Candle Woman
I had many fun experiences at my old workplace. This one involved a very nice lady who wanted to buy some candles. This was at about 6.45pm and we closed at seven.

She grabbed about ten candles, paid promptly and left. We were getting ready to close and basically not doing any more work because we couldn't be bothered when this woman appeared frantic and extremely angry.

In her hand, she was clutching the ten candles all of which were either split in two or looked pretty chewed up.

I asked her what the matter was and if she was okay? To which she replied, "No, I'm fucking not, these fucking candles are fucking faulty."

It's pretty hard to find a faulty candle. They are a wick surrounded by wax, which you then light.

Anyway, she continued through gritted teeth,
"I went back to the pub where I am having a party for my daughter. I put these candles onto the candelabra and they have split in half!!!"

At this point I wondered why the merry fuck she had split ALL of them. Why didn't she stop after the first?

"I want my money back!!!"

This was going to be tricky. A customer can't really have a refund if they openly admit to destroying the goods...

I explained that we do sell candles that are designed to put on spikes, but they weren't the ones.

"I want my fucking money back!!!"

I used a line I reserved only for the biggest idiots. "Please will you leave."

"You jumped up prick" was the screamed response.

I walked to the door and held it open. "Get out please"

"You bunch of fuc...." and she had gone.

We laughed our heads off and generally agreed that had she pulled the right faces and admitted her mistake, we probably would have given her some free replacements.

Then, just as the lights went off and we had our coats on, a face appeared at the door and an angry wax coated hand started banging on the glass. "I want some fucking candles!!!!!"

I envy the woman. If this is her idea of a total crisis, her life must be a piece of piss...

Next time readers - the man who I asked to leave because he was blatantly shoplifting who replied, "You'll have to kill me first."
(mrwheels, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 11:16, 5 replies)

The man mentioned at the end
sounds fairly badass. Is his story hellish, or amusing?
(Tyraen, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 18:39, closed)

hahaha, interesting man
please dont keep us in suspense.
(Brumdee, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 19:43, closed)

Man mentioned at the end...
Well this guy came in smelling like what I imagine a landfill smells like.

He went over to a display of properly overpriced glassware and started putting glasses into his pocket. (I don't think you need crystal classes to drink cans of special)

I went over and told him that I had seen him stealing things and that he had better leave or I would call the police, which is when he said "You'll have to kill me first". So I said, "Well I reckon I'll just call the police." and he replied "Call the fucking police."

So I went behind the counter and pressed the panic button (something I hadn't done before, but was told I should if no one was around to help) at which point the building alarm went off at a pretty high volume. He pretended not to care, but I think he was pretty pissed off.

After about 3 minutes (that seemed like eight weeks) the police walked in, I pointed at him. They dragged him out because he resisted. One of them walked back in with 2 glasses and put them back on the table.

They got him in the police car and drove off. Unfortunately the music in the shop had now gone off as had the alarm. The polite people of Islington pretended to shop as if nothing had happened in a pretty crushing silence.... eek.
(mrwheels, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 21:17, closed)

Fucking candles?
Here you go:

www.chocolatefantasies.com/peniscandles.htm
(ubergeekian, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 10:20, closed)

Shoplifters
My favourite one was the guy who claimed he was only trying the books out to see if they fitted in his bag, aye right. He came back an hour later knocking on the locked door (after closing time) to get let back in so I wrote '5uck off' on a bit of card and waved that at him through the window, didn't see him again.
(Benzyl, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 21:56, closed)