bloody diet!
as a permanent porker, my mother would usually have me on a diet. being 16 stones at the age of 14 was not a good thing. however, i love food. this meant that i would find any way possible to cheat on my diet. mum phoned the school to instruct them to only serve me salads? i bought my anorexic mate's packed lunch every day. small and healthy portions for tea? i'd go to my mate's house and scoff all her biscuits. i was the master of the 30-second sandwich and could eat a bag of crisps without making a sound.
but, i hear you ask, if you were so sneaky, how did you get caught? well, i'm coming to that bit.
one day, after being denied a sandwich, i decided i was VERY HUNGRY. mum had just gone out, but i knew she wouldn't be long, so i set about finding quick and easy food. bingo! there in the cupboard lay a tin of smash, that cheap and rather nasty instant mash. i'm ashamed to say i love the stuff.
quick as a flash, i boiled the kettle and made myself a bowlful. i couldn't put the empty packet in the bin, or i'd be rumbled. so, i took it upstairs with me. the only room in the house with a lock on the door at that time was the bathroom, so i locked myself in and started to enjoy my fake potato treat. after quickly gobbling it up, i opened the bathroom window and flung out the empty packet, watching it sail over the wall into the alleyway behind the house, before taking the bowl back downstairs to wash it and put it away before my mother discovered my secret.
an hour later, i was called downstairs by an irate mum, who proceeded to bollock me for breaking my diet. i tried to deny it, but to no avail. i asked her how she knew and was told that, as my brother was coming home from his friend's house, he decided to take a shortcut through the alleyway, only to have an empty smash packet bounce off his head. he put two and two together, helped by the fact that he could see me closing the bathroom window. of course, he couldn't wait to tell mum.
guess who got no tea that night...
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 18:40, 12 replies)

yeah....
but look at ya now!

i was stick thin till I was 16....then I had to leave home due to bullying at school and at home...that's what triggered my eating :(
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 18:54, closed)

all my family are fat
except my younger sister. 2 months after having twins, she was back to 10 stones.
bitch.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 18:59, closed)

well...
my dad is thin...so is my brother...

both can drink more than me!

both have more hair than me!

i'm sure i'm adopted!

however it's my mums side of the family with the mental disorders....so I did get something from somewhere after all :(
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 19:04, closed)

You could probably have been...
...doing with a few extra nights with no tea if you were 16st at age 14.
(god_is_a_ghoti Carpe Deum., Thu 3 Jun 2010, 20:14, closed)

more than likely
but i was a stubborn and greedy bugger
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 20:24, closed)

I feel your big-boned pain
I just have to walk past a Thorton's to put on half a stone. This probably isn't helped by me stuffing my face on a regular basis, but still. Grr.
(Draco Rattus ate all the pies on, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 21:33, closed)

thornton's
next time you're there, get a cappuccino bar and a sicilian lemon bar. take alternate bites of each.
trust me.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 21:40, closed)

I'll try anything once
But only if it involves chocolate/sexual gratification/Alexa Davalos.
(Draco Rattus ate all the pies on, Sat 5 Jun 2010, 8:45, closed)

so that's where the smash reference comes from!
:)
( finnbar has officially retired, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 22:09, closed)

i'm saying nothing
;)
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 23:30, closed)

Sneaking mash potato in the lavatory!

*click*
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 11:22, closed)

at least i didn't get caught
for the ham sandwich in my coat pocket.
to be fair, i was pissed and put it there for safekeeping.
no, i don't know why, either.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 19:17, closed)