The Phone
I work in an IT office, nothing exciting and the job role plays no relevance to this tale and on one particular occasion I had been sent out to a client site for 6 months, I had a nice new desk and much to the amusement of the client employees I was give The Phone (yes the capitals are necessary).

The Phone as is common in offices had it’s own direct dial external number, The Phone due to an unfortunate lacking in luck had a direct dial number that was almost exactly the same as the Manchester United official kit hotline with the only difference being a simple transposing of the last two digits, as the new keeper of The Phone it was up to me to field all the inevitable calls and I couldn’t just unplug it and ignore it as I never knew when my boss would be phoning up to check on how things were going at the client site, oh how I grew to love The Phone.

Pretty much every single day was punctuated by a call from an irate Man U fan thinking that it was my fault that I couldn’t supply them with the latest shirt, not once did anyone apologise for dialling the wrong number and disturbing my day at work, one of the better occasions went as follows:

*Ring ring*

Me - Sigh

*Ring ring*

Client – (Laughing) You’d better answer The Phone, it might be your boss.

*Ring ring*

Me- Sigh

*Ring ring*

Me – Hello Bloggs and Co, Me speaking.

ManU Fan - I want to order a kit (no hello, no please, no questioning the company name, just straight to business)

Me – I am sorry (why am I sorry, it is your fault but I am at least polite) this is not the Man U kit hotline, this is Bloggs and Co and you have dialled the wrong number.

ManU Fan – No I haven’t I dialled the number in the latest magazine so it must be right now I want to order a new kit.

Me – I don’t doubt that the number in the latest magazine is correct however I believe you have dialled it incorrectly and have come through to the wrong place.

ManU Fan – I have not got it wrong now will you take my order.

Me – I am afraid I can not process your order as I do not work for nor am I affiliated in any way with Man U, this is Bloggs and Co and this number is xxxx78 and the number you require is xxxx87

ManU Fan – Yes I know that is the number I require, that is what I dialled so it must be right and I want to order a new kit.

Me – I work for Bloggs and Co and I can not process your order and I suggest you redial the number in your magazine and you will then get to order the kit you desire.

ManU Fan - *Click*

Me – Geez that one didn’t want to give up, what a *ring ring*

Me – Sigh, Hello Bloggs and Co, Me speaking.

ManU Fan - I want to order a kit.

Me – I am sorry this is not the Man U kit hotline, this is Bloggs and Co and you have dialled the wrong number.

ManU Fan – No I haven’t I dialled the number in the latest magazine so it must be right now I want to order a new kit.

Me (Realising this is the same person again) – I was just speaking to you before and this is still not the ManU kit hotline, please try redialling the number in the magazine.

ManU Fan – I just redialled it so it must be right.

Me – I am afraid you have still come through to the wrong company, you need to redial the number in your magazine and take care with the last two digits.

ManU Fan – *Click*

Me – What a genius we have on the phone today, he’s a real *ring ring*

Me – Sigh, Hello Bloggs and Co, Me speaking.

ManU Fan - I want to order a kit.

Me – This is still the wrong number, please try dialling xxxx87 very carefully.

ManU Fan – It’s not the wrong number, the magazine says xxxx87.

Me – Yes I know, but you have dialled xxxx78, please redial more carefully.

ManU Fan – *Click*

Me – I just know what’s going to happen next *Ring ring*

Me – Sigh, Hello Bloggs and Co, Me speaking.

ManU Fan - I want to order a kit.

Me – When I tell you to redial the correct number are you actually re-typing the number or are you just pressing the redial button.

ManU Fan - I am pressing the redial button.

Me – I suggest you type the number in again and please make sure you take care with the last two digits.

ManU Fan - *Click*

Silence is golden.

Day after day after day it went on like this and somehow it was always my fault, I deeply regret being on client site because had I not needed to be all professional and impress the client I would have happily taken all their personal and credit card details and ordered them all the most expensive Chelsea kit I could manage, they would have loved that.
(LexLexington Feels the need, the need for a speedy cup of tea, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 15:25, 10 replies)

this
is excellent

people are stupid, especially ones who buy football kits

*clicks*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 15:29, closed)

shame you haven't done it
it would be the funniest thing EVAR!
(firestormviper!!1 approaching god through cigarettes, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 15:32, closed)

Inspired
*clicks* like the ManU fan
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 15:42, closed)

Typical Man Utd fan
thick as shit!!

Have a click for having to suffer arseholes like that.
( Stu71 ....bad money dies, I love the scene, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 15:42, closed)

When I lived in a rented house
a few years back, the phone number was one digit different to a big city centre Taxi company.

It was not bad during the week, only one or two calls a day.

The weekend though ... as people got more and more pissed and sausage fingered, the more calls I would get. from 11pm until 3am Friday and Saturday I would get about 20 calls from pissheads after a taxi to either take them out or take them home.

I was'nt too bothered as I was usually awake anyway (or out myself) but it did annoy me for a few weeks until I found the solution.

Instead of calling them a sausage fingered cunt and hanging up I just asked where they were and told them "no problem Mr X, your taxi is on the way, wait outside and it should be there in 20 minutes."

It didn't reduce the frequencey of calls, but it cracked me up everytime thinking of those poor cold pissheads waiting out in the cold for their non existant taxi.
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 16:19, closed)

In the same vein
My phone number has all the digits but one in common with the main number for Wakefield Girls' High School, so I've often come home from work to find an odd message on my answering machine. Sadly, however, I was out on the town one Friday night, so wasn't home to get the call from the Very Important Religious Person who lives across the street from the school, and bellowed at my answering machine "I'm the Dean of Wakefield Cathedral, and I DEMAND a call first thing on Monday morning to explain why I can still hear disco music coming from the school at ONE MINUTE PAST ELEVEN on Friday night!".

Needless to say, no call would have been forthcoming, but I wish I'd been at home to take the call - the phrase "I don't care if you're the fucking Pope" might well have been expressed.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 17:07, closed)

More of the same
Growing up the last digit of our home phone number was one lower than that of the AA's emergency line (Automobile Association, not Alcoholics Anonymous .. .. .. why did you think that?). Being the old style of rotary dial phones this meant that many many people called us at all hours from the side of motorways because their car had broken down.. .. .. .. it took over a year of 'investigation' by BT before they'd change our number.

Being just a young ff at the time I didn't have the balls to take their details, although the thought did cross my mind the night that the phone didn't stop ringing from midnight to 4am.
(manwiddicombe is thinking of something witty to add here, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 17:56, closed)

no
My friends office number is perilously close to the Transport for London customer helpline. Quite a few people have been told to 'Change at Baker Street' or 'Go to Mudchute via Cockfosters'

(clarification)
www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Change+at+Baker+Street
(Pickettywitchfinder General, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 11:03, closed)

My phone number
is one digit off the headquarters of the local mimes' guild. It hasn't bothered me at all.
(sfaiku, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 16:23, closed)

Football fans
Just tell them if they dash round that day everything is half price, you might find THEY change their number quite quickly and save you the bother.
(Benzyl, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 19:44, closed)