When I worked in the care home I had two jobs. Job number one: wiping people's arses. Job number two: remembering to hold a tissue in my hand. My boss made-up a special poem to help me remember both my jobs. I can still recite it to this very day word for word. It went "If you've a wet wipe under your fingernails it's time to reach for shit."

One day I had the best day at work ever. Every arsehole was glistening like a dingo's donger and smelling sweeter than a KFC extractor fan, and I didn't have any shit anywhere apart from in the waste bucket. I took the bucket home to show Mrs Ringofyre that I wasn't in fact "a drongo who couldn't wank a wallaby without an instruction book".

I left the bucket on the kitchen table while I got changed out of my nurses uniform. Looking back now that may have been a mistake. I should have realised that, to a Mrs Ringofyre driven half insane by 2 hours without food, a bucket of turds swaddled in wipes was going to look indistinguishable from a pile of tortilla wraps from our fave restaurant.

Before I'd even entered the kitchen I knew what had happened because of the loud eating noises and satisfied groans reverberating around our large house with 44,000 litre saltwater pool, which we own outright.

Luckily for me she polished off the lot without noticing any problems, and even asked for "more of them nutty ones" when I popped out to pick up second dinner later that evening.
(ringofyre, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 21:43, 14 replies)

I really worry that one day someone on here will
Go too far.
Not happened yet though.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 8 Jul 2013, 22:09, closed)

Glad you got your name back, ringo.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 22:13, closed)

It's not improving.
Back to the pavilion.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 8 Jul 2013, 22:19, closed)

Top brigadiering.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 22:24, closed)

YES.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 22:53, closed)

beautiful.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 22:59, closed)

Nicely done.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 23:20, closed)

Lovely to see someone taking some pride in their work.
Your wife sounds a bit rough though, you should check out okcupid for a new one.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 7:08, closed)

Glad to see you listened to my helpful advice.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 8:04, closed)

I thought this was one of your stories until I got to the bottom

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 14:50, closed)

a little bit of sick in my mouth there
Well done
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 14:01, closed)

Cor.
Gizza snog.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 16:47, closed)

on the lips this time

(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Wed 10 Jul 2013, 8:58, closed)

More Aussie slang please

(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 16:39, closed)