Bully am I
As I've said before in "School Days", I was generally a good kid at school. Clever, academically competent and didn't get in trouble with the teachers. And unlike a lot of b3tans, I was lucky enough not to get bullied after the age of about 12.

That because at about that age, things switched round and I became the bully. This is not intended as a defense or an excuse - I'm fully aware that what I did at school was completely and totally unacceptable, and I've tried to learn from it. It took one of my friends taking me aside and patiently explaining what I'd been doing for me to realise it.

I was and still am a big guy, overweight to be sure but with broad shoulders and physically rather strong. This meant that I was unlikely to be attacked physically. I also hated the idea of fighting, so physical was out, I went for verbal. I was the kid with the cutting comment, or vicious putdown, or just picking on someone else's weakness. Always with the sarcastic or insulting comment that's supposedly funny but is just plain nasty and hurtful.

But because I was a good kid, I traded off that reputation. This lead to me stabbing someone in the back with a pencil during class, and getting no punishment. I even punched one of my yearmates in the face and got no repercussions. He had a snowball in his hand, I lied and said that I was trying to knock it out of his hand and missed. I even deliberately gave an apology in front of a large group, trying to look all contrite just because I knew it would make me look innocent and feeling guilty about the 'accident'.

At times, I was an utter cunt.

What I want to explain is a way this can happen. When you get picked on verbally, you learn to fight back verbally. You learn to pretend that any jabs at your weight, or your looks don't hurt. Rather than denying the attack, you learn to ignore it and hit back harder.

Even after the bullying stops or goes away you can still feel defensive and unsafe. You keep attacking. It will become a habit. You will do it even when you are not being attacked. Each time, in order to keep feeling safe you say something a little worse and taunt them a little bit harder. It's very much like an addiction. You don't dive straight in but give yourself over to it in tiny degrees and you don't even notice. And if you're not doing it all the time (I wasn't) and are nice to your friends and others (at times) then you can get away with it.

As I said before this post is not a defense or an excuse. I was a complete arsehole and if I'd received a good kicking I would have bloody well deserved it. I just wanted to make two points

- Some bullies might be aware they're being an arse, but not just how bad they're being. Still doesn't excuse what they're doing
- It is possible for them to reform and turn (or at least try) into decent people.

And for what little it's worth... and I know how little that is, I'm sorry.
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Sat 16 May 2009, 21:45, 6 replies)

no it's not worth little.
it's worth a lot.
not *one* of my bullies has ever said sorry to me and meant it. They have all done exactly what you did - with a supercilious smirk and a nasty undertone in front of everybody else.

If you mean that apology - it's worth a lot.
Thank you for coming clean.
(Poppet some assembly required., Sat 16 May 2009, 22:46, closed)

Wiser?
Looking over the board, I don't think I was as bad as many of the bullies, but I was definitely still nasty.

I grew up. I just hope that either they grow up too... or that karma gives them what they deserve.
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Sat 16 May 2009, 23:11, closed)

Sounds familiar
I was like that too. I think I'm finally growing out of it, but even though I don't say them anymore the smartarse remarks still pop into my head at the most inappropriate times :/
(xanthine, Sun 17 May 2009, 4:03, closed)

hmm
sounds a little like me, I was a scrawny little runt at school, weighed in at around 8stone soaking wet and wasn't physical at all, but I had an evil tongue sometimes and had a habit of being able to push peoples buttons in a nasty way

Never really got bullied that much, took a couple of beatings and a lot of teasing bacuse of my size and utter lack of taste in music clothes and haircuts etc plus my last name didn't help in the nickname front but can't remember ever handing any beatings out but i was a gobshite in my own opinion, and look back at school with loathing.

Oddly enough met a few people I went to school with over the years (most have drifted away) and none of them seem to have a bad word to say about me after i apologised for being such an odious little shit, so am wondering if you just pick out the selective crap and remember it, whereas you don't click that everyone was going though the same wall of emotions and hormones and trying to come out the other side with a little bit of respect.

I came out of it a shy wee chap, and never really open up to anyone unless i trust them anymore, but apart from the odd time I think I was ok, unlike some of the horror stories you read on here
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 17 May 2009, 8:20, closed)

Well, at least one bully
on this board has had the gall to admit his crimes and the humility to apologise for them. I stand with Vampyrecat on this one - I just wish more of them were like you.
(idle insomniac enjoys listening to Sigur Rós at stupid hours, Mon 18 May 2009, 12:50, closed)

Downhill
Thanks. It's a slippery slope to go down - anyone can end up like I did, just by going a little further every day. You don't even realise it's happening sometimes.
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Mon 18 May 2009, 15:02, closed)