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This is a question The Dark

17,000 writes: Everything bad happens in the dark. Tell us your stories of noises and bumps in the night, power cuts, blindfolds and cinema fumbling.

(, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 15:49)
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Ooh, me! Me! Me!
Night is great for sleeping, with the smothering darkness cradling my admittedly generally strange dreams, though on the whole I enjoy them.

I was dreaming of something strange - I had my long hair back and it kept falling in my mouth, not disappearing like it normally would do or staying in one place so I could pick the stray end out, but almost tickling; every time I stopped it it would start again in another spot like an irritating itch.

Despite my attempts to stop this happening, it persisted until the point I started to drowsily awake to the growing realisation that this sensation was not only very annoying, but very probably real - holy shit - Real(?), no.....yes....no....yes. YES.

There is something in the real world that is IN MY MOUTH.

I'm in the generally accepted safest place in the world (in bed, under the covers, you know I'm right) I'm sleepily confused, can't see a thing, and there is definitely MOTHERFUCKING SOMETHING IN MY MOUTH! I can't spit it out, as I've tried that, I think, in my sleep(?), so I need the light on which is not that close and I do not know what is in my mouth, my room, or right now -my reality!

So I freak out. Spitting, spluttering, and scrambling for the lamp switch as I fall out of bed all the while bracing for the pain from a blow or the touch from something of which I am not sure. I find the switch and flick it -the light instantly blinds me but I am not yet in pain and I think the feeling has stopped but I'm not taking any chances. I roll off the floor and back into bed, sitting with my back to the wall trying to calm down while I work out what the hell is going on.

I have the hair on my fingertip where I plucked it out, but as my eyes begin to adjust I can make out a shape spasming lying next to me that doesn't make things better - what the hell is th... oh no, please no!

Lying next to me in bed is the partially dismembered (presumed eaten) body of a fucking daddy-long-legs spider, trying to crawl off down the side of the bed which, given that it only has three legs left it is doing rather unsuccessfully. Now I don't particularly like spiders at the best of times, so it's pretty obvious that fucker's dead. The 'hair' on my finger is a leg, I can find no more, though they aren't the biggest things in the world I'm pretty sure their absence means I've lived up to the rumour and been abruptly woken by trying to eat a spider too big to eat, in my sleep. Fuck.

Needless to say it took me a while to get back to sleep that night. :)

Edit: Thanks for the comments guys, looks like you all are feeling like I did -horrible isn't it?!
(, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 21:19, 20 replies)
Is my worst nightmare. Have a sympathy click...INSECT EATER!
(, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 21:26, closed)
Mwah hahahahaha!
Well, it would be an evil laugh if it wasn't for the fact that - 3 years later I still get flashbacks now and then and have a secret inside shudder.......before vacuuming under the bed and checking the room again, just in case... :(
(, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 23:09, closed)
Bleaurgh. Ptooie. Mneehhhh.

I have no actual words :(
(, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 23:20, closed)
ewwww ewwww
(, Fri 24 Jul 2009, 2:19, closed)
(, Fri 24 Jul 2009, 3:23, closed)
That's fucking horrid!
Jesus Christ, you could have put a "Not safe for aracnophobes" up at the top or something!
(, Fri 24 Jul 2009, 7:41, closed)
where would be the fun in that?
(, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 0:48, closed)
(, Fri 24 Jul 2009, 9:44, closed)
I've never read something on b3ta
that has actively made me retch. Until now.
Thanks for that.
(, Fri 24 Jul 2009, 10:11, closed)
definitely not my pleasure! :)
(, Fri 24 Jul 2009, 11:52, closed)
Poor bastard. I hope it survived with it's 3 legs.
(, Fri 24 Jul 2009, 11:43, closed)
It died. Then it died again. Then I revived it so I could kill it again. :)
(, Fri 24 Jul 2009, 11:53, closed)
It's not really a spider though, is it?
Just a big flying insect.

And I'd rather eat it like that than eat its larval stage.
(, Fri 24 Jul 2009, 12:06, closed)
Not a flying insect..
You're thinking of the Crane Fly, I think.
To be fair though, They are all pretty vile.
(, Fri 24 Jul 2009, 13:55, closed)
I'm with you on that one...
but it was the spider type rather than what I call a daddy long legs.
Like this: - www.pollsb.com/photos/o/27400-daddy_long_legs.jpg
(, Fri 24 Jul 2009, 14:37, closed)
You've just brought back a horrifying memory for me!

A few years back, the bath at my parents house was blocked, and we needed to empty it so it could get fixed. However, not for us the old "fill mug, empty mug" bailing method! No, because I know how to put together a siphon! It would be put together quickly, and then I could get back to my book whilst the siphon did its magic, flowing into a bucket on the floor, instead of bailing water mugful by tedious mugful.

Now, what could I use for the siphon? I know! That short length of old hose that's been sitting in the garage for a while. You can see where this is going, can't you?

I got the hose, stuck one end in the bath, and (because water needs to be in the hose before the other end is put in water in the sink) put the other end to my lips and sucked. There was a weird scrabbling feeling at my lips, which I then felt on my tongue and against the roof of my mouth. I jumped a mile whilst trying to scream, spit and disengage my tongue all at the same time, and watched as a large black spider fell onto the bathroom floor and legged it.

Then I was sick.

I have never made a siphon again.
(, Fri 24 Jul 2009, 15:00, closed)
Argh! It's the weirdest feeling isn't it? Stayed with me for a long time that night!!!
(, Fri 24 Jul 2009, 15:28, closed)
It didn't get in my mouth

...but I had a moth land on my face in the dark last week. That was a horrible experience.
(, Fri 24 Jul 2009, 15:36, closed)
I've got a video of one of my best friends hoovering up a spider with his mouth. According to him it tasted like lemon. The thing was about the size of an old fifty pence piece...
(, Mon 27 Jul 2009, 18:41, closed)
That reminds me
Bill Bryson writing about meeting an Australian ranger and talking about edible insects. One of them was a large moth.

"I hear it tastes of lemon", I said.

The ranger considered for a moment. "Nah", he said, "It tastes of moth".

Somehow that seems so descriptive.
(, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 9:33, closed)

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