol
I'm a fan of the S&M style of your prose. It had the right balance of sex and sharp objects.
( girlinthehole, Tue 20 May 2008, 9:49, closed)

me too, Kaol
Though I'd include a bit more pain.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 20 May 2008, 9:52, closed)

Well there we go...
*bows*

Lucky I stopped where I did, t'would have got messy.

*grins*

That QOTW sounds fun, but since when have any suggestions from there been taken?

EDIT @chcb: There would've been, don't worry...
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 9:53, closed)

Maybe you could
hijack next weeks QOTW with your mad first posting skillz and just submit post after post of superbly written erotica.

Though that may upset some people who's names I won't bother to look back and find out.
( Bazongaloid, Tue 20 May 2008, 10:15, closed)

Mad posting skillz?
More like "nothing better to do on a Thursday"...

I missed last one.
By two days.

Rubbish.
I only to do it to prove that I've got one tiny aspect of my life that's better than Enzyme.
I mean, he's got the hair, the brain, the education.

I got... Er... I'm really good at cutting up animals...
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 10:19, closed)

And
you can hunt children for sport. And also, judging by the Mein Kampf thread, he's also got an angry Northern Irish women on his case! Something you're probably better off without.

Plus you write better pr0n than him.
( Bazongaloid, Tue 20 May 2008, 10:30, closed)

^
no comment! (Besides, who do you think was the original Wednesday muse?)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 20 May 2008, 10:32, closed)

*licks finger*
*applies to CHCB*

*makes TSSSSSSCHHHHH (like sizzling) noise*

*backs away slowly before angry Northern Irish women can punch him*

*kicks girl in the shins and runs away to indicate that he likes her*

*enjoys pretending to be 5 again*
( Bazongaloid, Tue 20 May 2008, 10:37, closed)

The children thing
Is true, but as it's for sport I throw them back into the river after taking the hook out of their faces.

It's ok, they can't feel pain.

Anyway, that was only a short passage I wrote, the bulk of my work may be far worse.
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 10:43, closed)

@Kaol
*Only one short passage that I wrote*

It's been my experience that there's no smoke without fire. You've got the fire, haven't you?
( girlinthehole, Tue 20 May 2008, 10:55, closed)

Ooooh
This is all rather exciting

@ Kaol - I liked your story too
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Tue 20 May 2008, 10:58, closed)

Yes,
I've got hell-fire in my veins, and vodka in my headache, this morning.
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 11:02, closed)

@Kaol
You need to keep your vodka levels up if you want to be-able to write properly. It's a well known fact.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 20 May 2008, 11:03, closed)

Vodka is nothing
without orange juice and battenburg
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Tue 20 May 2008, 11:07, closed)

Yeah...
This time last year I was putting that theory to action, t'was the middle of my final exams.
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 11:09, closed)

Ah, finals
How I dread finally getting to finals. There shall be much cake at this point.

Even more than there has been for these exams.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 20 May 2008, 11:14, closed)

You'll be fine
If you're clever enough to be a valued co-b3tan, you're certainly ok to pass a few exams.
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 11:15, closed)

Ugh, finals
I got through mine thanks to Mr Cadbury and Mr Coca-Cola
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Tue 20 May 2008, 11:17, closed)

I imagine I shall
Be fine, just can't really be bothered with them. Got far too much to be doing after the exams that I would prefer to be focussing on.

Also, who cares about modern manufacturing techniques? Not me, that's for sure.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 20 May 2008, 11:17, closed)

Excuse me...
"modern manufacturing techniques"
I care.
Without them I'd have three times as many staff to injure themselves.

And a hell of a lot less semi-robotic cutting machines that seem to hate humans for having fingers.
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 11:19, closed)

Hmm, well
Maybe you could sit my exam then.

Wire EDM - Dull. Laser beam machining - Dull. One lecturer who can barely speak english - dull. Other lecturer who is just plain mental - occasionally amusing, mostly just dull.

Got to love that class.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 20 May 2008, 11:22, closed)

I can't think of anything
witty and cake-related to post here.

So, I'll just go back to fondling my fondant fancies then.

Hi everybody!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 20 May 2008, 11:28, closed)

Sorry,
I only know about wood.
CNC routers, steam-benders (not as gay as it sounds) that kinda stuff.

Although you can't go wrong with a hand saw and chisel.
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 11:28, closed)

hur hur
you only know about wood!
( Bazongaloid, Tue 20 May 2008, 11:29, closed)

I know
A lot about meat too...
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 11:30, closed)

^
arf!
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Tue 20 May 2008, 11:33, closed)

I'm rather tempted
To make a crude reference to "touching your meat with a slow and trembling hand", but I'm a gentleman, I couldn't possibly do that.
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 12:12, closed)

Mmmmm
*touches his meat with a slow and trembling hand*
( Bazongaloid, Tue 20 May 2008, 12:14, closed)

.
What an unfortunate time to miss the QOTW daily cake-round.

Anyone need cake licking off them?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 20 May 2008, 23:02, closed)

She bent her head and slowly began to lick the cake crumbs off his warm skin, her tongue gently probing. The cream filled her mouth, ran down her chin and trickled onto her firm breasts. "I want them now" he groaned, "Give them to me"
She pulled back, slid her finger into her moist lips and then ran it over his tongue. His body arched and he groaned again, "Give me the French Fancies now you bitch!"
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 20 May 2008, 23:28, closed)