Back in the mists of time (insert wavy lines).... I went to work in Glasgow........
I was working on a warship, overhauling/upgrading the engine control systems. The work itself was piss-easy, the people I was working with were generally OK with a hint of psychopath, and as I was in digs outside Glasgow my evenings were somewhat staid. After a few days I asked one of the least mental of the welders where I could find the kind of pub 'You know, like Billy Connolly describes'. He very kindly offered to take me to the roughest pub he knew - that very evening!
I turned up by taxi outside a beaten-up, half boarded-up semi derelict shithole where he was waiting for me. Before we went in he said (in a Scots accent that I can't adequately write) 'OK come in but DON'T say anything. We went in
Fuck me it was a vision of hell. The bar was chainlinked off from the room, with two 'hatches' for serving and paying, there were no seats and the tables were basic wooden circles atop what appeared to be scaffold poles concreted in to the floor.
I got into the company of his mates, all of whom seemed quite friendly - compared to the rest of the denizens who seemed to spent their time either singing, vomiting or punching each other - sometimes all at the same time. After a few pints I realised I hadn't bought a round so I said 'My shout'.

Oh fuck.

I'd spoken.

In an English accent.

Bearing in mind that even though I was young/foolish/believed myself to be immortal this still was a bowel loosening moment.
One of the welder's mates pushed his (heavily tattooed) face into mine and garbled something along the lines of "seeyoojimmehwharey'fee". I had no idea what he'd said but my welder friend translated it as 'He's asking where you're from'.
I thought fuck it, I can only die once so I replied 'Coventry' - fully expecting to be nutted/booted/punched/stamped into a semi liquid stain on the floor - when tattoo face beamed at me!
'Coventry! Ah heard it's a bit rough doon thare', shook my hand and patted me on the back, exclaiming to the rest of the pub 'This cunt's English - leave him alone'
I got back to my digs some time later and vowed NEVER to go out in Glasgow again.

TL;DR - I went out in Glasgow in the late 70's and didn't get punched
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 11 Feb 2014, 10:27, 9 replies)

I love Glasgow, visited there a few times whilst my friend was at Uni
Nearly ended up in a fight every single time we were out, mind.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 11 Feb 2014, 10:37, closed)

My Aunt lives in Scotland; she says it's quite nice.
Well, she's wrong.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 11 Feb 2014, 11:14, closed)

I lived as an Englishman in Glasgow for years, you withered daisy of a perfumed ponce.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 11 Feb 2014, 11:17, closed)

Best Sting cover ever

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 11 Feb 2014, 11:40, closed)

I'm so terribly sorry that you're from Coventry.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 11 Feb 2014, 11:54, closed)

"This cunt's from Coventry- he's suffered enough"

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 11 Feb 2014, 12:01, closed)

Both of the above would be appropriate
I'm just glad I didn't get a kicking
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 11 Feb 2014, 12:04, closed)

Cairn Ryan.
I walked into the pub, it went a bit quiet. The place was full of fishermen. No women. not even as staff.
I ordered a pint, then I too got the whooarrghjimmie, but I could just about translate.
Wghoogharrrghdooinerejimmie was 'What brings you to these parts?'. A whiskey was presented, so I drank it.
This seemed to go on, as if it was a successful game of get the young English greebo pished, then, when I was utterly pished, I found I could understand them all perfectly, and they me. All it takes to understand Jock, and speak it fluently is too much alcohol.
( moonbadger Doesn't judge a fish by its ability to climb trees, Tue 11 Feb 2014, 13:22, closed)

I liked Frankie Boyle's comment about Mel Gibson after doing Braveheart
"Turns oot ... he's an alcoholic racist ... !"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 12 Feb 2014, 9:19, closed)