Nasal Dexterity
I can fit over £6 of 50p pieces up my nostrils. The trick is to use other people's coins, as no-one is prepared to take them back.
(fluidfood, Thu 30 Jun 2005, 12:55, Reply)

Big Red Cocks
Is a well know and respected fact that I, T-bone Sorbet Jnr, have a most legendary talent for the sculpting of Male phalluses from the waxy skin of that most delicious of cheeses, the Baby Bell. My portfolio contains over 400 different types of waxy red penis. Ranging from “flaccid cock in cold water” to the mighty 12 inch high “Red Headed Warrior”, the centrepiece of my collection. Though, I have to admit that catching those oh so creamy, cheesy treats can prove rather taxing. The real pleasure is in the skinning. Mmmmmmmmmm, skinning. Great, Now I’m hard.
(Jeeves, Thu 30 Jun 2005, 11:02, Reply)

Are you asleep yet?
I used to be an almost-expert in x-ray fluorescence spectroscopy, but it's been four years since I did it.
( Bob Scene, Thu 30 Jun 2005, 10:43, Reply)

i'm an expert
at not doing work

i'm even doing it now.

and by the end of today i could well be an expert in door furniture. (knobs and handles)
woo
(dickytut, Thu 30 Jun 2005, 10:21, Reply)

Fwap abstinence
I haven't fwapped for roughly 4 years now as a result of a bet. Once you stop, you can't be arsed to start again.
(Karl avec un K I am an England fan, Thu 30 Jun 2005, 9:35, Reply)

morgue
i work in a morgue and have become quite an expert at spotting bluetits.
(Ajtag, Thu 30 Jun 2005, 8:51, Reply)

Staying in bed when i should be doing something else...
like now....
i really should be going to work or feeding the cat, but hey, bed is comfy....
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Thu 30 Jun 2005, 8:40, Reply)

mess
I'm an expert at wanking into cobwebs.








That is all.
(cherry B, Thu 30 Jun 2005, 8:39, Reply)

Healing Hands
I can ease physical discomfort with my 'healing hands'....downer is that I seem to take on the bad vibes, so I tend to confine this to Mrs IZM...

I can also stop a Hillman Imp working simply by trying to service it.
(InfiniteZenMaster, Thu 30 Jun 2005, 7:00, Reply)

I always know....
...what direction North is. Always. Blindofld me and spin me around a few times, and I will still know. As a result I can virtually always get to somewhere providing I know what general direction I need to head in. Although it needs a bit of refining when it comes down to actual streets, I am your man for directions!

For example, my mates abducted me for one of my birthdays. I was blindfold and bundled into the back of a car. After about half an hour, they said "Right, we're here. Would you like to know where we are." I pissed them off a tad by saying "Well, I reckon we are at the Royal Quays, but stop me if I am wrong." We were. Ha!
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Thu 30 Jun 2005, 1:20, Reply)

debugging
I'm amazing at debugging things (to blow my own trumpet), I can usualy work out why some code is misbehaving from intuition. I'm also good at fixing other peoples programming/computer problems, especially if it gets me out of doing my own work. I can even debug in langauges I've never used before, albeit with a bit of googling.

Hopefully I can make a living out of this someday... (Anybody want to employ a fresh Comp. Sci. graduate?)

I can also make anything I cook smell delicious, although it might not taste as amazing as it smells (usually nice though)
(gerg, Thu 30 Jun 2005, 0:37, Reply)

Feeble expertise
I was a big expert in the rules of the Cyberpunk 2020 role playing game.

I am also an expert in cameras and photography (apparently), and know more than several of my co-workers. The thing is, these co-workers have been professional or semi pro photographers, and I have never been paid to take a photo in my life.
(davidbachman2028, Thu 30 Jun 2005, 0:29, Reply)

Allegedly 'architecture'...
(whatever the fuck that is)
...having studied it and worked in it for fourteen years, but I feel like I know sod all therein.

So;
1. Curry, Making and Consumption of.
2. Drinking.
3. Pretending to be gay (helps with 2. above)
4. Bentley Microstation (if you know what this is, then you're beyond help, my friend)
5. Existential Angst
6. Country Music (work in progress...)
( PastorSauce : easy on the anchovies..., Wed 29 Jun 2005, 23:51, Reply)

I have a very interesting/boring experties
I have an IWSc; sounds professional, you get CMIWSc after your name so it sounds impressive.

That is until you translate what it means...

....Certificated Member of the Institute of Wood Science! Now it sounds boring!
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 21:54, Reply)

Red Dwarf,
The Young Ones,
Cunnilingus,
Fucking up my personal life,
ABV of beers.

My kids think I have the brains of Stephen Hawking, and the football skills of Wayne Rooney - the truth is the other way round.

No apologies for lack of length - no complaints though
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 21:24, Reply)

I'm an expert
Im an expert in..

Football knowledge
Capital Cities
American sports
Wolfenstein 3D series (inc. Spear of Destiny)
Languages.

And i'm 15.

And this is my first post.
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 20:48, Reply)

im an expert
in the field of pubs that serve underage drinkers in the hertfodshire area. my health would probably be a bit better if i wasnt an expert in this field but fuck you all.
(fwack bang on it, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 20:35, Reply)

Conversations
Everytime my friends have a conversation I can just kill it dead creating a long awkward silence.

Sometimes I don't have to try.
(tranmerefan, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 19:10, Reply)

Winding up Clipboard People
I'm an expert at this quite popular art. But whereas I don't use the physical violence as do most of the locals, I've developed an art for really embarrasing the individual until they want to leave, which can last until I'm bored and let them escape.

Example;
Was stopped in the city centre by a rather attractive blonde holding a clipboard. Hey, she's got tits, let's talk hun.

"Do you believe in Jesus?" Bollocks, she's a BB (bible basher). That's a waste. She looked well up for a tit-wank too.
"No, and I don't believe in God either." I say in a polite tone.
"Why not?"
"Well, I believe that there is something else, but I don't give him a name and a national insurance number like you lot do."

I managed to keep her there for 1/2 an hour, and politely helped our nation by converting this beatiful blonde into an athiest, and I bet she's well up for some dogging now (hopefully) :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 19:00, Reply)

Collecting useless objects
In my car I have 5 umbrellas.
In my purse I have my passport, my taxes, a broken hair clip and a used up lipstick.
At home I have 1 unemployed husband.
(Peelmytangerines, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 18:50, Reply)

Feeling inadequate...
I spent three years of my life acquiring a PhD in the very useful field of opioid-like peptides in the locust. I am no longer an expert in this because it's so long ago I've forgotten it all.
(furball, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 18:46, Reply)

Hmm well
I'm an expert at stopping conversation and causing awkward silences.
Either when I mention having periods, or even just agreeing with what other people said.
For example.
Mate #1: The Matrix SUCKS dude
Mate #2: Yeah haha
Mate #3: I know
Me: Yeah it does
*Everyone stops talking and turns round to face me.. silence*.

Apart from that, I'm a whizz with a spatula. Woo
(oobelman, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 18:05, Reply)

Making computers chit themselves
I currently have about 5 projects under my belt that, in theory, should work great. What they actually do is lock a computer up to the point of it shitting a brick and closing the application. A current project talks to a remote server. The internet connection at works drops out when the program is run. And the server also shits itself and recycles the offending process. I am the overfiend of l33t c0d3z.
( Mr Spleen Can do better. C-, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 18:01, Reply)