FIRE IN THE HOLE!
I rather foolishly once allowed my old housemate to cook for me one night, after having discussed my steak chorizo and lime chilli recipe (forthcoming)
this was the night before a festival.
you know when you can pinpoint exactly what's gone wrong with a recipe from look and taste?
having not watched him cook this, i can tell you with some certainty that his recipe was, as follows:

take pack of shitty cheap mince
add most of a container of hot chilli powder, one chopped white onion, a tin of cheap tomatoes, a tin of kidney beans and a small pinch of cumin. throw into a saucepan and cook over fierce heat until the bottom smoulders and welds itself to the pan.
serve to friend who is about to spend four days in a field with terrifying portaloos.

i managed to eat about 1/3 of a bowl before my eyelids were sweating so fiercely i couldn't see. i abandoned ship, claiming to be full (tact) and went and guzzled a pot of greek yoghurt. nothing. tried fresh fruit, banana, chocolate, milk, nothing would extinguish the flames. horrible horrible stuff. i retreated to my room whimpering, and after about half an hour, my innards started to make a noise like a dishwasher draining.

this was only the start.
seriously, my arsehole was like a fucking oxyacetylene lance for three days. forget shit through the eye of a needle, i could have melted the needle and the hand holding it. imagine that, but happening in the confines of portaloos in thirty degree heat, i'm sweating, tears in my eyes, clutching a woefully inadequate amount of cheap scratchy festival toilet paper, with mount fucking vesuvius blasting clods of molten magma out of my jacksie like a goddamn gatling cannon loaded with mace. the smell is indescribable, i actually exited a portaloo once, the person behind me stepped in, LEAPT out, caught up with me to call me a dirty bastard..
i have never forgiven him for the event. anything he ever cooks again, i look at with the same distrust i would give a hole in the road covered with corrugated iron if i was driving through afghanistan in an army jeep.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 13:41, 7 replies)

See?
Shit stories make everything better.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 14:36, closed)

it's the tenuous linking to cookery that makes it more of a challenge
variety ain't what it used to be
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 15:20, closed)

This
produced a sharp burst of cackling in a dry and empty office.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 14:42, closed)

thanks
i aim to please/horrify
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 15:21, closed)

this is a thing of beauty.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 15:21, closed)

im clicking it if noone else is

(Cov Boy, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 16:13, closed)

'my innards started to make a noise like a dishwasher draining'
click.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 22:57, closed)