In my country, we do not do this.
Back when that bastard Icelandic volcano erupted, I found myself stuck in Hamburg - really fucking stuck. After countless hours milling around the airport terminal, BA finally decided to arrange hotel accommodation. Nearly two hours of chaos and confusion later, I was allocated a room in the decidedly shabby Hotel Ibis

At hotel reception, 100's of people in dozens of languages, harassed and harried the poor staff until finally, I was given a key and collapsed onto the only single bed in my room. I then attempted to take a shower in the piss-poor 'bathroom' - but of course, there was no hot water, as the hotel was full to bursting and everyone was attempting to wash at the same time. Cue 100's more people charging downstairs to harangue the poor receptionists some more.

I decided to retire to the bar.

A few strong lagers later and I was feeling slightly better about my situation. I didn't have to be back in Blighty urgently and after hearing reports from around Europe, I knew I was lucky to even have a hotel room. And then I met the lovely Anke. And things got even better.

We chatted for a while about our situation, amused ourselves debunking national stereotypes - for a German she was very funny and for a Brit I have perfect teeth - and generally passed the time, happy in each other's company. When the bar emptied, I let slip that I had a decent single-malt from duty free and suggested we retire upstairs to sample it. As we'd already complained about our rooms, she knew I had a single bedroom, whilst she'd been allocated a double - and we agreed there'd be far more room in hers. I was most definitely in.

I grabbed the Glenlivet, some ice from the machine and was at her door in less than funf Minuten! We chatted some more, really began to relax and then the moment arrived. I leaned over, ostensibly to grab another cigarette, and in one deft movement our heads were millimeters apart, she looked up at me, blinked twice and we kissed. So far, so good. But the lagers had caught up with me, so I gently pulled away and entered the wonderfully appointed Hotel Ibis bathroom. I'd almost started to piss, when my body told me a dump was also going to be required. So I dropped my trousers and began my completely not at all OCD 'away from home toilet ritual' - a simple, thorough cleansing of the seat, followed by the careful laying of a further 'paper seat' on top.

I looked for a towel, there were none. I looked for some toilet paper, there was none. Not even a fucking bath mat. The place was bare, save for Anke's unopened toiletry bag. I took a long look at the toilet seat, it wasn't too bad, plasticky and very worn...but not too bad. I ventured down for a closer inspection - and lucky I did, as sitting there proudly was a single, very dark and curly pube. No matter, I thought, I'll simply blow it away. So I bent down even lower and puffed at the nasty thing. It didn't move. So I crouched right down, head almost touching the seat and gave another, colossal lung-filled burst of air. Nothing. But I needed a shit! So I blew and I blew and I blew. So much so that I failed to notice Anke standing in the doorway.

When I did clock her, she simply stared at me, an English bloke sat on the floor, trousers round ankles and to all intents and purposes, sniffing hard at a toilet seat. Her eyes said it all. Her famous German humour deserted her. A quick flick of her head towards the door meant my opportunity had gone. I sheepishly pulled my trousers up and slipped away. There was no explanation I could give.

I never saw her again at the hotel. But I know she still tells the story of 'Ze English Seat Sniffer'.

And I thought all Krauts were pervs?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 25 Apr 2014, 13:42, 56 replies)

^puts ice in whisky^

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 25 Apr 2014, 14:24, closed)

I know, I recoiled at that. Only Americans do crap like that.

(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Fri 25 Apr 2014, 14:41, closed)

it's a wise precaution when you're gagging down that bathtub gutrot they make

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 25 Apr 2014, 15:55, closed)

TBF - the ice was not mentioned as being put in the whisky. I imagine it was to put up the imaginary
German girls parts.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 25 Apr 2014, 15:25, closed)

I realise this is probably a lie
But,

1 - you had just been to your own room so why do you not use the facilities there?
2 - what sort of dim witted investor decides to indulge in a crap moments before losing their virginity (don't deny it, we all know)
3- you state clearly "no toilet paper, not even a bath mat" yet, you intended to proceed - and then what?

I hope you bought that hotel and had it razed and left a hole in the ground to teach those Kraut's a lesson for your utter incompetence when it comes to functioning in society.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 25 Apr 2014, 14:48, closed)

What kind of shit-obsessed madwoman strolls into an occupied bog on a first date?

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 25 Apr 2014, 15:14, closed)

Actually I'll save everyone some time
1) A German
2) The fictional kind
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 25 Apr 2014, 15:16, closed)

fictional Germans are my favourite

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 25 Apr 2014, 15:21, closed)

are my favourite is OK, I think.
( Pig Bodine., Fri 25 Apr 2014, 15:34, closed)

haha

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 25 Apr 2014, 18:35, closed)

This made me laugh.

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Sat 26 Apr 2014, 13:51, closed)

I don't get why he'd shag a (hairy, obviously) German, yet flip out at a single pube on the toilet seat?

(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Fri 25 Apr 2014, 18:03, closed)

rachelswipe seems to appear during QotW shit related stories.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 25 Apr 2014, 15:24, closed)

If you look into a mirror at midnight and say "I need a shit" three times
Rachelswipe will appear. Fact.
( Muns, Fri 25 Apr 2014, 15:49, closed)

I believe all this story happened
apart from the fact that there was a woman involved
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 25 Apr 2014, 15:39, closed)

well, I for one am entertained

( rofl harris, Fri 25 Apr 2014, 16:16, closed)

I doubt anyone feels there is a lack of entertainment, it is just you know.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 25 Apr 2014, 16:32, closed)

Why are you always creeping about in toilets?

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 25 Apr 2014, 16:31, closed)

^I am often asked.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 25 Apr 2014, 16:33, closed)

Because we want to
Because we want to
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 26 Apr 2014, 12:13, closed)

^never been abroad^

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 26 Apr 2014, 18:36, closed)

(but booked in for the operation next week)

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 15:59, closed)

Where's the rest of our replies, Albie?

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sat 26 Apr 2014, 18:38, closed)

I'm pretty certain he didn't delete them because they made him look even more of a daft tool than usual
Pretty certain.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 26 Apr 2014, 19:11, closed)

It'd be way below him. He'd never do such a thing.

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sat 26 Apr 2014, 20:13, closed)

not unless he wanted a pre-shag dump in a hotel room with no bog paper

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 26 Apr 2014, 20:35, closed)