if you've had a perfect christmas
with no fights, no tantrums, no unwanted or just plain shit presents, no embarrassing drunk relatives, no turkey disasters and no remembering something vital 5 minutes after the shops have shut, you're either living alone or lying.
christmas isn't perfect. we want it to be, so we try so hard to make it what we want. it'll never match up, so we feel it's been terrible. failed at christmas? yeah, just you and every other fucker. stop trying to control it and go with the flow. it's so much easier. save the grief for next month's credit card bill.

EDIT: this is basically to everyone who's stressed themselves out. i haven't, but i've seen it everywhere in the past few days and it's pointless. mums especially, calm down, we really are enjoying it!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 16:43, 32 replies)

I had a perfect Christmas.. I don't celebrate Christmas so I had no stress, no relatives round, no presents, no turkey disasters and I bought my fags before the shop shut. :D It was lovely.
(Freakmandu, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 16:46, closed)

yes, but you and him down there didn't stress trying to make it perfect
so you enjoyed it
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 17:02, closed)

I had a solo Christmas this year and it was brill.
Cooked a big hunk of beef just for myself, played Portal 2 all afternoon and went to see The Wolf of Wall Street in the evening, thus ending the day on a very high note.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 16:57, closed)

what, no booze?

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 17:08, closed)

Oh, plenty of booze.
I drank a bottle of wine that a wine expert friend gave me for my birthday last year and that I hadn't found a suitable occasion for drinking prior to then.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 17:11, closed)

nice!

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 17:18, closed)

I had no fights, no tantrums, all my presents were great, dinner was fantastic,
all the shops were open anyway, including bizarrely the car wash up the road, had a nice walk on the beach, got pissed and had great sex. Christmas is perfect, it sounds like you're just a bit shit at it.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 17:02, closed)

not me, i leave the stress to others
i've just seen so many people over the last few days who are on the verge of total meltdown over the whole thing. their families, by and large, are having fun. the stressed person seems to think something is wrong and so CHRISTMAS IS RUINED!!!
all i'm saying is, stop fretting, stop trying to make it perfect and, if you're lucky, it might just be.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 17:05, closed)

Christmas was great
But I do take your point that many people are so wound up by the preparations and the absolute expectation that it has to be 'perfect' that the slightest glitch becomes an earth-shattering apocalypse.
Viz:- A friend's tantrum when they forgot to reheat the part-cooked bread rolls. Cue crying, almost smashing up the kitchen and spending 15 minutes sobbing on the stairs. Get the fuck over it.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 17:29, closed)

very much so
this was me and one of my friends:
"oh, fuck! i've forgotten the chestnuts! i'll never get them now!"
"but none of you like chestnuts, they'll just go to waste."
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!!"
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 17:39, closed)

Well.........
We had a relatively stress free christmas....No one argued at all, mum admittedly drank more champagne than was wise for a woman of her age! the meal was perfection, presents were gratefully received and the kids had fun playing charades with the olds lol!!!! Even better was today when the house emptied of guests and Mrs Spinks and I had a bottle of bubbly with reheated dinner leftover in front of a roaring log fire...all by ourselves....twas bliss!
(spinks its only kinky the first time, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 18:09, closed)

i'm just glad my parents went out today
otherwise mum would have worn herself out, cooking a huge meal that nobody wanted. boxing day is the day to survive on peanuts, quality street and booze.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 18:14, closed)

Four generations together twice in two days.
Good food and great fun and games.
I'm guessing you haven't read the manual
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Thu 26 Dec 2013, 19:31, closed)

there's a MANUAL????

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 14:39, closed)

Mine was perfect. If you have a shit Christmas then you're shit at Christmas.
Don't project that shitness onto the rest of us. It probably means you're shit at life generally.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 20:14, closed)

Awws, look at that grumpy toddler =)
I accidentally pressed 'I like this' instead of 'reply' and would love it if you're aware that only by accident can this shit post be considered even remotely loveable
(macroscian (1 like), Fri 27 Dec 2013, 8:24, closed)

Poor Dr.S, this place really does bring out the worst of his narcissistic personality disorder.
Fancies himself a disarmingly witty latter day Dr.Johnson but comes across as an online Dr.Shipman.
We should try harder to understand and accommodate him, he really can't help it.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 13:02, closed)

would you like a hug?

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 14:39, closed)

Not really.
I'm covered in kids and full of beer and sausages. The last thing I need is an inept grope from some needy interspastic.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 15:59, closed)

interspastic
my new favourite word :D
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 29 Dec 2013, 16:49, closed)

That's my new sig sorted.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 11:53, closed)

I hear you...

We have what I like to call an 'Eye of the hurricane' situation for Christmas:

Before the event, we will make time for some friends and some family, asking them kindly to not bother us over Christmas...

We will do the 'Visit the relatives' lark after the event; thanking them for not bothering us over Christmas...

But on the day, it's all about the present Mrs Pooflake and the flakelets. That makes it perfect, and it has been.

I could ramble on further (you know I could) but as a special Christmas present I will trim about 4000 words from this post and say 'I hope you had an awesome one Smash Monkey'.

:)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 26 Dec 2013, 22:13, closed)

Cunning.
They're never going to visit you over Christmas because they hate you. This way it feels like you're alone because you've asked to be alone.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 8:34, closed)

i got red 2
and the new terry pratchett, so i'm happy! :)
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 14:37, closed)

I had a lovely christmas day, made even better by the rich festive dinner finally ending 5 days of constipation.
Coming out of the bathroom singing Mr Hanky the Christmas poo didnt go down very well though.
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 11:41, closed)

Massive Christmas dumps are one of the joys of the festive season.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 13:15, closed)

time to get out the real yule log

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 13:47, closed)

get fucked get fucked

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 14:40, closed)

so rude they said it twice

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 14:41, closed)

get fucked

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 14:43, closed)

THREE TIMES A LADY

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 15:35, closed)

I think I should make it my new chrimbly tradition
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 17:12, closed)

ha!
i went home still wearing the paper hat from my cracker. nobody bothered to remind me :D
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 14:38, closed)

My wife and kids went to a wedding in Brazil, 12 days away, arriving back
on Christmas eve afternoon.

By which time I had done the shopping, wrapped the presents, tided up (a bit), and had spent most of the previous 2 weeks being fucking lazy, doing what the hell I wanted all day.

So we were all very relaxed. I cracked a bottle of bubbly at about 9.30, polished most of it off while cooking the lunch, we all had a good feast and spent most of the afternoon on the sofa watching TV, or playing with my 3 year old and his new trainset.

Can't fault that.
(username failed moderation, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 11:18, closed)