Brought it upon myself perhaps, but still
I had thought my backpacking days were over.

That was until I met James in my new job. James was a company IT guy and all round generally decent chap and he would sit there and quietly absorb the travellers' tales Sarah, another co-worker, and I would share. One company night out, in the pub, James revealed he'd been listening to our tales and wasn't getting any younger and wanted to jack his job in and do the working-visa year-in-Oz thing. I obviously had loved my wandering, did I want to go with him?

There was a problem - I was in a relationship.

Luckily, knowing I was a dromomaniac and that I still had the travel bug in my system, the girlfriend didn't mind if I went. We had phone, we had the internet and could keep in touch. Two other friends had heard about the plans and wanted to quit their jobs too so they could come along (though they'd be joining us four months in) and she'd know I'd be with them. So off James and I went to Oz.

James, it quickly turned out, hadn't been on a holiday without his parents and had never been abroad in his life. He couldn't cook, couldn't do much of anything as it turned out and wouldn't lift a finger to do anything that needed doing. I was the experienced traveller, obviously I had to do everything. Setting him up with the tax authorities? I did it for him. Setting him up with the reciprocal medical aid? I did it for him. I even had to get a spider out of his room at one point. Okay, this *was* Australia and their spiders apparently eat people but this one was tiny.

We soon went our separate ways. I made a new circle of friends via my temporary job and being on my own and ostensibly single, at a glance, I started to get offers from Australian ladies and female backpackers both. However, knowing my girl was waiting for me I informed them, with much regret, that I had a girlfriend and was unavailable. Six or seven girls I knocked back (though one of them was a flake, a tarot card reader had said her future hubbie would be a Brit and I showed up the very next week). The others were wonderful girls though.

I remained faithful, in spite of temptation, in touch with my girlfriend the whole time; enjoying what I imagined would be my last serious bout of travel before settling down.

Funnily enough, things never turn out how you imagine though. I didn't last the whole year, I cut it short with three months still left on my working visa. When I got home the girlfriend had a kid. Not mine either.
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 21:20, 36 replies)

tl:dr...
tie dyed daydreamer returns from jolly to find bird-on-hold was shagging someone from the real world
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 10:53, closed)

If you do the arithmetic, and perhaps I should have made it more clear
she was pregnant when I left.
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 20:58, closed)

My point precisely
If you hadn't been holding court as the office Attenborough you might have spotted she was banging the postman

Muppet
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 22:55, closed)

Your point "precisely" was that she was cheating whilst I was away
The fact that you're useless at arithmetic merely makes you a fucking spanner.
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 23:17, closed)

Sounds like somebody is still a bit upset.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 14 Sep 2013, 13:43, closed)

I've said what I'm upset about down below.
It is tempting to add internet wankers to the list though.
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Sun 15 Sep 2013, 7:21, closed)

Precisely?
Look. You were floating around like a fart in a trance dreaming of some rose tinted memory of a beach in south east Asia while some bloke in real time was inseminating your bint. you were too self absorbed to see it and thought fucking off with your gay crush was a spiffing wheeze. The outcome comes as no surprise to anyone else here but you.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sun 15 Sep 2013, 1:31, closed)

Yes, precisely.
If you can't remember what you write and try to change what you said that's not my problem. It merely highlights that you're either (a) thick or (b) a lying cunt. Take your pick sunshine, but you're one or the other.

"You were floating around like a fart in a trance dreaming of some rose tinted memory of a beach in south east Asia "

Ah, this fictional planet you live on where people cheat on other people and always get found out must be quite some place. Because nobody in the history of ever has ever managed to cheat on anybody and get away with it, have they?

Or is the sad fact the fact that you're so desperate to feel superior to somebody, absolutely anybody at all, even online, that your default knee-jerk response is to have a go at somebody based on your own delusional readings and prejudices of what you imagine their situation to be?

I rather think it's that. But continue being a sad, pathetic little wanker, because it sounds like you don't have much better going on in your life if this the high standard of goal you set yourself to achieve.
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Sun 15 Sep 2013, 7:27, closed)

I think he's enjoying making a prat of himself online.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 15 Sep 2013, 8:45, closed)

i dont need to try and remember it you great shimmering fanny
its up there to read.

lets go through it slowly for you.

while you were at work, holding court as the worldly traveler, reminiscing about your far flung capers

YOUR MISSUS WAS ALREADY BEING FUCKED BY ANOTHER BLOKE AND WAS PREGNANT BEFORE YOU LEFT

we ALL get that you self absorbed tit

no wonder she clearly wasn't bothered when you toddled off

you're a pompous twat
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 18:01, closed)

Ha ha.
I like it when whining, self-indulgent trustafarians get cuckolded by real men.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 10:55, closed)

Your wife said much the same.
But in French.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 11:48, closed)

Can't imagine why she was happy for you to fuck off for a year, you sound like a right Tarquiny twat.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 11:17, closed)

Perhaps because she couldn't decide between her two fellas
and having one of them piss off for a while, while remaining on the hook, sounded like a great way to avoid making a decision?
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 11:36, closed)

Ah, relying on the patented tried and trusted formula of
Absolutely anyone who likes to travel = Tarquiny twat

Top middle-class loathing there sir, keep up the fine work.
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 21:07, closed)

Actually it's more along the lines of
Using words like Dromomaniac = Tarquiny twat.

You Tarquiny twat.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 22:05, closed)

I apologise for your obviously stunted vocabulary
Praps I shud tlk lik n ignrant kunt so u unnerstand, innit?
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 23:19, closed)

I like travel. You're a tarquinny twat.
Not sure why this is confusing. It's probably a side-effect of you being a tarquinny twat.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 22:36, closed)

I note that he didn't actually deny being a Tarquiny twat, the massive fucking Tarquiny twat.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 23:15, closed)

I think it's good that b3ta acts as therapy
for people with complexes like yourself. Why don't you and Ranty McRanter bum each other into a higher level of foaming-at-the-chops general indignation at the world and launch your own little keyboard crusade? You sad little internet warriors, you.
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 23:25, closed)

Awww. Tarquin is a homophobe as well as a cuckold. Sweet.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 14 Sep 2013, 13:41, closed)

You do know delusion is a psychiatric disorder you can get help with.
Don't you?
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Sun 15 Sep 2013, 7:29, closed)

You mean like thinking that running away to work in Oz for a few months qualifies as 'travel'?
Or thinking that typing essays of justification on a messageboard makes you look less of a plonker?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 15 Sep 2013, 8:48, closed)

Your username
merely serves to underline your capacity for reason.
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Sun 15 Sep 2013, 16:05, closed)

A doctorate in mathematics is generally a pretty good indicator of mental acuity, you're right.
But what are we to make of your hilarious Tarquiny username? I bet the other boys in the dorm thought you were such a one, eh?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 15 Sep 2013, 21:26, closed)

GRAAAAH I HATE PEOPLE WHO GO ON HOLIDAY, THE CUNTS.

( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 12:09, closed)

Pretentious bastards, I hope they all get foreign diseases.

( Infidel , shit and wrong, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 12:15, closed)

I don't 'like this'
but am clicking for a well-told story & your emotional suffering.
(sarcastic fringehead feet of clay, buns of steel, head of lettuce, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 14:35, closed)

Cheers
The only thing that riles me about this tale now are the girls I knocked back, any one of whom would probably have been an improvement on my then gf.
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Sat 14 Sep 2013, 0:28, closed)

Mate, so sorry for that... /hugs

(Master_Slob UK minister for cultural appropriation., Fri 13 Sep 2013, 16:07, closed)

I know, an entire year in Ausfailia? Grim.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 16:52, closed)

To be honest I read the first half of this story expecting you to get off with James

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 16:23, closed)

Nah
He'd make a terrible wife... can't cook, can't clean...
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 21:01, closed)

But at least you now accept you love the cock
It will get easier. We won't judge you - it's not that your gay - it's just that your, well, such a total cunt.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sun 15 Sep 2013, 1:35, closed)

Coming from a dimbulb like you
I'll take that as a compliment
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Sun 15 Sep 2013, 7:30, closed)

i'm not so dim to be unaware some other cunt was knobbing my missus
or so naive as to imagine she'd loiter in the wings for a year while i tossed my way round the opposite side of the globe with some prat from work.

buffoon
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 18:06, closed)