GREEDY FARMERS
Because I was obviously a paedophile in a previous life and my magnum opus had been the rape of every virgin boy and girl in all of Christendom, I have worked in customer service jobs most of my adult life. My last outing in the employment sector was working as a drone for the government. This was a particular executive subsidiary to DEFRA in deep and darkest Devon that shall remain nameless (this is because I was known as a cunt at this establishment. Two and two might equal a break of the official secrets act and then captaincuntybollocks becomes and personal keyhole, if cocks were keys that is).

Anywho, I would deal with a vast number of farmers (agricultural agents was the politically correct term we were forced to use, at gunpoint) wondering why they have not paid there (OBSCENLY FUCKING HUGE) government subsidies. Call after call, the usual tsunami of peasants and landed gentry calling me a right wing wanker who does not understand there issues, I miss that sometimes (insert blurry lines). The Farmers I represented saw me as scum and not fit enough to be shit on the devils hairy hoof, the feeling was mutually reciprocated. As with many of the posts so far it is obvious that callers/customers do not realise the powers of phone monkey, and goodness me, I had some serious power to fuck up businesses and lives.
AND I DID MUHAHAHAHAHMUHAHAHAHA

Around the time I had decided to quit and fuck off to the other side of the world, my team leader asked me to clear my correspondences from these inbread/illiterate agricultural armadillo’s, the usual crap, you leave and make sure you leave your mess in some sort of order. While rummaging through endless shite the phone rings, something to ease the boredom me thinks, the conversation goes as follows:

Me: Hello, Certain Govertment Executive Agency, Captaincuntybollocks speaking. How can I help?
Farmer: You can start by fucking paying me my (YES DEAR READER, HE SAID MY!!) money.
Me: Can I ask you sir that you do not use any more abusive language as I will disconnect you if you should do so again. Now Sir, can you give me your details.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH and the conversation continues.

Now from the opening gambit this customer was never going to get my fullest of attention or sympathy and he went onto cry poverty and demanded he was paid in full immediately as his farmer friend (and possible lover/brother/uncle) had already been paid. Therefore, I agreed to look into his claim and call him back at the next opportunity. Being my last week, the lazy part of my brain was telling me to jack it off to the next unlucky former paedophile that should take my place. However, something got up my nose about him and I decided to use all my investigative powers to access the delayed payment.

Therefore, as I donned dear stalker, refilled my pipe, and slipped on my velvet jacket I started looking through three years worth of claims, payments, correspondence and forms from this prick. Believe me when I say this, I had no idea what I was looking for I just wanted to ruin his day somehow and then I struck gold, and by gold I mean beaurocrtaic wizardry. The payment scheme had been running for three years and it was about as organised as narcoleptics darts match. So each year the scheme rules changed ever so slightly to accommodate the needs of the EU and worldwide agricultural issues. Failure to adhere to these rules will, as Arnie might put it in some dodgy pro American eighties action flick while chomping on one of Cuba’s finest, fuck you up. Our friend had fucked up.

The previous year our client was informed by letter, as were all customers, that they had to set aside a small percentage of land and not claim, grow or use any of that set aside land. Why? Fuck Knows. Well, this greedy so and so claimed on all his land and not set aside anything. Joy of fucking joys. Not only would I deliberately put his claim to the back of the que but I could deploy many penalties for being a greedy illiterate bastard.

Our next phone conversation goes something like this:

Me: Hello is that Mr (Greedy cunt) farmer.
Farmer: Yes
Me: This is captaincuntybollocks from that government agency I’m not allowed to mention returning your call.
Farmer: About time
Me: Well I’m afraid it’s not good news Mr farmer. I looked through three years of your claims and it turns out you have tried to claim land that should be set aside. As with all scheme rule changes you were informed by post on (insert date) and then again in your new handbook. You were made aware of the penalties for failing to adhere to these rule changes in your handbook and it is with a heavy heart (bollocks) that I have to apply a 20% reduction to your payments for this year.
BACK OF THE FUCKING NET!!!!!!!

Now I should point that like most call centres our conversations are recorded and it was the unfortunate farmer who fell foul to this as he started to splutter some shite about living on the breadline and etc…. (Note: He was getting over a hundred grand a year in subsidies!). Then a strange calm descended on his voice, almost a post cum calmness, and he tried to offer me a bribe to the tune of 200 quid to forget all about this and process his claim immediately. I informed him that this was not possible and went onto fill him with a pack of lies that his claim will be processed asap. Now, some people would have left it at that and forgot all about the bribe but not me. I had taken too much shite over the previous year from the over paid cunt’s to let this potential satisfying moment pass me by. So I duly informed my line manager about the bribe and gave a written to statement to the effect.

As I was leaving the next week my line manager came and told me that the farmer had lost nearly everything that year due to his little stupid act. There is a moral to this tale and it is politeness. If he was polite, in the first place, I might have overlooked his administration fuck up and just overridden the delay in the payment, but his attitude and the last act of a desperate man, bribery, were his downfall.

Length: About three days of Sherlock esq pipe smoking and investigation.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 22:22, 10 replies)

Single Farm Payment Scheme?
Not surprised Sir Baron of Barley got pissed off, you lot were shagging in cupboards instead of processing payments, weren't you? :D
( spesh., Fri 4 Sep 2009, 22:32, closed)

certainly were
and we were using government and taxpayers time to do so. miss that job, getting paid a lot to do generally fuck all. So many farmers got fucked over in 2008 due to that department sacking off half it temp work force at the most important time of the year, the replacements were complete nubies with little or no experience. Who said the civil service is full of cunt's......everyone i think.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 22:45, closed)

click
Just for the first line.

Now I'll get on to reading the rest of the story.
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 23:41, closed)

Beyond outstanding
I have never been so delighted to *click* as here.
(ChaRleyTroniC is invincible with his chips and cheese, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 23:51, closed)

You put his claim to the back of the what?
?
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 0:01, closed)

Superbly told.
This is clickable purely on the basis of the first line alone.. never mind the rest!
(anvil, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 12:01, closed)

thank you all
for the clicks and kind words.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 12:09, closed)

in addition to your sins in previous lives, your punctuation and grammar is appalling.

( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Sat 5 Sep 2009, 22:13, closed)

I have a broken wrist (insert wanking joke here please)
See sir after school?
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Sun 6 Sep 2009, 13:59, closed)

"narcoleptics darts match"
Gets a click and a sandwich splutter!
(Puddle of Sugar was still wallpapering on, Mon 7 Sep 2009, 13:16, closed)