I don't go in the places myself as they tend to be full of smug, self-righteous cunts
...but I did once break down outside a church.

I was driving an old VW MkII Polo and it had a tendency to fuck up sometimes when trying to start - the starter motor would lock in the "open" position and the only way I knew to reset it was to slip the thing into first and physically push the car through one turn of the gears, resetting the starter motor. This is a tricky manoeuvre when there are two people in the car; by yourself it's physically knackering, particularly when it doesn't work the first time and you have to rinse and repeat the whole procedure.

So, as luck would have it, this church was just finishing their evening service and all the Jebus-worshippers were duly filing out, with the vicarpriest standing at the door shaking hands and thanking them for attending. "Aha," I thought. "Surely one of the congregation will take pity on me and give me a hand getting my car started. Surely to fuck." But no - even though every single one of them looked over and saw me in difficulties, they then turned away, got into their own cars and drove off. Finally there was just me and the man in the dress, who looked at me, shook his head and closed the door.

Speaking as an atheist who has helped push more strangers' cars than I care to remember, never have I witnessed such an excellent display of Christian charity. Smug, self-righteous cunts, the lot of them.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 12:35, 26 replies)

You must have got the wrong church
I think what you needed were the Samaritans - look for something like this next time you conk out


( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 12:44, closed)

There was me thinking that the parable of the "Good Samaritan" was a tenet of Christian belief
I must have been thinking of some other bunch of smug, self-righteous cunts
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 14:44, closed)

Did you look at them with a face that said "You're all smug self-righteous cunts"?
That may have explained why they didn't help.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 12:55, closed)

Which gospel is that from again?

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 13:03, closed)

He was wearing it on a T-shirt.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 13:08, closed)

Under his jumper.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 13:09, closed)

Well that goes without saying.
Or at least, you'd think it would. Some people make a story out of it.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 13:16, closed)

Maybe it was the wrong sort of car
In the gospel of John, Christ tells the people “For I did not speak of my own Accord.”
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 13:12, closed)

Oh well played here.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 13:28, closed)

Oh yes.
Yes indeed.
(Blunt Logic, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 13:42, closed)

No, should have been on a motorcycle
"The roar of his triumph could be heard throughout the land"
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 14:05, closed)

...and Jehovah has a Plymouth
"for he drove Adam & Eve out of the Garden in a Fury"
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 14:41, closed)

Too many people are good Christians for one day a week.
Me, I'm not particularly religious, but I think that Christ bloke talked a lot of sense, and Christians would do well to take heed of his example.
(gordonjcp, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 14:16, closed)

As Gandhi is quoted as saying:
"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians."

Which I like to think was his way of saying: "Smug, self-righteous cunts, the lot of them."
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 14:33, closed)

Jesus was like one of those cool hippy ethics professors, and a bit like Ken Kesey.
he talked a lot of sense and he seemed like an awesome dude. He hung around with whores and low-lifes and convinced people to quit their jobs and just fuck about travelling the country.

But he also talked a lot of pretentious, obscure and wacko-religious bullshit. You know the type. Likes the sound of his own voice. What I'm saying is, if Jesus was alive today he'd probably use homeopathy, look exactly like he does in the paintings, and be insufferable company for anyone over the age of 25.
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 14:55, closed)

There's that saying "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a car"
I really think it's time I let go, so I'm not posting about my ex-wife on here this week...

...but her, her Christian family and nearly all of her Christian friends cut me dead when we split up, even the ones I thought were really good people.

There's no love like Christian love :)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 15:40, closed)

One of my mum's friends was an Arch-Deacon
They'd known each other from college, yet when my dad left her for another woman (without any warning or clue that he might) the Arch-Deacon completely cut her off because she "should have worked harder at saving their marriage".

The smug, self-righteous cunt.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 15:53, closed)

Arch-Deacon eh?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 16:05, closed)

Did you bother to call out and ask for help,
or were you hoping that, perhaps by divine miracle, some of them might be psychic?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 21:26, closed)

As a normal human being, I see someone struggling to push a car, I offer them a hand
Fuck's sake, I've even helped a uniformed copper push his vehicle. Is there something special about God-botherers that removes this basic empathy with others?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 10:01, closed)

pushing cars on the day of rest? are you quite mad?
( hugo-a-gogo has no sig, the gayer, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 10:40, closed)

Oh yes, I forgot
They're excused from being decent human beings because their sky fairy is a bit of a lazy fucker
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 14:47, closed)

You need to work on your pantomime skills.
Put on a bit of a show so that everyone can see that's you're struggling.

Failing that, you could learn to communicate verbally.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 14:54, closed)

Fuck yeah
I forgot that Christians had their eyesight removed along with their empathy and humility
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 15:00, closed)

Come on, it's all there in the Bible.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 19:50, closed)

Moslems would have got your car started.
You know. Moslems. We all know what they're like. What they'd have done is, they'd have...

*looks around*

Where the fuck's everyone gone?
(judgetheobscure used to sweep in butchers' shops., Thu 8 Sep 2011, 0:53, closed)