I needed broadband...
So what did I do? I called Virgin Media.

‘nuff said.



...



In fact….not ‘nuff said’. Not by a long chalk matey.

(rant alert…rant alert)

I swear I will bare my arse in Harrods front window if they EVER get one of my bills or services within the nearest stratosphere of even 'remotely accurate' (I’d even take ‘not totally made up / royally fucked up to the point of blithering mutated idiocy’) which results in shafting me and/or making me wait for 6 months just for the pleasure of forking out flipping great wadges of cash, purely due to their own insipid incompetence…TIME AND TIME AGAIN!

My phone = fucked up bills and keeps cutting out – The phone cuts out or runs out of battery when you call to complain because they keep you on hold for so long…Only for them to hang up whilst 'transferring you to another department' when you finally get through. Top service.

My TV package (Television, not transvestite…steady on Enzyme) = fucked up bills (it’s meant to be free? Why do you keep charging me when it's free??? WHYYY?)

My Broadband = Where the cocking hell do I start? Fucked up bills, wrong modem, 4 weeks late (and counting) with the replacement, wrong service, wrong speed, also cuts out and bullshit fair usage policy.

In short...shit products, shit service, shit admin. shit shit shit shit SHIT

This has been going on for YEARS.

The thing is, why do all their catastrophic twunt ups result in my having to pay MORE? I wouldn’t mind if their shagknackery results in my getting accidentally credited once in a while (obv), but oh no. That would be too easy.

So you call them….3 hours later you talk to a gusset-wrenchingly frustrating mongtard who only gives you their first name and will not confirm anything in writing, and despite the fact that this is the fifth time this month you’ve had to call, and the 356th time you’ve had to call them this year regarding their cunty bollockness, they act as if they have no record of any of your calls:

VM: “Are you sure you’ve called us before sir”
ME: "For the love of cuntbuckets, YES!"

After this, they will say absolutely ANYTHING, just to fuck your sorry ass off the phone.

VM: “Oh yes sir, we promise to fully compensate you, replace all the hardware for free, give you a years free broadband and a discount on all of our packages. We will also send our most attractive female buxom assistant to suck you off within an inch of your life before gleefully asking for it 'up the gary'. You will see the adjustments on your bill”.
ME:"Hmmmm. OK then."

…

…

The bill arrives = fucked up bill.

You call again:

VM: “Are you sure you’ve called us before sir”
ME: “Mmmmf….AAAARRRRGGGGGHHH”


I shudder to think of the £’s I have spunked on that fucking beardy-weirdy Branson’s empire only to be treated like a blob of putrid catshite that he scraped off the bottom of his designer shoe.

I now spend my evenings on the floor in a darkened room, hugging my knees, gently rocking backwards and forwards thinking…’One day…one sweet, delicious day, it will all be sorted out…I’ll get my money…and everything will work….one day…’

Don’t tell me…I know it won’t

Apologies for length...and non-funniness...and tenuous link to topic...and violent rage. But for what it's worth, I do feel a bit better now. So cheers.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 25 Oct 2007, 16:21, 12 replies)

Saved by an incompetent phone-monkey ...
I was going to get Virgin Media in my new flat. I went on t'Interweb and put in my postcode and it didn't list my flat, so I phoned.

New-ish flat, not on phone-monkey's system. Will have to send an Engineer to do a line test.

New-ish flat, not on Engineer booking system, engineer goes to wrong house. Engineer re-books. Branson's Bootspittle goes to wrong house again.

Get previous phone number off Landlord, phone BT. Flat on system. Job done and a lucky escape. Branson's loss, not mine.
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 16:56, closed)

Brilliant
You sir have my vote for best of...
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 25 Oct 2007, 16:57, closed)

Years?
I thought Virgin Media only grabbed the broadband/cable TV off Telewest about six months ago? They are fairly crap and fond of traffic shaping though.
(Benzyl, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 16:59, closed)

Benzyl
You are absolutely right my friend. My rant at Virgin is a continuous, follow-on rage from one I have hurled at their predecessors (NTL) before them. The name may have changed, but the incompetant twatterage still remains.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 25 Oct 2007, 17:26, closed)

I've said it before and I'll say it again
angry swearing rants are both amusing and cathartic. I applaud your imaginitive use of profanity.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 25 Oct 2007, 17:37, closed)

Completely agree
That's why we're getting SKY , and the thing i find the best is , they give you a package you write out and send to Virgin Media , saying why you switched over and what you were pissed off about , and they don't do that to any other company , just Virgin Media.But it's their own fault anyways for misleading!
( Chilli Heatwave ,shit, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 17:58, closed)

This has been going on for years..
Ok, so you think their shit, so why don't you change? Or have they got some really daft contract thing?

And don't come out with 'I haven't had the time' cos you've just said you spend 3 hours on the phone to them- use that time to call up another company change over and then cancel the direct debit.

And gain back your sanity!!!
(purplefairy, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 21:39, closed)

Sweet jesus someone finally understands
I spent at least half an hour with some mongchild of Joey Deacon rying to figure out why my supposed 10 meg broadband is currently running slower than the speed of piss. He went through every single available checky option before finally concluding that "it's meant to be that slow". And I just had a week of TV that I've been charged for despite only getting terrestrial and a note every 2 mins telling my card isn't inserted- it was, just didn't work. My other half phoned them up and told them in great detail about how he had met and worked for Mr Branson on a few occasions and that he didn't want to see him hanging off buildings with his arse hanging out of his tousers when nothing in his company works. He felt a bit better after that.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 22:46, closed)

you get a vote from me for...
Top Profanitisation.

(And because I agree that NTL/VM are......ooooh, I can't compete with your descriptions - - just realise that I concur 100%).

Have to agree with her purple-fairness tho - ditch and switch!! regardless of contract, you seem to have enough evidence that they're in breach of it - not providing agreed service!!

M.
(Mr. Monkey, Fri 26 Oct 2007, 5:17, closed)

Thanks for the warning
that's all the excuse I need not to buy a product from that bearded twat with the shit eating grin.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 26 Oct 2007, 10:00, closed)

Same...
...ish. Moved into a new flat and rang up VM circa a fortnight ago trying to get onto broadband, they tell me there's already a cable there so they're going to parcelforce me the modem, no problems there.

Apart from it not arriving when they said it would, leading to far too long on the phone shouting at them.

I wouldn't mind, but three years ago at my old place I signed up for NTL and never had a single problem.

/b
(beemoh, Fri 26 Oct 2007, 11:13, closed)

Sky Broadband...
...are no better. Seven months of hassle because they ballsed up my account and couldnt set up a swap from my old provider. I wont go into it because it makes me very angry indeed.. Same kind of phone-monkery and bullshit - Explaining the WHOLE story to every new monkey who promised to sort it, and then didnt.

I think its cheaper to hire Call Centre staff to give you the run around and lose you until next time you call than actually investing in the infrastructure to do things properly in the first place. In fact, theyre making a tidy profit on the calls.
The only message they understand is 'Cancellation'. Fuckers.
(Phlash, Fri 26 Oct 2007, 12:49, closed)