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This is a question Desperate Times

Stranded in a hotel in an African war zone with no internet access for two weeks, I was forced to resort to desperate measures. Possessing only my passport and the clothes I stood up in; and the warning "You can catch it shaking hands with a vicar out there" ringing in my ears, I had to draw my own porn in order to preserve my sanity.

Alas, it all came out looking like Coronation Street's Audrey Roberts, but, as they say, any port in a storm.

What have you done in times of great desperation?

(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:10)
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Oh Dear..

I've written about this before, but I can't be arsed to find the post.


Wanking when young was an act of desperation... It was to fulfil a need. Wanking in later years became more of an art-form... finding novel ways to achieve the ultimate goal became my vocation, and if you can imagine it, I've probably tried it.

You've read about my horrifying disaster with a napkin ring, when, though a series of errors and ignorance around the working of the erectile properties of the one-eyed trouser-gopher I ended up on my knees, engorged and metal-clad cock in one hand and Dremel in the other... This one however falls below that in terms of horrifying moments... but none-the-less represents what must be one of man's more horrific blunders in the name of self gratification.

The phrase to describe man's needs "Warm, tight and wet" is, in honesty a bit bland, but as a teenager in love with ejaculation, my goal was to replicate those conditions, and Fuck it. A typical week's R&D would go like this...

Hot Sponge.
This proved to be too "cleaning" and I cleaned a lot of skin off my bellend. Ouch.

Hot Sponge Mod 1.
With Soap!! (see, I wasn't stupid). Cleans skin off bellend, and STINGS MORE. BUGGER.

Hot Spoinge with "Shammy" leather liner.
Smooooth and yummy. With added Body lotion... Better! SUCCESS!!! (but leaves weird streaks on the car)

Most teenagers are infamous for spending suspiciously long in the bathroom... I possibly had them trumped by being the only lad who'd take half the garage with him.

What I though would be the culmination of my work would the the only logical extension of the "shagging an orange" theory. Oranges are acidic, they have sharp pips and they are SMALL. We needed something less acidic and larger. MELONS!!!

The only thing that a melon naturally lacked was warmth.

My parents were out, I used to live in the country, and we had just got a microwave. Excellent. Not one to master the power settings, I plumped for "turbo". I nuked the melon in 30 second bursts, waiting until the outside felt good and warm. 5 minutes later we were ready to rock.

I retired upstairs with a hole-saw and a drill, and proceeded to remove a neat 52mm diameter slice of potentially sharp and hard skin.. This was going to be sublime... then, using the handle of a wooden spoon, I poked a "pilot" hole into the soft melon-flesh.... it was easy....

I nudged my teenage boy-hood, soft and forgiving melon-flesh grudgingly gave way, and satisfied that I'd found a perfect home for my throbbing friend, I thrust home.....


My mum noticed a week or two later that the "burn-eze" was no long near the stove, but I never let on. That tube lasted for 3 weeks... I then had to use Savlon.

Apparently (I learned later on) the hardish parabolic skin of a melon concentrates the microwaves into the center. As I'd penetrated through the center it felt far softer than the rest... not only that, but it fizzed. I had become possibly the first person to thrust into a sugar-rich BOILING center of a cantaloupe.

I walked funny for a month.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 14:55, 13 replies)
"Most teenagers are infamous for spending suspiciously long in the bathroom... I possibly had them trumped by being the only lad who'd take half the garage with him."

"I had become possibly the first person to thrust into a sugar-rich BOILING center of a cantaloupe."
- ROFL some more...
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 15:00, closed)
Any fool knows...
... you leave it in a sink of warm water for half an hour before penetration.

So I'm told.

(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 15:10, closed)
No, you use the "defrost" function and key it in as 2 kg of chicken.

*Humpty hides his head in his hands*
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 15:15, closed)
Am now sitting here....
...with my legs crossed, grimicing.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 15:16, closed)
can't believe boys think they have it tough as teenagers
try being a girl. so much more complicated.

i was every day of 19 or 20 before i worked out what to do with myself!!

and since you ask so beautifully humptyboy, see the sig. hoorah, there are some advantages to horrid landmark birthdays...
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 15:22, closed)
Doughnut dares
As I was getting to the end of your tale, I was thinking to myself about the dare we had involving doughnuts in a microwave for 15 seconds and then stabbing your little finger into them and seeing how long you can hold it there for.
Its like plunging your finger into the heart of the sun...
I feel for you - I really do! (although not in the biblical sense).
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 15:51, closed)

(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 17:08, closed)
There used to be a website called melonfucker.com. I don't know if it still exists, and as I'm at work I'm not going to find out.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 17:14, closed)
You know they will
How many young lads (or not so young I suppose) are going to be buying melon really soon?
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 17:27, closed)
My ...err... friend got an extremely large marrow from an elderly neighbour who grew them on his council allotment.

Not knowing how to cook the thing, it came to a horrible spoodgy end.

So I heard.


My friend.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 17:40, closed)
why didn't you
just get a grilfriend?

it's much less hassle
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 19:44, closed)
I'll tell you why St3cks ...
Because... I was 13, had no transport and lived in the middle of the countryside surrounded by nothing but... sheep... and I wasn't going there...
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 20:29, closed)
Erm, Humpty.
I'm glad you didn't tell me this story before we shared a house


*Clicks anyway*

(, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 17:33, closed)

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