My letter to the masters of the fox hunt
Greetings!

Forgive my intrusion M'lord but i request a few moments to share a few ideas of mine.

First of all. I don't think fox hunting is cruel enough. From what i've read a fox can be slaughtered in a time frame ranging from a matter of minutes to a few hours (and occasionaly days, if a wounded fox escapes your jolly chaps and retreats back to its habitat to die of painful infections and trauma induced from wounds endured upon the chase).

So first may I suggest you replace all your dogs with Komodo dragons, which are a superior species in every way and form. First of all their toxic bite is never meant to be instantly lethal. The toxin from the Varanus komodoensis has evolved to a stage were its prey will ONLY die over a period of days, due to the inherent bastadry of such a species. Then, still twitching you can satisfy your violent and sexual urges with the imagery of several huge lizards tearing a small mammal to pieces.

This means you can extend your hunt for quite a time and engage in what ever hanky panky you wish to choose alone in those woods with your men and horses. Just remember to get your servants to rustle up more sandwiches and oysters.

Secondly, those hats you were look utterly preposterous. They don't even look slightly menacing (except maybe to the terrified lone creature you are driving to exhaustion and agony), but to the common man - they make you look like uppity berks and are slightly, ever so slightly gay. And not in the jovial sense of the word either.

Perhaps i'm missing the point here, but i think you should all wear Spartan-esque helmets or at least smear yourselves in blood or take your tops off and show your battle scars. Sorry, i forget you'll probably have no scars as you are engaging in quite possibly the tamest hunt in the history of the human race.

Actually, to spice things up even more - I think there should be a kind of invisible lottery system were you don't actually know what prey you are hunting. One minute you could happily be pursuing a lone Vole for many miles before smashing it to pieces with your (new) tridents and maces. The next minute one of your lot, could be plucked randomly from his horse by some sort of giant Boa constricter or maybe your Komodo dragons would turn-table and gnaw you in the loins (probably sick of seeing your furious displays of upper class hanky-panky with your man-servants).

Sorry, i'm going off track here. Forgive me M'lurd. I will punish myself later, to avoid giving you the burden of wasting any further time on my peasantly soul.

Lastly, why do you only smear the foreheads of your children with a little bit of fox blood. I'm thinking some entrails would make real men out of them (even the girls).

So yes, keep up the good work. All of the UK are fucking proud of you, for ridding us of this terrible scourge of foxes that have been terrorising our fine isle since the days of ancient Babylon.

Remember - Komodo dragons, spartan-esque helmets, tridents and maces, and prey that might actually fight back to give you some manly scars that you can constantly show off to your fellows in the smoking lodge and on occasion your wife.

Keep up the impossibly good work.

x
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 15:11, 10 replies)

I may be reading between the lines here, but...
Are you opposed to fox hunting?
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 15:13, closed)

Probably the most surprising thing from TB's autobiog
is disowning the ban on fox-hunting. Isn't it enough that he defends New Labour's fuck-ups without him having to shit on the things they did right?

Oh, the second most surprising thing is the latent homoeroticism - read the bit about Mandelson sneaking through the back passages of castles (metaphorically) and attacking with hard thrusts of his rapier. Or of Gordon thinking Tony was an empty vessel to be filled (with ideas...)
( Pretender, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 15:27, closed)

Hmm....
*From what i've read a fox can be slaughtered in a time frame ranging from a matter of minutes to a few hours (and occasionaly days, if a wounded fox escapes your jolly chaps and retreats back to its habitat to die of painful infections and trauma induced from wounds endured upon the chase).*

Not sure what you've been reading but not only is there an approaching 0 chance of getting away if caught but a pack will rip a fox to shreds in a matter of seconds.

Love the Tridents and maces idea!

Not very Ninja like edit due to half the text vanishing for no apparent reason.
(Falco, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 15:29, closed)

"Yea, there were horses and a man on fire and I killed a guy with a trident."
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 17:50, closed)

Calm down, Swampy
You're coming over all class warrior again.
( Dervel OTBC, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 15:36, closed)

Have you ever followed a fox hunt?
I have. My parents are very anti-hunting & before the ban came in I wanted to see why they used to get so wound up about it so I went to a hunt one weekend.

To be honest I couldn't see what all the fuss is about - there are worse forms of animal cruelty allowed.

However I didn't agree with the ban as I thought it took up Parliamentary time that could have been used on more pressing matters and also as I have a tendency to disagree with imposing restrictions that impact on people's liberty to enjoy themselves (within moral limits obviously).
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 18:12, closed)

Oh, fuck off you pathetic twat.
You won, OK? People no longer hunt foxes with hounds and probably never will again -- why aren't you happy? Are you so much of an inverse-snob that you feel the need to have a go at something you don't understand just because someone other that you did it?
Bully for you for "caring about animals"! Shall I now go on to say that sheep and chickens killed by foxes are ripped apart or may die over days? Should I mention that, though I quite like foxes actually, they are cold-blooded killers and regularly torture other animals to death? Should I mention that foxes kill for fun as well as food?
I should also mention that the murdering cunts who banned fox hunting also brought out a new sport of "Muslim torturing" and "child killing" -- both of which I'm sure sit better with your friendly morals.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 20:07, closed)

actually, (although you have some valid points)
I think you'll find that they don't 'kill for fun' if for instance a fox were to get into a hen house and kill all the chickens if you haven't noticed already a foxes mouth isn't quite large enough to carry more than one away with it.

left to it's own devices it will return and take them away one at a time, unfortunately the owner of the hens will probably have removed them by the time the dog/vixen returns so people have the fallacy that they 'kill for fun' as you put it.

P.s. they are opportunistic and will take sick lambs but never a healthy sheep, they're a little out of a foxes size range. A wolf might though.
(Kip, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 11:43, closed)

I know I wasn't completely accurate.
But I felt I had to rant back, since I saw little point in the original post now that hunting foxes with hounds has been banned.
For the record I don't know if I think fox hunting with hounds should be legal or not -- but what I do know is that most people who wanted it banned seemed to do so because it was "what posh people did" and not because they had actually tried to understand the issue and came to the conclusion it was barbaric. I recall Mark Thomas, who I have some respect for even when I don't agree with his politics, saying that the fox hunting ban was great if only because it pissed off some "chinless posh twats" -- which just made him sound petty and childish to me.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 16:00, closed)

me?

(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 16:52, closed)