Toilet terrorists
I recently went to use the lavatories at Sheffield Midland train station. As I walked in, a gentleman walked into the adjacent cubicle at the same time. I shut the door behind me, hung my bag up, and attempted to separate the seat from the lid - both were up, and I needed the seat so that I could do my wee jobbies into the toilet.

However, as I pulled the seat, I heard a soft squelch that will live with me forever, and saw that someone had done a dirt ONTO the seat, and then pushed the seat up so that the faecus acted as a kind of rudimentary glue holding the two together.

The man in the next cubicle may have thought I was common, as all he would have heard was a soft squelch, me saying 'oh, for fucks' sake', and then me leaving the cubicle, almost as though I'd pappered my trolleys. In fact, the dirty bastard who'd prepared this little trap was the common one here. What's wrong with writing crude graffiti on the walls? Is that not extreme enough anymore?

I still haven't told my girlfriend about it.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 16:16, 13 replies)

What is it about public toilets
That can turn probably respectable people at home into total mongers with the social grace of an incontinent elephant at a tea party?

And yes - kids today have lost the art of drawing spunking cocks and writing rude graffiti on toilet walls.

*pines for the old days*
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 21 Oct 2008, 16:23, closed)

Why do you need the seat
to pee in a public toilet?

You DON´T seat in public toilets.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 21 Oct 2008, 16:26, closed)

"wee jobbies" = poopoos
Here ends today's English lesson ;)
(Binary Solo loves a bit of algebra, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 16:35, closed)

OK, I didn't know that
but anyway, you NEVER sit in a public toilet. Didn't your mum tell you?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 22 Oct 2008, 10:30, closed)

This is common.
Eugh. Also have you noticed in more modern buildings the complete absence of urinals in the gents? I noticed this about a year ago and it is really irritates me. All there is is standard set of normal bogs.

And what's with the weird sealed bins as well? And the shocked females?
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 16:38, closed)

If you think that was bad.....
....a similar thing happened to me in the office. I went into a cubicle and was not greeted with shit over the seat, or the lid oh no. On top of the toilet paper dispenser someone had actually shit into a cup and left it there. It was practically nasal level with me before I noticed it.
I thought the job was shit enough, but Jesus H.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 16:46, closed)

*choke*
Ta. My tea has just met with the screen.


A real LOL
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 10:19, closed)

Style
I've seen in a pub that some depraved individual felt the need to use a piece of excrement as a rudimentary crayon to daub their moniker on the ceiling.

The factor that injected my sense of disgust with a welcome shot of mirth was the name signed in bum fudge.

"Brownie woz ere".
Really...
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 16:47, closed)

This reminds me (sadly)
I took my mate Ian to Frank Black and the Catholics, Live at Liquid Rooms, Edinburgh.

I purchased a T-shirt from the vendour early on in the gig, and rather than hold the T-shirt in-hand all gig, I thought I'd nip to the bathroom, and get changed there. (Why I was too scared to strip off in public, I don't know).

Anyhoo, I went to the gents and opened the (only) cubicle there to be confronted by a gigantic mess of liquid-gel brown carnage hell. It was one of these toilets built into a unit, like a chest of drawers with a hole in it for shitting in. Not the best description I know...

But some bastard decided to shit all over it and smear it everywhere. I was almost sick in my mouth and escaped back to the dancefloor.

When I went to warn my friend Ian, he confessed that in the process of emptying his bowels, he was too scared to put his arse-cheeks ON the bowl - because 'people are disgusting and unhygienic'. And promptly unleashed at least 10 kilograms of molten brown plasma in at least seventeen directions.

It was him. My guest. I'm sorry Liquid Rooms and fans of Frank Black....
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 16:48, closed)

lovely descriptions
:-)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 17:54, closed)

"unleashed at least 10 kilograms of molten brown plasma in at least seventeen directions"
Love it
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 3:17, closed)

yurk
Never, NEVER, use the seat on a public toilet. You need to practice the hover method of crapping without touching any part of the pan at all.

Doesnt matter where the bog is located - every single bodily fluid you can imagine has been splattered all over that seat at some point, and by way of cleaning, it gets a half-assed wipe over by some minimum-wage type who is hardly interested in doing a good hygenic cleanup.

Maybe im just over-sensitive about this sort of thing? The first thing I do when moving into a new house/flat is to kick the bog seat off and fit a new one. The thought of hundreds of strange arses touching it before me, the brown stains of stale piss around the fixings for the hinges...... *shudders*
(dave likes cheese, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 21:33, closed)

I'm with you
Although I don't change the toilet seat, I just clean it with bleach until my hands hurt.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 22 Oct 2008, 10:33, closed)