Expensive….and terrifying (For me anyway)
Time for my entry for this week and apologies for length in advance.

Last weekend was my daughters 5th birthday and as it was her first birthday at primary school my other half decided that the best thing to do would be to set up a party and invite all her classmates. As things are pretty tight cash wise at the moment the wife decided to host it our house and so the past few weeks I have been in the back garden making the whole thing presentable, buying a shedload of decorative gravel etc etc. I don’t actually class this as a wasted expense as the back garden looks pretty good now and we will use it for future barbecues. The thing that bothers me did not turn up until my daughters classmates had arrived.

As the party guests were running around the house screaming/ overdosing on diluted orange there was a knock at the door. Wifey yelled at me to go get it as she has her hands full. In retrospect I should have seen the evil glint in her eye but I was welcome to escape the mass hysteria from the group of 4 to 5 year olds.

I opened the front door to the sight of a 6 foot tall bloke dressed in neon colours , every patch of his skin was covered in face paint and had a comedy purple wig that was styled on the mad hatter. For anyone else this may not be worrying its just a kiddies entertainer turning up but for me it was as if time had stood still and my skin had turned ice cold. I may not have mentioned this before on this site but I have an irrational fear of clowns*. I know it sounds stupid to be afraid of blokes in facepaint but really that’s the only thing I have a problem with I am not affected by spiders, wasps, heights, ghosts, snakes, the dark etc etc, clowns just freak me out and will make me break into a cold sweat. What came next was even worse.

“HELLOOOO MON” screeched the brillo haired man from my nightmares

(Shit he knows my name thinks I while scanning the nearby area for something hard to hit him with before he bursts out into song or forces me to watch the entire run of 2 pints of larger and a packet of crisps**)

Clown: I’M HERE TO ENTERTAIN YOUR DAUGHTER AND FRIENDS TODAAAAAAY (Everything is in caps because the git actually yelled it and did the whole jazz hands thing simultaneously)

Me: You’re going to kill them aren’t you

Clown: IT’S OK MON I KNOW YOU ARE SCARED OF MY KIND, I LOVE ALL PEOPLE AND KIDDIES

(I would have cracked a pedophile joke but I was too petrified that he classed all clowns as his kind, which solidifies my theory that all clowns are either alien or demons created from souls of scriptwriters from unfunny BBC sitcoms)

While Mr Clown ran off to amuse the kids in the garden I hid in the kitchen and cautiously checked every so often as I didn’t want him appearing behind me when I was unaware. The other party guests were pissing themselves as the wife had posted the fact that the clown was coming and that I was bound to spack out due to my phobia on facebook earlier in the week. My plan was to stay out of the way while the clown did his magic tricks, made balloon animals and played DJ Otzi and the crazy frog at full pelt from his portable CD player. As he was finishing his act he decided to end on a high before the cake arrived:

NOW THEN I’M GOING TO NEED THE BIRTHDAY GIRL TO HELP ME WITH MY FINAL MAGIC TRICK declared the large footed vision of evil

My daughter went up to the front)

NOW THEN MONSDAUGHTER, WE MIGHT NEED SOME HELP FOR THIS ONE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET SOMEONE TO COME UP HERE AND JOIN YOU?

(Choose the girl with the wonky eye or better yet the psychopathic little spoilt brat who has spent the last ten minutes twatting everyone with that plastc sword thinks I but we all know where this is going don’t we…)

HOW ABOUT YOUR DADDY? sings my new arch nemesis smiling like a rapist in a dormitory of heavily sedated convent girls

YAAYY yell a select few of parents that are now on my newly created list of people I plan on sending anthrax to

I then sat there and tried to look my best while the clown wrapped me in balloons, after an inappropriate amount of fondling from coco he eventually made the balloons spell the words happy birthday and made the kids sing to my daughter while the missuis brought in the cake.

As he finished packing up Mr Clown decided to leave me with one parting shot to scar me for a while:

REEEEMEMBER MON I KNOW WHERE YOU LIIIIVVEEEEEEEE!!!!!! HE HE HE HE!

(I Make a note to myself to arm the house via an array of heavy, swingable objects and if feasible a tesla coil or even look at another property)

So this weekend has been quite expensive for the missus as she has paid for the party, the entertainer and the therapy bills for her husband who is also plotting revenge on her in some possible way. I know that she is scared of wasps but I think that the chance of me being able training a wasp to turn up at our house and annoy her is fairly slim so any ideas from you B3tans would be appreciated.

*Before anyone asks it has nothing to do with watching a film involving Pennywise the clown at an early age, by the time I had seen it I realized that Pennywise was played by Tim Curry so everytime I saw him I had thoughts of him as Frank N Furter so he wasn’t really that scary.

**Both are actual nightmares that would probably force me to give up sleep without some form of tranquilizers
(mon bison powered by magnets, Tue 18 May 2010, 14:15, 14 replies)

I have hated clowns all my life
as a 3 y/o (so 30 years ago) my parents took me to a local fete. There was a bouncy mat (like a bouncy castle without walls) with a clown in the middle. My parents put me on the bouncy mat and I screamed and screamed and screamed at the sight of the clown. He tried to cheer me up with "booga booga booga" noises...

*shudders*
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 18 May 2010, 14:26, closed)

I would have cracked a pedophile joke but I was too petrified that he classed all clowns as his kind, which solidifies my theory that all clowns are either alien or demons created from souls of scriptwriters from unfunny BBC sitcoms
good story ^that^ was my favourite line and goes some way to explaining why there are a fair few clowns around.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Tue 18 May 2010, 14:37, closed)

Clowns are evil.
They must be destroyed.

*click*
(Jimmy-Choo, Tue 18 May 2010, 15:48, closed)

coulrophobia
phobia of clowns of which i share with you.
my youngest is in Great Ormond Street Hospital a lot and they have 'clown doctors' roaming the wards and corridors. Whenever I see one I cross over and make sure there is no eye contact. When one threatened to come into the side ward we were in, I nearly lost it shouting at it and telling the evil creep to get away from me and my daughter, the nurses had to be called and noted that no clown doctors are to admitted to the ward whenever we are in, I have spoken to many people there including staff and no-one likes them, none, zilch, zero creepy fucks the lot of them. What in fuck are these people thinking??? theodora.org.uk/
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Tue 18 May 2010, 16:06, closed)

Clown Doctors?
Jesus Christ the idea of meeting one of them in the hospital is a terrifying thought.

commiserations for your kid for both having to go to hospital regularly and having the problem of bumping into a clown when in the place
(mon bison powered by magnets, Tue 18 May 2010, 16:20, closed)

I used to work at GOS.
One of the clowns was convinced I fancied her and therefore took great delight in harrassing me, when the real reason I wouldn't make eye contact was that I'd have started screaming and hit her with a chair.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 19 May 2010, 12:17, closed)

we were on Rainforest ward when it happened, what possesses anyone in their right mind to think that it will cheer up a child with intestinal failure by waving a few balloons and wearing a garish costume and make up?
I refer you to the case of John Wayne Gacy, notorious serial killer who was also known as the clown killer who would dress up as 'pogo' the clown and 'entertain kids' in hospitals.
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Wed 19 May 2010, 16:48, closed)

Ha!
I like this...

And is there really anybody out there who thinks clowns are anything other than absolutely fucking terrifying?
( SpankyHanky, Tue 18 May 2010, 16:51, closed)

the movie Poltergeist

( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Tue 18 May 2010, 21:03, closed)

Clowns are annoying and creepy.
But... You ought to spend some time and effort getting over this fear.
You owe it to yourself.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 18 May 2010, 18:07, closed)

clowns are clearly evil and up to something
if they weren't, why would they have to disguise themselves?
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 18 May 2010, 20:44, closed)

There is no such thing
as an irrational fear of clowns.

Fear of clowns is perfectly sensible.

Frankly, you could have saved yourself a lot of trouble if you clocked him in his squeaky fucking nose and slammed the door at the very sight.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Tue 18 May 2010, 21:50, closed)

I wish
I would have but to be honest I was thrown off by him appearing at the door.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Wed 19 May 2010, 9:10, closed)

"smiling like a rapist in a dormitory of heavily sedated convent girls"
*click*
(Good old boy just like yer grandma!, Thu 20 May 2010, 9:59, closed)