Fabric, Knickers & Boxers
In this day and age of equality of the sexes, I hate to say it but the ladies have a better deal when it comes to the common or garden chat up line. Your average lady only has to have one thing to pull: a pulse. And things that might work for the ladies don’t ever, I mean EVER, work the other way round.

I’ll give you the best example I’ve got:

One time in Fabric (fuck knows what I was doing in there, hardly my scene), I was off my tits on Malibu dancing like a man with syphilis in need of a piss who’d just been set on fire. All of a sudden this pretty girly I’d been chatting to earlier walks up to me and places something warm and moist in my hand, she smiles, walks off… I glance down and in the gloom, finding it hard to concentrate on what I’m looking at on account of the incredibly loud and shit dance music, I realize I’m holding something dainty, smooth, containing a few wiry pubes: it was her tiny knickers. After a quick reflex sniff I was salivating and more horny than a peado watching a Pampers commercial. The girl had pulled. It was fucking easy. Like taking candy from a baby.

A few weeks later in a different club, remembering this monumental night, I tried the same thing. After chatting to this random girl for fucking ages, I wandered off for a piss, had this bright idea, returned, placed my boxers in her hand – almost forcing her to take them, really. And was greeted with:

“What the fuck is this? “

“It’s my pants,” I replied, suddenly realizing this wasn’t a very good idea and perhaps, just perhaps, I shouldn’t have worn the same pair of grundies out clubbing that I’d had on for the previous two days.

“Your pants?”

No, really not a very good idea at all. “Ummm… yeah… well, errrr – do you, errr, ... .... ..... .... like ... ... ... .... them?”

She regarded me as if I’d just escaped from some asylum somewhere, then she screwed up her face and spat: “Do I like your fucking pants? I’m sorry, did I hear you right you fucking perv?”

“...I thought, you know, I thought it would be... errr... sorry. I'm so very, very, very sorry... Ummmm.... errr... could I have my pants back, please?”

Result? Fuck no. I received a swift knee in the knackers, a smack round the gob (those North London girls don’t take any shit, I can tell you), and the closest I got to any form of sexual congress that evening was when the burly, big, fuck ugly bouncer nearly rammed his cock up my arse as he held me squeezed tight in a bear hug that nearly broke my fucking ribs as he threw me out into the pissing rain.

Lesson learned: Don’t give random strangers your pants in the hope of getting laid (well, not unless you’re a woman or a man with something approaching what would be considered the required minimum level personal hygiene standards in polite society, at a push)…
( SpankyHanky, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 16:58, 8 replies)

Ha ha
I once threw my boxer shorts at Dannii Minogue. We didn't end up together.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:10, closed)

Alliteration
"Hornier than a peado watching a Pampers commercial."

Your mastery of the inappropriate metaphor never ceases to amaze.
(justin(e), Sat 12 Dec 2009, 4:04, closed)

"I was off my tits on Malibu dancing like a man with syphilis in need of a piss who’d just been set on fire"...
...has made my afternoon...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:28, closed)

If this is all true,
It's brilliant! Have a soiled click
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:42, closed)

Come, now
Spanky's truth:bollocks ratio is a number so small that scientists have needed to create a new prefix for it.

Oh, and additionally: when I first read that, I thought it said 'soiled dick'. That would have been a much better compliment!
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Sun 13 Dec 2009, 15:43, closed)

I know this is a lie:
girls don't have pubes.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Tue 15 Dec 2009, 6:58, closed)

lovely
although those chat up lines with *always* work for girls - doesn't work so well for us munters
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 18:44, closed)

hahahaha
classic
(twoheads Is currently broke on, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 19:14, closed)