How I left the Church
I was never a religious child, but in my early teens I felt a little lost and went searching for something. I found the Church up the road inviting and the preacher, April, was fantastic. She was a white preacher in a very black Church, a little Happy-Clappy but in a good way. I found my place in the community, went on some weekend outings with the young people in surrounding churches and have a bloody good time mackin' lips with the daughters of conservative Christian dads while they were inside praying.

Anyway, as one of the youngest adults I was invited to help with the microphones in the Church and other techie bits that no one else could do. I did that for a couple of years, still mackin' chicks and having the occasional joint with the organist. Life was pretty sweet.

Eventually, the calling came for April to move, soon to replaced by a thoroughly incompetent vicar called CBain (name changed - obviously). She saw the congregation as beneath her and always talked down to people, I remember that she used horribly weak connections of pop culture to explain the message of God, such as David Beckham's sending off in the World Cup as an allegory for Jesus and the crucifixion. Awful preacher.

So I decided I could do better.

I said my intent, there had been guest speakers before, but never one from our own congregation, especially not someone who hadn't been ordained and was still a child in the eyes of the law.

My intention was to do a little bit on Samson, we hadn't heard much about him recently, CBain kept to the New Testament and we were starting to hear repeats. Jesus did this; Jesus did that, who cares? Let's throw some Old Testament God into the mix.

But CBain kept cockblocking my sermon with fake bureaucracy, 'you need to have the sermon vetted by myself and local Christian Council', 'I need the sermon written out in full with timings', 'there isn't enough time in the two hour service for a 5 minute sermon'. I can't remember exactly what she said to throw in front of me because it was always so trivial, whatever I did for her, she demanded something else.

One Saturday night I decided I'd had enough. I threw out my Samson sermon and opened my Bible. It fell open on Matthew Chapter 23. Where Jesus opens a can of verbal whoopass on the Pharisees, the political and religious leaders of the time. This was the only time I genuinely felt that I had been given a sign.

So the next day, I reminded CBain that I wanted to speak, she nodded and whirled away to the Vestry. During the service, I waited patiently for my time to come. Of course it didn't, she had again ignored me and failed to put me into the order of service. Instead, I waited until the very end when it was asked of the congregation if there were any other notices.

I put my hand up. She tried to ignore me. So I switched off her microphone, turned on mine, stood up and read verses 1-12.

Here is a snippet for you now. "Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples: “The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat. So you must be careful to do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. They tie up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them."

It goes on and I read it in full. I then declared CBain to be the Pharisee in the Church, how she will not listen to the people and keep pursuing her own agenda. I kept it short, otherwise I'd have started swearing and spitting with rage. I received a splattering of an applause, which in a Church when you are defaming the Vicar is a pretty good reception.

Job done, flicked the microphones back, turned around and stormed out the Church.

The last thing I heard was "And if anyone wants to discuss the points raised with MrTeapot, I'm sure he'll be around after the service."

No I wasn't. I never went back. I dabbled in other Churches, other religions and I'm now an Atheist of some kind.
(MrTeapot hasn't played with himself since, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 17:21, 17 replies)

How I left the church.
Massive orange flames licking the shitty arse of a towering plume of black smoke with an overpowering stench eminating from the enormous turd laid on the altar.

Each to their own, I suppose...
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 17:44, closed)

Damn
Your way sounds better. I really should have done something a bit more memorable.
(MrTeapot hasn't played with himself since, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 17:50, closed)

'mackin?
whut?
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 18:23, closed)

The poster is, I think, American.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 6 Sep 2011, 18:34, closed)

I take offense to that, sir.
(MrTeapot hasn't played with himself since, Wed 7 Sep 2011, 0:05, closed)

...
http://tinyurl.com/3au752q
( MatJ LOOK, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 18:35, closed)

Exporting high performance automotive accessories?

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 19:44, closed)

Selling educational resources?

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 20:00, closed)

Phwoar.
No lady could resist.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 20:18, closed)

Mackin'.

Perhaps a colloquialism, making out, kissing, smacking lips. The dodgy kind of kissing you do when you are young and horny.
(MrTeapot hasn't played with himself since, Wed 7 Sep 2011, 0:06, closed)

whichever way you cut it, this is more than slightly pathetic.
did you roar off down the aisle in your honda accord?
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 20:49, closed)

I thought it was a reasonably satisfying story (within it's context),
but the writing style filled me with unreserved hatred for the author (likely, it was the use of "mackin" that did it).
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 20:56, closed)

Would you like me to change "mackin"? Anything else you'd like me to change?
(MrTeapot hasn't played with himself since, Wed 7 Sep 2011, 0:09, closed)

Mackin'
Nah, leave it in, it seems to annoy the right people. Good story and it sounds like she deserved it.
( difficultchild, Wed 7 Sep 2011, 1:36, closed)

Phew, thanks. I thought I was universally hated, now I know it's just the majority.

Majority can sod it.
(MrTeapot hasn't played with himself since, Wed 7 Sep 2011, 14:59, closed)

Yes, change it all.
Bend to my every whim, faceless internet.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 7 Sep 2011, 8:04, closed)

I like this
Have a click
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Wed 7 Sep 2011, 11:49, closed)