My top wank fantasies - if you need material
1) A parade of lovelies (whether Page 3 stunnas or girls from class) line up to fondle your boner through a hatch. They don't know who you are, but they all have a tug. Kylie traditionally brings me off.
2) Your girlfriend become the mascot of a rugby/football team and has to wear a demeaning micro skirt and tight top. One day you arive early to collect her after a match and observe her enthusiastically servicing the whole team. They invite you in to have a go, not realising who you are and she does you too.
3) For one night only, your girlfriend agrees to be a prostitute (with fit men only, of course) and with the proviso that she can't choose what she does. Rather, the punters roll a dice and she has to perform 1) a hand job, 2) a BJ, 3) messy facial, 4) straight sex in any position, 5) anal, 6) two guys and they both get to roll a dice.
4) You are enlisted as a sex coach for an almost illegally young sexpot and go through a week of escalating porn (see earlier post).
5) Historical - your girlfriend or object of lust is the personal sex slave of an oriental pasha, and is expected to provide top-of-the-line action for any visiting dignitaries. One day, you are at court and witness her in action.
6) Similar to 3 above, you join a club in which the men are allowed to go to a sex party on condition that their other halves provide the action for all. The girls wear colour-coded bikinis delinating what service they provide: red (hand jobs), gold (BJ), white (bukkake) etc etc. Naked girls do it all. Oh, and to be part of the club, the girls have to promise they'll complete every level.
7) There's a hot waitress at your local bar. She is primed to offer a variety of sexual favours if a codeword is spoken. For example, if you say "on the rocks" she is obliged to suck you off. Your job is to guess the words and get a complete service. One of the keywords results in her doing everyone.

That's a few to be going on with - and example enough of how desperate I am that I still continue to think these things up even though I'm married and get regular sex.
(frankspencer, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 15:42, 14 replies)

"Kylie traditionally brings me off"
Always one for tradition.


_{now wash your hands .... mind}


ed: PS. are you a pimp?
(jmaxi returned again on, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 15:45, closed)

touche frank...
yet again you excel. i too am married and get regular sex, but still engage in the odd five knuckle shuffle to the fantasy of option 1). somehow ladies/girls from school/uni/work always have the element of danger. perhaps its the attainability factor and because you fantasise about them that night, then the very next day you are talking to them, and whilst talking you think to yourself 'i wonder what she would say if i told her i tossed off over her last night?'. never have the guts to say it though. probably get the sack for sexual harrassment.
(CaptainFellatioNelson is trying to kill me, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 15:53, closed)

Married, and getting regular sex you say?
Does the wife know?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 16 Nov 2007, 15:57, closed)

Your hand doesn't count as regular sex
;)

My fantasies aren't anything like that, *at all*.

(still, at least you have a partner. The most available person I have for hot sexytime action is currently in another country)
(EssY, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 16:06, closed)

I cant believe you dont spank the monkey to this one...
(-) Jo Brand is a low-rent exotic dancer. She is wearing a silver bikini, and wobbling her gunt at you with both hands. She is smothered in baby oil and keeps using the C word as you pound her snatch until it visibly glows in the half-light.
(Vic Flange, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 16:07, closed)

Lunar Jim
You stole that off Shakespeare, admit it.
(frankspencer, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 16:10, closed)

I dont know about that..
.. but it got me through a particularly tricky interview at the department of immigration.
I got the job too, despite emptying my pods on the manager's velour upholstry..
(Vic Flange, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 16:11, closed)

reverend fist
no she is blissfully unaware. most of the time she's sleeing when i slide it in. its so small she doesnt notice and ive usually achieved 'explosion liquid' by the third stroke. s'all good in the hood' as they say
(CaptainFellatioNelson is trying to kill me, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 16:26, closed)

Being married
Insert definition of regular.
Regular could mean once a year.
( Weejock, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 16:53, closed)

marital sex
I probably manage three or four times a week, but with the occasional BJ or hand job as a consolation. She's thoughtful like that.
(frankspencer, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 17:28, closed)

Then you'll have kids...
And your sex life will disappear in a puff of smoke for 5 years until your wife stops fulfilling their every whim and starts fulfilling yours again.
(Vic Flange, Sat 17 Nov 2007, 10:22, closed)

Married shags
I reckon, given that the missus wants a third and therefore I get more shags than the usual pitiful few, that if I keep up the usual 3 wanks a day, my spuds will be totally jaffa'd whenever she drops her keks, so I'll be quids in with an almost limitless supply of shags.

Result!
(nobbyd is wanking furiously to industrial grade porn on, Sun 18 Nov 2007, 10:01, closed)

@ nobbyd
Don't bet on it mate, 'cleaning the pipes' may deplete your volume of baby gravy, but it actually increases the potency.

You're effectively clearing out the old knackered spermy tadpoles and firing lively fresh swimmers in the missus.

I would try to suggest ways of decreasing your fertility to help prolong your current (brief!) advantage, but I disproved all the rumours myself. I planted my seed right around christmas while I'd been drinking like a fish, smoking more weed that Bob Marley (all with menthol tabs) as well as my usual 20 cigs, and eating a diet no too dissimilar to the late Bernard Manning.

Just call me super-spunk.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 19 Nov 2007, 10:19, closed)

Super Spunk
Funnily enough, I read just that yesterday after some googling when I mentioned my cunning plan to a mate who said the same thing as you.

Fucksocks.

I'm trying to come up (fnarr) with a new plan. Our first was conceived within a month of my oncolgist saying "off you go then" having had a nut whipped out and a shitload of chemo. Guess I just have SAS spunk (a patrol does the job of a brigade) given my almost laughable jizz test results at the ondrogeny clinic.

Second was conceived round the back of my old infant school classroom, but thats another story (or QOTW)
(nobbyd is wanking furiously to industrial grade porn on, Tue 20 Nov 2007, 8:07, closed)