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This is a question Christmas Tales

Deskbound says: "We found my nan's false teeth under the table a few hours after we'd finished Christmas lunch. The teeth still had a mouthful of food in them." Share your Crimble-related stories.

(, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 15:09)
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Evil Grandma
My granny was a pretty bitter old woman who generally took a strong dislike to most things, especially people.

I have to admit I was amused by her trying to poison pigeons, keeping a large stash of cash under her mattress, and her telling her kind and helpful neighbour that he was nosey and to go away.

For both convenience and cost, I used to park my car in her resident's only space in the town where I worked, and she lived. It was a mutually beneficial arrangement - I got free parking, she got to speak to another human being who didn't care that she was a hate filled monster. I even took lunch with her once per week - we were buddies!

Anyway, long story short, the rest of my family sent a naff Jesus in a manger card, and a cheap bottle of booze at Christmas (the safe option as she liked a tipple and was not fond of...well anything really.)

Because I knew my place as the special grandson, I trotted off to the shops feeling all lovely inside, and purchased her a beautiful broach with diamonds and sapphires - she was an old girl but she dressed well! I done good, and this touching, personal (and expensive) gift would reach the cold caverns of her icy heart, and cement my place as favourite grandchild (and top place in the Will).

However, I underestimated her icy meanness, and failed to understand the depths to which she resented being alive. The gift rather backfired.

On picking her up in my car, to taxi her off to the parents for Christmas Day dinner, I was promptly and in no uncertain terms bollocked for being late - the fact I had a 2 hours detour to run this service was of no consequence. Despite having a large cosy house in which to wait, she stood outside for an hour in the snow to prove her point.

I was sure that she can't have opened the fantastic gift I had left wrapped for her, she wouldn't have spoken to me like the other vile humans!

"Did you get your little present from Santa, Grandma?" I dared to ask

" I did...and it's a damn horrible ugly thing, how the damn hell do you you expect me to put that on with hands like these..." shows twisty gnarly fingers like twigs, with talons for nails... "It's neither use nor ornament, I'm fed up of people giving me things I don't want and didn't ask for...."

She continued on a bit, but my brain filtered her tirade of complete ungrateful and insensitive evil, and I started to feel a bit dizzy. For a fraction of a second (well, maybe about 10 full seconds) my gaze fixed on a post at the side of the road, and I wondered if I released her seatbelt and drove into the post, if it would kill her, or make her stronger.

On arrival at my parents gaff, despite her being crippled up and barely able to shuffle along since I can remember, she unfastened her safety belt with her gnarly twig fingers, jumped out of the range rover, and marched into my parents house. It was a Christmas fucking miracle.

I cried, no one spoke at the dinner, she was taken home by my dad who was given the piece of jewellery to send back to me, and never bought her another present.

She's is in a nursing home now, stroking a stuffed bunny rabbit that she calls Flopsy.

I kept the broach as a reminder of the woman I used to know.

Merry Christmas.
(, Mon 23 Dec 2013, 13:56, 18 replies)
Still at least she'll be dead soon eh?

(, Mon 23 Dec 2013, 14:20, closed)
And no sign of bitterness from you.
You're a fine person, even though you only talk to us twice in six years.
(, Mon 23 Dec 2013, 14:24, closed)
So you're upset because you fucked yourself out of an inheritance by being a show-offy little brown-noser?

(, Mon 23 Dec 2013, 14:43, closed)

nah, i still visit her in the home - i just dont buy brOOOOOches for xmas anymore
(, Mon 23 Dec 2013, 15:33, closed)
Evil Grandma
Your Gradma sounds quite a lot like my mum, including now being in a nursing home.
(, Mon 23 Dec 2013, 14:47, closed)
You seem to think that she is at fault. However, your story is like when someone hijacks the eulogy
to talk about themselves. Expensive broach, Range Rover, large house, god aren't we the well heeled ones. Well done you.
(, Mon 23 Dec 2013, 14:58, closed)
I bet the only reason he could afford all that shit is from the money he saved by stealing her parking space, the selfish greedy cunt.

(, Mon 23 Dec 2013, 15:00, closed)

ahah, yeah, the free space for the car she doesn't have.
(, Mon 23 Dec 2013, 15:23, closed)
Well not now you've put her in a home for not liking some gaudy piece of tat, no.
(, Mon 23 Dec 2013, 15:27, closed)
i think OP is a girl and grandson is a cunning ploy
why would a man want a brooch?

if i'm wrong, well, feel free to post it to me.
(, Mon 23 Dec 2013, 15:23, closed)

expensive brOOch in comparison to cheap plonk, range rover to highlight it was high up for her to climb out of (it was an old one if it helps) and her large house, not mine - the NHS now own it to pay for her care.
(, Mon 23 Dec 2013, 15:32, closed)
The NHS is free at the point of need, so selling the house must be for either social care, or private nursing.
Sorry to nitpick, Albert.
(, Mon 23 Dec 2013, 16:09, closed)
The NHS is free at the point of need?
Really? You must tell my dentist.
(, Mon 23 Dec 2013, 20:06, closed)
And your optician, no doubt.

(, Mon 23 Dec 2013, 20:19, closed)
Oh and it's brooch, you fucking illiterate.

(, Mon 23 Dec 2013, 15:00, closed)
My broach was a play on words. Other than that, I am quiet iliritate

(, Mon 23 Dec 2013, 17:52, closed)
did you buy your granny a metalworking tool for Christmas?
(, Mon 23 Dec 2013, 16:45, closed)
She saw right through you, sonny.

(, Mon 23 Dec 2013, 17:30, closed)

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