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Union jack shorts, bulldog t-shirts, bars named after soap operas, hen parties in Malaga. Tell us about your encounters with the worst (or best) of our fair country's travelers around the world. Alternatively, tell us about your own doomed quest to find a decent cup of tea in Moscow.
( , Thu 24 Apr 2014, 13:01)
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Back when that bastard Icelandic volcano erupted, I found myself stuck in Hamburg - really fucking stuck. After countless hours milling around the airport terminal, BA finally decided to arrange hotel accommodation. Nearly two hours of chaos and confusion later, I was allocated a room in the decidedly shabby Hotel Ibis
At hotel reception, 100's of people in dozens of languages, harassed and harried the poor staff until finally, I was given a key and collapsed onto the only single bed in my room. I then attempted to take a shower in the piss-poor 'bathroom' - but of course, there was no hot water, as the hotel was full to bursting and everyone was attempting to wash at the same time. Cue 100's more people charging downstairs to harangue the poor receptionists some more.
I decided to retire to the bar.
A few strong lagers later and I was feeling slightly better about my situation. I didn't have to be back in Blighty urgently and after hearing reports from around Europe, I knew I was lucky to even have a hotel room. And then I met the lovely Anke. And things got even better.
We chatted for a while about our situation, amused ourselves debunking national stereotypes - for a German she was very funny and for a Brit I have perfect teeth - and generally passed the time, happy in each other's company. When the bar emptied, I let slip that I had a decent single-malt from duty free and suggested we retire upstairs to sample it. As we'd already complained about our rooms, she knew I had a single bedroom, whilst she'd been allocated a double - and we agreed there'd be far more room in hers. I was most definitely in.
I grabbed the Glenlivet, some ice from the machine and was at her door in less than funf Minuten! We chatted some more, really began to relax and then the moment arrived. I leaned over, ostensibly to grab another cigarette, and in one deft movement our heads were millimeters apart, she looked up at me, blinked twice and we kissed. So far, so good. But the lagers had caught up with me, so I gently pulled away and entered the wonderfully appointed Hotel Ibis bathroom. I'd almost started to piss, when my body told me a dump was also going to be required. So I dropped my trousers and began my completely not at all OCD 'away from home toilet ritual' - a simple, thorough cleansing of the seat, followed by the careful laying of a further 'paper seat' on top.
I looked for a towel, there were none. I looked for some toilet paper, there was none. Not even a fucking bath mat. The place was bare, save for Anke's unopened toiletry bag. I took a long look at the toilet seat, it wasn't too bad, plasticky and very worn...but not too bad. I ventured down for a closer inspection - and lucky I did, as sitting there proudly was a single, very dark and curly pube. No matter, I thought, I'll simply blow it away. So I bent down even lower and puffed at the nasty thing. It didn't move. So I crouched right down, head almost touching the seat and gave another, colossal lung-filled burst of air. Nothing. But I needed a shit! So I blew and I blew and I blew. So much so that I failed to notice Anke standing in the doorway.
When I did clock her, she simply stared at me, an English bloke sat on the floor, trousers round ankles and to all intents and purposes, sniffing hard at a toilet seat. Her eyes said it all. Her famous German humour deserted her. A quick flick of her head towards the door meant my opportunity had gone. I sheepishly pulled my trousers up and slipped away. There was no explanation I could give.
I never saw her again at the hotel. But I know she still tells the story of 'Ze English Seat Sniffer'.
And I thought all Krauts were pervs?
( , Fri 25 Apr 2014, 13:42, 56 replies)
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( , Fri 25 Apr 2014, 15:55, closed)
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German girls parts.
( , Fri 25 Apr 2014, 15:25, closed)
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But,
1 - you had just been to your own room so why do you not use the facilities there?
2 - what sort of dim witted investor decides to indulge in a crap moments before losing their virginity (don't deny it, we all know)
3- you state clearly "no toilet paper, not even a bath mat" yet, you intended to proceed - and then what?
I hope you bought that hotel and had it razed and left a hole in the ground to teach those Kraut's a lesson for your utter incompetence when it comes to functioning in society.
( , Fri 25 Apr 2014, 14:48, closed)
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( , Fri 25 Apr 2014, 15:14, closed)
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1) A German
2) The fictional kind
( , Fri 25 Apr 2014, 15:16, closed)
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( , Fri 25 Apr 2014, 18:03, closed)
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Rachelswipe will appear. Fact.
( , Fri 25 Apr 2014, 15:49, closed)
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apart from the fact that there was a woman involved
( , Fri 25 Apr 2014, 15:39, closed)
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( , Fri 25 Apr 2014, 16:32, closed)
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Pretty certain.
( , Sat 26 Apr 2014, 19:11, closed)
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( , Sat 26 Apr 2014, 20:35, closed)
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