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We're bored of beans on toast. Pretend you're on Pinterest and share your cooking tips and recipes. Can't cook? Don't let that stop you telling us about the disastrous shit you've made.

(, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 21:56)
Pages: Popular, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

Ham Sandwich
butter (margarine for povvos)
tomato (optional)
salad cream (optional)

nuf said
(, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 12:52, 8 replies)
Chips, cheese and soup.
Nuff said really.
(, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 12:51, 3 replies)
3x packs of bacon
Two frying pans and a mixture of sauces in a bowl for dipping. (ketchup, mustard, worcestershire, Tabasco, salt, pepper, brown sauce, squeeze of lemon.)

Dip and enjoy
(, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 10:52, 5 replies)
simple and filling.
You will need
Whole milk
Mushroom/onion/sweet pepper

Mix milk and egg
Slice and boil spuds.
Fry veggy bits with Chorizo
Add eggy mix and fry
Place under medium grill to set egg on top
Turn out onto plate and serve in slices, just like a fucking cake!

Eat the whole thing.
Maybe save some for tomorrow
Goes well with garlic mayo/chili mayo.
(, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 10:51, 5 replies)
An interesting combo
Home economics, Year 9 - we'd been set the challenge of cooking something traditional yet, because we'd been exploring texture, adding something with a very different texture to add to the eating experience. Or some bullshit.

Brains here totally forgot about the texture thing, so a matter of minutes before the class, I was rifling through my ingredients for cauliflower cheese and panicking - until I improvised with a handy little something I found in my locker.

Taking it home that night, I gleefully watched as mum warmed it up in the oven and both my parents tucked in with that false gusto reserved for patronising children's efforts even when you know it isn't going to be very good. That all changed rather quickly as both their faces changed to ones of confusion, terror and finally disgust. My dad was sick in the bin, while my mum spat hers back onto the plate.

Top tip - Cauliflower cheese with chocolate covered peanuts dropped in does not a good combo make.

Length? About 25 minutes at gas mark 6.
(, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 10:17, Reply)
pizza re-heated up in the george foreman
tastes nicer than it did the first time round.
(, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 9:50, 8 replies)
The Perfect Beer Batter
For fried fish, prawns or Mars Bars.
You'll need -

1 cup of corn flour (& I mean cornflour, none of this "wheaten" shit.)
A stubbie or can of good really cold drinkable beer - yeah I know it's waste but your crunchy buds will thank you later.
For friends of Bill or scarpe - use cold, fizzy mineral water (not soda or tonic water as it can be bitter EDIT: But without the yummy bitterness of a good beer).
Some oil for deep-frying. I use a mix of 1 part peanut to 2 parts canola/vegetable - the peanut oil can handle hotter temps and thus tempurars the oil. *sorry*
Heat the oil like you're Head Flame-Stoker in Hell - if you've added peanut oil, it'll take it.
Otherwise you'll have an oil fire on your stovetop, your house will burn down and you and your family will die from smoke inhalation.

Mix in a bowl adding the beer until you have a batter the consistency for crepes NOT piklets. In other words - runny not goopy. You can season/flavour it if you want too but I find adding a couple of halved chillies & whole peppercorns to the oil (ala cargoeng's suggestion) does the trick.

Coat whatever you're cooking in batter ensuring to let it drip a lot off - too much batter = stodgy lumps around food. Hence runny not goopy. If you are doing Mars Bars etc. - I'd advise at least semi-freezing them 1st otherwise you'll be deep frying chocolate & caramel, which ain't so good.

Chuck it *gently* in the oil and fry. Fish it out and put on paper towels when it's lemony/baby poo yellowy brown.

Enjoy, whilst it's still hot and crunchy - as the eczema ridden actress said to the bishop.
(, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 8:25, 4 replies)
Chilli Chocolate Mousse
Being a big fan of arse-stinging chillis and sexy dark chocolate, this is a match made in Satan's undercrackers!!
Melt dark choc' (80% cocoa, buy the cheap stuff from Lidl, no need for that pretentious Greens Organic pish) in a bowl over a pan of hot water, set aside.
Whisk eggs and sugar together in a bowl until thick.
Use a metal spoon (?) to fold in the chocolate goo with the eggy mixture. Go all Nigella on it's ass!!
Now here's the secret bit. The chilli flavouring comes from gently frying chopped chillis in some good vegetable oil, you are infusing the oil with the hit of chilli. In this respect you could use anything - Chocolate and onion mousse, chocolate and fried liver mousse, etc, etc. Remember, the more chillis used, the hotter the infused oil will be.
After the infused oil has cooled, slowly add to the choco, eggy mix, folding it in. Now add whipped cream, again fold it in.
Divide this mix into some posh wine glasses, and throw them in the fridge until set.
Garnish however you please, and eat.
You get this really rich, smooth, dark chocolate mousse, which melts in the mouth. Then your taste buds are violently assaulted by the heat of the chillis. Take more dark chocolate mousse to cool-down, ad-infinitum.

And that my friends, is how to break a cherry. I fank-you!!
(, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 3:10, Reply)
On the subject of heart disease...
Here's how to make a decent salad:

Take a head of lettuce, I don't give a fuck what kind. Anything green will do. Wash the living daylights out of it, then wash it again- the last thing you want is to have your healthy snack interrupted by vermin. Chop this into small chunks.

Take some tomatoes, green peppers, a red onion, some decent black olives (not the cheap ones, they are preserved with sulphur dioxide and taste like a prostitute's clunge) and some cheese. Give them all the same treatment. Don't wash the cheese, though. Unless you're neurotic, or retarded.

In a small bowl, or beer bottle, combine the following:
*1 cup olive oil
*1/3 cup balsamic vinegar
*a decent pinch of salt
*two grinds of black pepper
*a shake of Worcester sauce

Got that all in? Good. Open a bottle of wine/beer/pour a shot of Jagermeister/get some fucking alcohol ready. Drink.

Take the bowl/bottle of miscellaneous ingredients, and shake the fuck out of it. If you think it's ready, it isn't. When you have what approximates oil soup, put the bottle down and have another drink. Get your guests one, too.

Take all those lovely veggies that you previously washed, washed and chopped up and fling them in a large, beautiful bowl. Form your face into a Ramsay-esque sneer and dig your hands in, and Toss The Salad. Giggle to yourself. Then drizzle lashings of the dressing that you previously made over this mixture, top with the cheese and serve to your guests with the obligatory comedically-large fork and spoon.

Congratulations! You've just made a salad. Your arteries will thank you in the morning.

If you, like me, quail at the thought of a meatless meal, fear not. Simply follow these steps:

Take two chicken breasts and cut them into strips. Throw a decent amount of salt over them.

Get a pan Olivia Wilde hot (not Michelle Rodriguez hot; that is for beef). When iit's hot, throw your chicken strips in and (this is important, kids) DO NOT stir them for at least a minute. When you do stir (or flip them), they will be beautifully brown. Repeat for the raw side of the meat.

When they're ready, have another drink. Then grind some pepper over, and slide the meat onto your beautifully made salad. It's still mostly fat-free, and meaty too!

Ayethangy'all (slices open croissant and awaits flames of wrath)

NINJA EDIT (inspired by Edenmonster, see below): Don't use all the dressing. Just use enough to add flavour, and save the rest for future salads.
(, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 0:01, 11 replies)
Toasted breakfast pizza *very different from my last post*
Place flat bread (pitta, souvlaki, whatevs.) into cafe press toast thingy to tuffen it up.
Flip it over. Whack on some tomato paste or whatever sauce gives you a chubby.
Sprinkle with chilli flakes & some of that plastic the missus forces you to eat called low-fat mozz.
Top with whatever meat/veg you've got laying around - left-over roast coke-can chook and sweet potatoes is yumm as an example.
Sprinkle like Annie some jalepenos on top. Put lid of press down so it's floating not pressing down on food.
Cook until fake-cheese is bubbling and edges are crispy.
Eat the fuck out of that bad boy.
Have loo on hand as guaranteed to promote peristaltic movement. (Better than a strong cup of coffee I promise you!)
Alleviate hang-over with hairy-dog.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 23:32, Reply)
Pizza toasties
Chuck 2 slices of last night's pizza 1 on top of the other into your cafe press toastie thingy. Preferably different flavours - A Woodies Special with jalepenos and Veg. with bacon works well.
Toast until crispy.
Alleviate hangover with hairy-dog.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 23:17, Reply)
You will always have biscuits.
X weight of sugar
X weight of butter.
2X weight of flour.

Mix together to make a dough. Divide into balls and flatten.
Bake for 8 mins at about 180. Take out when still slightly squishy, they'll harden up if you leave them for 5 mins before eating them.

Possible additional ingredients:
porridge oats to replace some of the flour / choc chips / syrup to replace some of the sugar.

Now you will always have biscuits.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 23:08, 2 replies)
here's a recipe for the budgetary conscious
the beauty of this recipe, is that it's tasty (assuming you like beans, which I do), healthy (protein, carbs, fibre, low fat, and good vitamins depending on the veg), and can be varied, and is insanely cheap. Dry beans swell, doubling in weight. A 25 kg sack is enough for around 700 tortillas, if your're a 2 tortilla meal person, that is 350 meals (or enough for a year of dinners) at around 12p in beans and flour! I ate nothing but tortillas for six months, and always looked forward to them.

buy 25 kg sack of dry pinto beans for 38 pound
buy 1/2 kg of cumin for 5 quid
buy 10kg of plain flour as cheap as you can

Step 1. soak about 2 kg of the beans overnight, or about half the size of your biggest cooking pot. then simmer them for about 3 hours. chuck in some cumin, and garlic if you have some (also good are any type of pig fat, such as cheap pork bones from the butcher, or belly pork, which you take out at the end. but under no circumstances tell any vegans that you took this step. They'll just think your beans are tasty, and be none-the-wiser). get a bunch of free plastic bags from the veg section of the supermarket. put about a cup in each bag, double if you normally cook for two, and freeze.
Make some tortillas with a rolling pin, basically flour and water. put a later of clingfilm (or those bags you grabbed between each one, and freeze. I do about 10 at a time.

2) heat the tortilla in frypan without oil, or over the naked flame of the hob if you like a bit of a toasted finish.

3) heat a bag of the frozen beans in the microvave or a pan

4) put the beans in the tortilla.

5) throw in whatever veg you have eg. shredded lettuce, chopped tomato, brocolli. avocado is particularly nice for a treat.

you get better at making them, as you do with anything

(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 23:05, 3 replies)
Self saucing chocolate pud
60g butter
225g self raising flour
200g ordinary caster sugar
60g cocoa powder
180ml milk
2tsp vanilla extract
175g soft brown sugar

Melt the butter in a deep dish in the microwave.
Sift in the flour, caster sugar and just 25g of the cocoa powder.
Add milk and vanilla and mix it all together.

Sprinkle the soft brown sugar and the last of the cocoa powder on top.
Pour on 300ml of boiling water. DO NOT STIR.

Microwave on HIGH for 8 minutes. Leave to stand for 5 minutes and you will have a bowl of yummy chocolate pud with a lake of hot chocolate sauce underneath.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 23:00, 2 replies)
blended fish puree
it killed my relationship
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 22:59, Reply)
That is all...
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 22:13, Reply)
I used to be proud of my chili,
that mock Mexican ambrosia of ground beef, tomatoes, onions, beans and spices, and it was pretty good. When I was a lad I was making a big pot of it for my house mates, all the while telling them how good it was going to be. After letting it simmer for an hour I gave it a bit of a stir and noticed something odd. It took me a time to realize it was a tampon, because it was stained a pumpkin orange, from the string to the engorged fiber.
I dumped it all in the sink and packed up my stuff. I never forgave any of them, for no one would tell who the stupid turd was.
I didn't have much of a sense of humour back then.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 21:48, 2 replies)
Had my lunch at the canteen today, didn't bother cooking.

(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 21:31, Reply)
Gyros Pitta
A food source for pissed squaddies based over in Germany, Gyros is served in Greek takeaways and is basically marinated pork steaks cooked on a spit and served in a pitta with salad and tzatziki.
Eaten like a kebab the difference is that this is fucking lovely when eaten sober.

Tried making Gyros and chanced upon a recipe, unfortunately my marinade of red wine vinegar, pepper and oregano didn't go down to well. Even the dogs refused to eat it.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 19:14, Reply)
green hay chicken
possibly the most interesting way i ever saw a chicken cooked - so I had to try it. And yes, it has worked awesomely for me, repeatedly...

for this you need:

- a sense of how to proceed safely once you have totally read these instructions. If you are an idiot, stop reading now and stick to recipes involving tins of beans.
- 1 chicken (plucked, gutted, deheaded, declawed, etc - do not undertake with a live chicken, it will not work..)
- sufficient green thai curry paste to rub into the chicken, inside and out
- 1 wire coathanger
- 1 metal bucket with a small hole in the centre of the bottom
- 1 bale of hay (not too small, not too large)

1. rub chicken with green thai curry paste
2. straighten out wire coathanger and the use it to suspend chicken in the centre of the inside of the upside down metal bucket without the chicken touching the sides or ground.
3. place bucket on ground upside down with chicken suspended inside it.
4. cover bucket with bale of hay
5. light hay
6. stand back and wait patiently for hay to finish burning
7. carefully remove chicken from hot bucket
8. enjoy flash roasted green chicken !
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 16:57, 5 replies)
Repost: Move over, Heston!
During my dim-and-distant days working on a bar, I used to serve a regular whom I shall call J. To say that J was none too bright would be pushing it somewhat: he was a couple of photons short of dark. But he was friendly, and completely harmless, and so we plied him with Coke throughout the evenings until he wandered off somewhere.

J was a bullshitter in the classic sense. He was not a liar; he did not set out to distort or avoid the truth. It's just that he didn't care about the difference between truth and untruth; almost certainly, he didn't even know the difference between truth and untruth; and he very likely didn't care that he didn't know the difference between truth and untruth.

He existed in a wibbly-wobbly world of his own.

He knew that my day job was in a university, and told me that he had been to university. In his case, it was the University of Leek. That particular small Staffordshire Moorlands town may have all manner of things in its favour - but being the home of a seat of higher learning is not one of them. Nevertheless, he'd done at least two degrees at Leek University. One of them was in woodwork; he'd had to build a bird-table to earn that. (Fair enough: there are certain real universities where you don't have to do much more than that to get an MPhil... but I digress.)

His other degree was in cookery.

And my, oh my - what an innovative course that must have been, judging by the recipes he used to recite.

Let's take, for example, one of his recipes for dessert. What you need is some cream and some egg yolks. You beat the cream, add the yolks, and mix them together a bit. Then you add some lemonade. Et voila! Dessert!

To be fair to J, he did have some other dessert recipes in his repetoire. But they all involved - and were basically reducible to - cream and egg yolks.

And I'd hate to give the impression that desserts were all he could do. He could do main courses as well. One of them required that you take some egg yolks, and some cream, and mix them together. Then you add a black olive. Another was much the same, except that you need three black olives to make it.

I no longer work on that bar; but just sometimes, I wonder about J. I wonder whether he's killed himself with food poisoning (or blocked arteries) yet; whether he's killed anyone else. And if not, why isn't he presenting a cookery slot on daytime TV?
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 16:21, Reply)
I get the feeling most or All of these Answers
have been dreamt up in either of the following situations
1.3am after getting home via the beer taxi and realising theres no food
2.Opening the fridge and realising its 2pm youve had no breakfast/lunch yet, and all there is to cook is a jar of mayonaise, some rivitas, some stale bread, have a jar of nutella, half a knob of butter, past the use by date eggs, and some rice crispies, The local shop doesnt accept cards, the closest card machine is near tescos, in that rough area your not walking to, and you have 87p to your name.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 16:00, Reply)
Can I just shock you? I like wine.

(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 14:48, 9 replies)
I like cake

(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 14:20, 5 replies)
Black Pudding on Toast.
Fucking champion.

Makes the wife and kids retch when I cook it.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 13:50, 4 replies)
Fusion food recipe
1. Take one medium sized continent
2. Scrape clean of original inhabitants, as far as is possible
3. Stir together various rejects from the British court system
4. Cover fertile areas in wheat, sheep and cows
5. Leave for 150 years and allow to rise slowly
6. Add a blend of Italians & Greeks
7. Leave for another 20 years
8. Mix with more Vietnamese, Chinese and Lebanese
9. Leave for a further 20 years
10. Just before serving, sprinkle with Somalis and Afghanis
11. Consume
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 13:22, 10 replies)
Good Times.
Hi Cunts, trolls and honey’s (honey’s; lovely girls, with a goodly buxom girth, fun attitude and merriment abounding. Mmmm honey’s)

I fucking love cooking. Especially cooking for my mates. Fact.
(Dr. Shambolic; simple statement, not a constructive sentence, suck my uncut cheesy cock. Go ahead, release your impotent rage)

I shall regale you with tonight’s menu......

Back-story; 5 blokes, in a magnificent old heritage rental house in a far Western Qld town; been working together for years, one night together in a nice old house, cold night, fully refurbished with new kitchen, open fireplace with roaring fire, no spouses, brand new Ilve stove, ice cold beer.

Tomorrow we go forth to spend the next 3 weeks living in demountable accommodation, in “dry camps” , but tonight we enjoy good company, cold beer and a hefty meal cooked by one Mr. Oath..

But firstly, cooking needs music. If cooking with music doesn’t get your bones moving, you’re heart is truly fucking dead.

Tonight’s menu is simple; T bond steak, potatoes, mushrooms and snow peas. Perfect balance of bowel cancer inducing amounts of meat, carbs and greens.

The prep work: I use any pretty much any track from “Slade Alive” to season and oil steaks, peel potatoes, chop mushrooms, de-string beans. If you don’t know who Noddy Holder is, the use Google, or get a fucking life.

Next, Slade Alive may give way to a live rendition of “Dirty Love” by Motorhead as you toss chunked potato’s with olive oil, sea salt, cheap shitty Chinese garlic, rosemary and white pepper (only white pepper, black pepper is too harsh, and only serial masturbators in restaurants use black pepper) onto an oven tray.

Spread the spuds around a baking tray then bung them in a pre-heated oven. Motorhead may be substituted by Hunters and Collectors for the Australian’s, but I like to keep it real for my UK brethren. Also, I’ve had beers with Lemmy, so it seems like he’s here, man, when I play his music whilst cooking. He smells like bourbon and fags. Comforting.

So, halfway now, quick , quick have another beer, then mellow down the music, as you have to concentrate on cooking meat. Try “Gay Bar” by Electric Six. So soothing and relaxing. Chicks also think you’re really broad minded too.

By now a big, big fucking big frying pan should be pre-heated to searingly melting hot. The steaks should be room temperature, happily marinated in olive oil, sea salt and nothing else. Big fucking T Bones Steaks. Unbelievable an animal can grow so large. Oooh, so big. Gets me hard. So raw.

Lay the steaks into the searing hot pan.. Oooh so gentle. Such big clumsy steaks, they need all the help they can get. Sizzle sizzle. When they start to sweat on one side, turn them over, twist of salt. After a minute, remove from pan and stack onto a heated plate.
Next toss the chopped mushrooms into the pan to soak up the steak juices. Mushrooms also need a lot of butter, but of course you have pre-mashed a good teaspoon of chopped garlic into the butter. Smear the garlic butter onto the mushrooms as they fry. The pan juices mingle with the melting butter, as the mushrooms begin to soften. Then, just as the mushrooms become soft and pliable, add a dash of milk mixed with cornflour. Ooooh, magic. Mushrooms in thick gravy. Shake a dash of white pepper over the whole mix as Cold Chisel’s live rendition of “Baby’s On Fire” sooths your bones.

At this point, I think of Nigella. Plummy accent, huge tits hidden thighs. Another life. I also think Buzzcocks, or Peter and the Test Tube Babies.

As the mushrooms are bubbling in their wonderful gravy, quickly shlupp them onto each plate whilst hot, return the steaks to the pan to sop up the juices, then plunge the snow peas onto boiling water.
The spuds are done ,so quickly grab the tray from the oven, shake a handful onto each plate, and chuck the tray into the sink. Now retrieve the snow peas, 1 minute max in boiling water will do. Chuck them in a colander or sieve, run briefly them under cold tap water, shake dry like a pissy dick, and toss a few on each plate.

Lastly, as Creedence Clear Water Revival begins, grab a pair of tongs and place a steak on each plate.

Steak, spuds, mushrooms done in steaky-gravy and fresh crunchy show peas. Serve with beer and a maybe some David Bowie – it lends to the silence as everybody devours their dinner, even though he’s old and a bit dick-sucky. You’ll be surprised.

Crack a beer, toast all and sundry (and Nigella’s tits) absent loved ones, and eat.

For Dessert, I find that a remote controlled helicopter unleashed indoors will suffice, a coffee, a fag and outdoors to look at the stars.

Then, uncurl a massive shit and enjoy a good night’s sleep. for tomorrow purgatory begins.

Insert your own musical choices, but always cook with loud tunes, mates, happiness and whatever is to hand. It's good for the soul.

Cooking. Fucking love it.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 13:09, 16 replies)
A monster of a munch snack.

1 Packet of of your favourite flavoured Monster Munch
2 slices of bread
1 bottle of ketchup
1 block of cheddar

Start toasting bread with a grill or toaster (or matchstick/lighter/flame thrower if that's your thing).

Open crisp packet a little to allow air to escape and crush bag until crisps are now crumbs. Get ketchup and dump a dollop into an empty bowl, now empty contents of crisp packet on top of ketchup and mix together with a spoon. If you happen to live in The Matrix, use another implement like a fork or even your fingers.

Check bread is still toasting and not burning.

Get block of cheddar, cut to thickness that'll suit your needs or even grate cheese if that's what floats your boat.

Check bread, if suitably toasted then butter it up (optional) and slap on a nice layer of the crisp/ketchup mix. Slap under grill for about a minute then remove and add cheese. Slap under grill again until cheese is of meltyness that you like and remove.

Put onto plate, place second toasted piece of bread on top and squish down.

Consume toasted monster munch & cheese sarnie. Enjoy or be sick.

Each part of this meal can be easily substituted with something else. Instead of monster munch, try Frazzles or McCoys or even digestives and cream crackers. Any sauce can be used, brown, sweet chilli, marmite and even mayo if you forgo some of the toasting. Don't like cheddar, pick another cheese or even leave out if dairy isn't suitable for you. Rolls and baguettes can replace bread quite easily.

So, a snack that you will either like or loathe.

The choice.... is yours.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 12:58, 2 replies)
Student Surprise
Boil a big pan of rice (or pasta).

Fry up lots of vegetables, and some meat (if you can afford it - you're a student, remember?)

Near the end of cooking, add one extremely hot chilli to the frying pan, whole.

Chuck the fried stuff into the finished rice, mix, and serve.

Should then be divided into portions to serve 4. Three of whom will have a lovely, pleasant, only slightly spicy meal, and one of whom is about to spend fifteen minutes with their head under the tap. Dodging the chilli if it ends up in your portion is against the rules, obviously.

The even faster version involves 4 cheese and tomato toasties, one of which has a big dollop of English mustard and hot chilli sauce hidden in the centre. The maker of said sandwiches has to be the last to be able to pick, to ensure fairness.

Works most satisfyingly as a game if you don't really mind spicy food, and live with a bunch of people who really can't take it.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 12:30, Reply)
Lentil recipes
Lentil sick


Eat the lentils
Stick fingers down throat

yeah well I thought the Young Ones were funny...
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 10:54, Reply)

This question is now closed.

Pages: Popular, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1