Nooo...noooooooo.....
I shouldn't have done this.

You see, as many of you know, I am of the medical persuasion. Which means that my job is relatively secure, as people are always going to do damn fucking stupid things. I own my own house, and can even afford the mortgage payments on it with no major hardships.

I bought my house in Worcestershire 3 years ago. Nothing to worry about. Prices are relatively stable and I don't plan to move anytime soon, so any negative equity problems are not going to bother me. I bought my house from a bloke who called himself a film director. Ohhh no. Only after 3 weeks living there did I realise what kind of filming he did. Twas the filming of educational videos for the discerning gentleman. And judging by the monster that turned up on my doorstep that fateful morning, extremely discerning gentlemen.

"Hello," the hippocrocodogapig rumbled. "OI'm 'ere to see Pervy McBlowjob* for some work."

"Oh" I stammered. "Um...what kind of work are we talking about?"

"You know." she said. "Porn and such."

"Ah" I said, my mind quickly doing a restart, and confiriming my homosexuality to me in no uncertain terms. "I think there's been some kind of mistake. Mr McBlowjob moved out 3 weeks ago. I'm the new owner."

"Ohh..." the she beast pondered. "So are you in the grot industry then?"

"Noooo...no,nonononono." I hastily confirmed. "I have nothing to do with that kind of thing. I'm afraid I think your trip has been for nothing."

"What if Oi flicked meself off?"

"Noo" I shuddered, holding back the urge to vomit. "You don't understand. I am NOT interested."

"Oi've got a sister. She could loike lick me rustoy sherrif's badge whilst you play with me tits."

"No, look love. Stop with this. You don't get it. I am not interested. I cannot help you. I am not going to film some incestuous anal play between two pseudo-lesbian hippos."

At this stage, the walrus on my doorstep bursts into tears. We're not talking petite lady-tears here, we're going for full on blubbering with optional left nostril bogey bungying in and out on each breath. "But, but, Oi need the monnoy to pay for the kids. Ployse. O'ill do anythoing....."

"Listen" I said "I can't do anything. I am not, nor have I ever been, a director, producer or editor of grumbleflicks. And if I were, my preferred brand still wouldn't involve you, love."

"Ploysssseee"

This went on for some time, and that, boys and girls, was my introduction to some




Thick Redditch Raunch.






*may not have been his real name.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Sat 24 Jan 2009, 8:40, 9 replies)

Ach!
For just a moment, you had me believing you. Well done, sir!
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sat 24 Jan 2009, 9:03, closed)

Argh!
I blame this one on the fact I've only just woken up.
( MatJ LOOK, Sat 24 Jan 2009, 10:45, closed)

Nice punnage
I'll take the week off and bask in admiration.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Sat 24 Jan 2009, 14:12, closed)

*spangs*

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sat 24 Jan 2009, 16:37, closed)

Nice one!
I'm not one for mixed messages usually. I like the accent-mocking spelling of "Ploysssseee" and the pun is awesome.

Unfortunately you also need a spang for both.

*click*
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sat 24 Jan 2009, 17:29, closed)

Oh Christ...
I did not see that coming.

At all.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sat 24 Jan 2009, 20:02, closed)

Argh you fucker
I was so sure no-one would manage a pun answer. *click*, you magnificent bastard.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 25 Jan 2009, 23:34, closed)

Redditch
*Shudders*

Lived there for a year. Interesting in a way...
(amsterdam_neild, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:00, closed)

yes...
..in the same way that having your toenails pulled out by a russian lesbian with a pair of rusty pliers is interesting...
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Tue 27 Jan 2009, 21:15, closed)