one night stunned
also a pearoast, but bite me.

when i was about 13, i was the owner of the flattest chest in the west, to say nothing of a bit of a belly and a haircut that made me look like a raisin. i was also really fed up with being virtually the last one of my friends who had yet to snog anyone.

so one friday night, i went to stay with my friend petra up in buxton. petra was only 14, but she had been out with several boys already, and had actually seen a penis. that wasn't her dad's or her brother's. although it was buxton, so actually they were probably all related. anyway.

we got obscenely drunk on thunderbird and went staggering around the town on a serious mission to get snogged. my virginal lips were puckered with desperation as pub after pub yielded only old men playing darts. then, in the eagle, we struck gold. or so we thought. a gang of kiwi rugby players, who immediately bought us a drink. 5 minutes later, i was snogging "dave" and petra was snogging "nigel".

the next thing i remember, dave and i were following petra and nigel to their b&b. i didn't want to go, but i couldn't go back to petra's without her. my indecision must have shown on my face, as dave looked down into my eyes, and said tenderly:

"oi nigel, this is bollocks mate, we ain't getting any out of these two."

nigel, however, was keen, and before i knew it, i was falling into a dark bedroom. i collapsed onto one of the twin beds, and could hear petra moaning like a porn star before my arse had hit the mattress. "dave" sat on the opposite bed and looked at me.

"i-i-i'm not going to have sex with you," i proclaimed.

"alright. but what are you going to do for me?" he replied, sliding over to me. he ran a hand over the creamy swell of my cleavage, realised it was all wonderbra, and looked at me again.

"how old are you?" he asked.

"13," i said tremulously. he carried on staring at me. for a moment, i thought he was going to laugh, or throw me out. then, as we heard the headboard going at it in the next room, he let out a long low moan.

"13? fuck me, say that again," he groaned. then, "so have you ever given anyone a blowjob before? had an orgasm before? oh yeah, keep looking at me like that..."

what, with thunderbird and disbelief?! two minutes later, i found myself flat on my back, sexy lumberjack shirt (why were they ever fashionable for girls?!) and wonderbra discarded on the floor, pushing my non existent breasts into a titwank, and having to pant breathily, "i'm 13, i'm only 13" and being given blow job lessons until my mouth was filled with horrid warm salty stuff . i pulled away in a panic, and it went in my eye. spunk in the eye hurts like a bitch.

i was still drunk enough for it to seem funny rather than disturbing when petra finally stopped squealing and agreed to head home. however, her mother was blazing mad when we staggered in hammered at 4am, and made us go to church in the morning as a punishment. sobering up under the beady eye of the vicar, i was struck by three things:

1 he was 34, still older than i am now, 18 years on. "i'm 13, i'm only 13" ? dirty fucking bastard!

2 the kiwi accent lasted as long as the clothes. turned out they were from ipswich, or so nigel told petra.

3 i had a hair in my teeth.

other than that, though, i don't think age matters a flying fuck. some people are older at 16 than others will be at 61!

apologies for length, but i'm only 13.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 23:54, 14 replies)

Virginal lips.
Cheers for that.

*sigh*
(DeactivateThisDisaster No., Thu 4 Dec 2008, 23:57, closed)

ha
see, "virginal cock" just doesn't have the same effect on women.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 0:00, closed)

HA!
You are Frank Spencer and I claim my luncheon voucher.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 1:06, closed)

i wish!
i love teh frank!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 9:20, closed)

Ah Buxton
I was a Bakewell lad, Buxton was the thriving metropolis. It's still just as bad I'm afraid.
(paxvobiscum, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 7:21, closed)

ah, the gaslight!
mmmm. sticky floors.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 9:21, closed)

That's horrible
I genuinely feel sorry for you- what a bastard...

:(
(British Steel was participating in awesomeness on, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 7:22, closed)

thanks!!
without trying to throw it back in your face, though, it didn't do me any lasting damage (well, other than with my friend's mum!). the thing that stuck with me was when he said, "you're a very pretty girl and you're lucky i'm a very nice guy. the next one might rape you if you go back to his hotel room with him."

which was something of a misplaced concern, coming after the "tell me how old you are again" shit, but it was a good point!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 9:20, closed)

no...
a very nice guy would say 'WTF are you doing getting hammered and trawling through bars for blokes, aged 13? I'm calling a cab to take you home.'
(Stu Moo winner of five nobble piece prizes, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 10:33, closed)

eek!
I don't know whether to laugh or be horrified...I'll settle for horrified laughter.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 10:14, closed)

Jesus! I was still playing with dolls at 13.
And I was absolutely in no rush to see anyone's penis.

You did well to not let if affect you. I'd have been in counselling for years.
( girlinthehole, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 10:16, closed)

i was a bit grimmed out
with myself!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 11:16, closed)

What a twunt...
He sounds like an actual paedophile/rapist, not surprised you were bummed about it.

Re spunk in the eye, I haven't suffered it yet but somehow my boyfriend did the other night! Go me!
(littlelise - domestically challenged, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 13:37, closed)

Only you
could turn serious sexual crimes into a light-hearted anecdote, swipe.

Unfortunately I can't bring myself to click it though, purely on principle. I'm a dirty bugger myself, but this tale makes me feel a strange new emotion. I can't quite articulate it, but I feel compelled to write a letter to the Daily Mail about my feelings. Sorry :-s
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 10 Dec 2008, 0:58, closed)