To be fair...
I'm kinda with Shambolic on this one (*shock horror*). I think you can reasonably expect to ask a question such as "do you have any kids?" without expecting someone to return with "I had 3 but they died and are buried in the garden".

I am sorry for your loss and all that, but if every time someone asked an innocuous question they got a 100% honest response would make life a bit awkward for everyone.

"Alright Dave, how are you?"

"My fucking dog died, my Nan's in hospital and my girlfriend says I'm shit in bed. ALRIGHT?!?!?!?"

Just saying like...

EDIT: Yes, I am aware that response is saved for when you're feeling less charitable, but I still think even saying we had 3 miscarriages and are waiting on IVF is more than someone could reasonably expect unless a close friend.
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Mon 16 May 2011, 9:52, 2 replies)

Ok scenario as close as I can think of it
Your mum has 2 kids, yourself (who is capable of attachment and feelings) and your sister. You both get on really well (ie no family feuds) but your sister unexpectedly died 18 months ago.
Every week people, in the normal course of conversation with strangers, look at you, make a judgment on your appearance or age, and ask you 'do you have any sisters?'
Do you say no, and let that person think you've grown up an only child, denying the existence of a person who had an impact on your life and the person you are now, or do you say 'yes', but allude to the fact that she is no longer here? (I know, depends how you are on the day and who the asking person is)

No right answers I guess, each to their own.
This is my own.
People look at me, in my mid-thirties, and make an assumption. If there is not a fucktrophy hanging off my tit, then no, I do not have kids. And I don't know the exact WHO stats for infertility (1 in 8 US couples) and much as I hate to concur with the Shamblyone, one in 4 (although according to my well-informed source, more likely to be 1 in 2 pregnancies will miscarry (although that is not 'official' stats, just from someone whose day-to-day dealings are on miscarriage). Its common but people often don't think and just blunder in.

I wouldn't swear in the delivery with a stranger. And it wouldn't come across as aggressive as your example. I reckon honesty is possible in most scenarios but like I said, its in the delivery. That said, I don't often get asked to go clothes-shopping with girls as I WILL say if something looks hideous
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Mon 16 May 2011, 11:28, closed)

Sorry for all the sadbits, you must have had a lot of tough times.

One question though - do you think that you'll feel the same way about the question if the IVF works out and you have kids?
( lucosade is counting down the minutes until, Mon 16 May 2011, 12:13, closed)

good question, I'm not sure
I have heard of people who do count the first losses as their kids and that question makes them also wonder what to reply with.
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Tue 17 May 2011, 6:29, closed)

Very true!

I hope taht IVF works out for you, and that you have some lovely kids and that this whole issue becomes easier for you.

Ignore the haters, while they're riled at the tone of your original message (was a little full on), i'm sure that if they had looked a little deeper, more would have laughed along with your (pretty dark) humour in the face of some painful memories.
( lucosade is counting down the minutes until, Tue 17 May 2011, 17:38, closed)

yeah, funny that its ok to 'not beat around the bush' in any replies to a post
but that 'not beating around the bush' irl is so frowned upon.
Gotta laugh, if you don't . . . the universe implodes(!)
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Thu 19 May 2011, 10:49, closed)

Asking people if they have children is not "blundering in".
It is a normal and well-intentioned conversation opener. Interpreting it as a personal slight and going on the attack is, in psychological jargon, completely fucking nuts.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:29, closed)

excuse my crap choice of words
somehow when I saw your comments and before realising your seriousness, I went on the defensive.
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Tue 17 May 2011, 6:30, closed)

covered yourself well there, an edit packed with conditionals...
simple as this: when asking a member of the public a question, unless the question is rhetorical then don't assume you know the answer before you ask.
golly, a society trapped into asking "questions" just to appear polite.
Wankers.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Mon 16 May 2011, 12:12, closed)

If you are having a conversation with someone you don't know, I fully expect that you never ask a single question and instead just talk constantly about yourself in a dull monotone.

But for people less stupid than you, asking questions about every day things is a way of getting a conversation going, and involving the other party, as it's a bit difficult to have a conversation on your own.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 May 2011, 12:59, closed)

even on my most autistic of days i engage with people in conversation and allsorts, isn't life amazing.
maybe it's just cos i actually care about people, or whatever, but when i ask a question in conversation or whenever, then it's because i want to hear the answer.
cos i'm interested.
why else?
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Mon 16 May 2011, 13:14, closed)

So if you were to ask somebody if they had any kids
you think it's perfectly reasonable for that person to deliberately try and make you uncomfortable by saying "No, I have no children, they are dead and we are having real problems conceiving"

Rather than just tempering it slightly to say "No" and then maybe steer the conversation away slightly.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 May 2011, 13:17, closed)

i wouldnt be surprised or shocked if that happened, the emotional strain involved is incredible.
it brings out all sorts of reactions, traumatised people do all sorts of crazy shit.
i wouldn't let it get in the way, though.
surely just because someone has been damaged by something horrible doesn't mean they're not entitled to be treat with a degree of normality?
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Mon 16 May 2011, 13:34, closed)

Bollocks.
If upwards of a third of couples, including me, can manage to cope with miscarriage without turning into obnoxious anti-social fucking mentals then why can't we expect this poster to manage it?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:05, closed)

I don't consider the op to be an obnoxious anti-social fucking mental.
Pots, kettles and blackness.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Mon 16 May 2011, 15:19, closed)

they are certainly leaning in that direction.
it's a perfectly reasonable question to be asked although in my experience one that is never required because people with kids are so fucking keen to tell everyone about them.

in fact, that's going to be my response in future
"do you have kids?"
"if I did you'd know about it, because I'd have bored the shit out of you about them by now"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:25, closed)

One of mine did a poo this morning.
Would you like me to describe it?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:30, closed)

naa, I'm good

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:34, closed)

HA! I'm going to describe it anyway because this is apparently the prerogative of parents.
[insert poo description with pictures and sound effects here]
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:38, closed)

SONOFABITCH

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:45, closed)

That was one of the sound effects.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:50, closed)

I hope this is true

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:55, closed)

This. Oh lordy this.

( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Mon 16 May 2011, 21:06, closed)

The first response in the OP is the usual response
I felt it concise, objective, and usually stops further talk of "don't leave it too lates" and "why nots".
Someone in that conversation is always going to feel uncomfortable, huh? And if its 10 seconds of awkwardness and a changed topic, so be it, better than me going home bawling my eyes out again because someone hasn't known when to leave it alone.
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Tue 17 May 2011, 6:34, closed)

Covered myself?
No, merely more acknowledged that response wasn't 'the usual' as pointed out by the OP.

I don't assume anything, nor do I force my life's tragedies on anyone who cares to ask "how's it going Galahad?"
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Mon 16 May 2011, 21:53, closed)