I'd like to "touch base with you" and no "this is not a sales call".
So many irritating phrases, but the two above have to be the most irritating, for me, on the planet.

Please feel free to phone me and see how I'm doing, or enquire how things are going. Do not, however, for the love of gerbil-fucking tell me you're phoning to touch base with me. Your likely reply is for me to touch fist with you, preferably in the face.

Second one - "Hi, its feckless-script-reader from Arseholes. This isn't a sales call, I'm phoning you because you spoke to one of my colleagues about innane product a few months ago".

I'm a professional (to a degree) sales person - I know the pain these poor fuckers have to endure... That first line "this is not a sales call" is an alarm to all and sundry (even the Jeremy Kyle frequenting fraternity) that it is, indeed, a sales call. Speak that magical wording to me and you'll go from 0-Cunty in less than a millisecond.

(As a whimsical aside - when you want to fuck with them always push them to ask when, and what time, you spoke to said former colleague. They normally go all slack jawed - "oh, erm, the system doesn't tell me". Funny how the system tells you all my details - down to the current direction of my pubic hair due to the earth's magnetism and yet can't allow you to generate a plausible lie.

Apologies for length, and being ranty. Cherry popped n all that.
(spongtastic - Fisting midgets since 15.45, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:10, 4 replies)

Moronic phone calls make my day.
Several months ago...
Moron: "I'm calling on behalf of BT to let you know how you can save money on your phone bill."
Me: "Oh aye? I like saving money; tell me more."
Moron: "How much would you say your monthly spend on telephone calls is?"
Me: "You're calling on behalf of BT; you tell me."
Moron: "Um, er, yeah. Okay, do you have your phone service with BT?"
Me: "You're calling on behalf of BT; you tell me."
Moron: "Okay. Thanks for your time. Goodbye."

And just last night...
Robot: "Hi. I'm... calling... from your... credit card provider... this... is not a... sales call... there is nothing... wrong with your credit... card account but... it is important... that you call us... urgently to... discuss..."
I hung up at that point. I didn't fancy listening to a telephone robot do a poor William Shatner impersonation and not even bother to tell me which "credit card provider" the robot supposedly represented.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:24, closed)

I used to have to say 'this is not a sales call'
When I was phoning somebody back about a technical problem with a product from a company that makes MANY sales calls.
(Iggy Pop's Teeth, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:25, closed)

I love these,
good sport for an otherwise uninteresting day. I had one just an hour ago;
"Hello, could I speak to the owner of the business please?"
"And who would that be?"
"This is blah blah from blah incorporated"
"No, you misunderstand me. Who is the owner of the business?"
"I don't know that."
"Then why on earth do you think I should put you through?"
She was good sport that last one. Yesterday I had one with half a brain. From the name of the business, (so and so's product) he figured it out! Hearty congratulations to you Amir. The only cold caller with any sense this week.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:37, closed)

"you'll go from 0-Cunty in less than a millisecond."
Beautiful turn of phrase. *click*
(Leo Sasquatch hates being the grown-up, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 7:22, closed)