It happens to everyone
Let's get the really embarrassing confession out of the way first of all... I love a good McDonald's. My girlfriend is vegetarian and in the last year I've started jogging to try and shift the last of my man-gut, but I still can't resist a properly filthy Bic Mac. The sort of burger where you're sure barely 5% of it was ever alive, and all the better for it. Don't pretend you don't know exactly what I mean.

Returning from InFest the other day, my appetite finally started waking up after three days of being stomped on by massive drugs. When we pulled into the service station the first sign I saw was for Marks & Spencers. Thanks to the missus I'm quite partial to their stuffed vine leaves and other poncey wares, and was well up for easing my guts back into action in a luxurious manner.

Until I saw the Golden Arches looming in the distance like a glorious beacon of ill health and filthy living. Yes please mate, double cheeseburger, actually make it two, lovely, cheers. First meal in three days, gone in five minutes. Fuck yeah. This is how we do it.

I should really have seen my metabolism's revenge coming, and paced myself. The first rumble informed me that I would not be leaving Ronald's house with my dignity intact, but the lack of squelching clamed my nerves; I was only going to pass gas, not manure. Now, to pucker my flaps and attempt to emit an SBD... no! No, it's too late for such desperate measures! The toxins are on their way out! This would be an excellent time to panic!

Genius is oft born of seemingly impossible situations. I likened my masterstroke to Ultra Magnus' decision to perform an emergency separation of the Autobots' shuttle, allowing Galvatron to destroy the bulk of the vessel and throwing him off the scent. The music in here is pretty loud and surprisingly bangy, thought I. Just wait for the crescendo and... release! In perfect synchronicity with the beats! Yes! Beautifully done! Now, to rise gracefully from my seat and leave the other conoisseurs to enjoy my stenches.

...but why is everyone - EVERYONE - staring at me with such rampant disgust? And why is McDonald's in-house radio playing "Lying Sack of Shit" by Combichrist?

I'm listening to my iPod, aren't I

oh dear

RUN
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Sep 2010, 14:06, 14 replies)

Hahahahaha!
fail of the highest order, except in the making me officelol department :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 1 Sep 2010, 14:10, closed)

.
You should post that on facebook!
( Not Pineapple anymore, Wed 1 Sep 2010, 14:11, closed)

Superb!!
Well deserved click on it's way!
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Wed 1 Sep 2010, 14:16, closed)

I
like this
(Gertcha_cowson NAH MATE, Wed 1 Sep 2010, 14:20, closed)

iPood
Beyoodiful!
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 1 Sep 2010, 14:25, closed)

Nice work!
*clicks*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 1 Sep 2010, 14:33, closed)

proper loled at that
biscuit crumbs all over screen :-)
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Wed 1 Sep 2010, 14:52, closed)

Ho ho ho
excellent!
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 1 Sep 2010, 14:59, closed)

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha! WIN!

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 1 Sep 2010, 15:01, closed)

excellent!

(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Wed 1 Sep 2010, 15:54, closed)

Agreed. Once I ate six Big Macs in one go. Or, if I'm honest, bit into six, don't think I ate them all, I was wallowing in my own crapulence in some shitty little four-star in Jersey.

but I never enter the places themselves, always have them delivered. What? They wear baseball caps! Indoors! I may as well start wearing North Face and driving a Peugeot
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Wed 1 Sep 2010, 16:12, closed)

me and some old mates years ago
had a drunken 'how many big mac's can you eat' competition, I threw up on 5 (at the table) one of them managed 7.. Fucking 7!

Then again he was barred from the local 'all you can eat' Chinese for taking the piss and eating about the same as 4 people.
(Kip, Wed 1 Sep 2010, 16:29, closed)

In the immortal words of whoever wrote the appropriate bit of the Peep Show episode I'm thinking of,
"What? It's 'Eat as much as you can'!"

"No, it's 'Eat as much as you like'. There's no competitive element implied."

Genius
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Sep 2010, 16:35, closed)

ahah. ahahahah.
you utter tit.
i wouldn't be looking in disgust, i'd be pissing myself laughing
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 1 Sep 2010, 22:08, closed)

It seems everyone knew, so I'm not convinced it's a confessional
so here's a click for sheer lollitude!
( kila is reading clocks upside-down as usual, Wed 1 Sep 2010, 22:47, closed)

Haha!
Extremely well written, as usual! Just managed to restrain my office lol. Time for a McDonald's.
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 11:10, closed)