Davvy G And The Chemical Toilet Of DOOM!
Three years ago, the local rugby club decided to put on a three day music festival. £20 for the weekend, loads of local (and not so local) bands, and best of all, the rugby club is but a five minute walk from our house so no tedious pissing about with camping or transport. Sweet.

Having caught a couple of acts on the Friday, I decided to make a day of it on the Saturday. After toddling up to the local boozer to watch Newcastle beat Sunderland in a lunchtime kick off, I decided to wander down to the rugby club and savour the day's delights. Meeting up with the missus and some mates, I grabbed a beer from the beer tent, and stood in the marquee watching band after band do their thing, and generally having a good time.

At a break between sets, and as it was a particularly warm day, our group decamped outside to sit in the grass, have a smoke and another pint, and generally enjoy ourselves. Then came the call of nature...

Trotting across to the portaloos that were located to the edge of the site, I waited my turn in the queue, and, as one became vacant, headed into the blue, odorous cubicle to have a slash. Half way through the act, I heard loud voices and then, without warning, my piss TARDIS began to shake violently. Fuck.

"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS GOING ON?" I yelled, fully aware of just what was going on but feebly hoping that my aggressors would suddenly realise they were being a bunch of knobbers and stop. They didn't. "FUCKING STOP, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" Too late. They were in the throws of Jackass ecstasy, and I was becoming more shaken than an epileptic Parkinson's victim. After a few short, but brutal seconds in which my whole body was bounced off every wall of the cubicle (not to mention the flush-stick), the whole thing crashed to the ground and showered me with piss, shit and blue chemical. There was no way out; the thing had crashed door-down.

A few seconds later, I felt the whole structure being heaved upright again; unfortunately the mix of piss, shit and chemicals that had pooled in the bottom of the portaloo had no other option but to sluice themselves back over me again during the process. However, I could at least get myself out of my effluence jailhouse, and burst the door open to emerge, a feeling of relief and rage washing over me to replace the godawful mixture that had only second before bathed me with it's warm, blue glow.

Shaking with fury, and seeing a small group of very obviously concerned festival goers in front of me, I could only really articulate a few words, which were along the lines of "WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?", spreading my arms wide with indignation. "WHO THE FUCK ACTUALLY DOES THIS SORT OF THING? LOOK AT ME FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! I'M UTTERLY SOAKED" At this point I noticed that my skin had taken on a slightly blue tinge. Great. I look like an angry Smurf. Excellent, fantastic. So I decided to articulate my disgust by flamboyantly taking my outspread arms and drawing them in and down my whole body so as to emphasise my plight. For added effect, I angled my head downwards at the same as if to encourage my small audience to fully take in just how wet, blue and covered in shitty toilet roll I actually was.

It's very difficult to maintain any sort of credible sense of anger, venom and rage when you look down and suddenly realise that your cock is still hanging out...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 9 Aug 2013, 1:40, 8 replies)

and, presumably, blue
smurfcock would make an excellent b3ta username
( ferret -> twitter.com/syfyautocorrect <-, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 3:06, closed)

hahaha oh Dav

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 7:01, closed)

Once I'd gone home, showered and stuck the wet clothes in the wash
I went back and got free beer for the rest of the night, so it wasn't all bad. Although I did piss in the bushes from then on...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:13, closed)

I find the opposite. The only time I can maintain a sense of anger, venom and rage is when I have my cock out. Especialy when I'm reading a Shambo post.
(Brigadier an old boot sitting on a man's face - forever, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 7:29, closed)

I've never seen Avatar. Soz.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 8:09, closed)

LAVATOIRE more like!!!!!!!!!!!! ! !

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 8:16, closed)

Oh good work!

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 8:25, closed)

I'm...FLUSHED...with pride.

I've ruined it now inn'I?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 8:26, closed)

Yes.
Yes it is.

And to think that I ever loved you!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 8:32, closed)

U-bender

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 9 Aug 2013, 11:08, closed)

This post is getting
bogged down with puns
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 14:21, closed)

Too right Andy - LET'S SMASH THE CISTERN!

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 9 Aug 2013, 15:11, closed)

Its ok
I was just yanking your chain
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 15:24, closed)

Neither have I.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 9 Aug 2013, 11:36, closed)

I can't click on "I like this!",
as it makes me want to throw up.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 8:38, closed)

In a sexy way though, right?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 8:46, closed)

What other way is there?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 8:49, closed)

You know. The ...
The other way.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 8:49, closed)

Everybody loves a puke party.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 8:53, closed)

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winnah...

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 9 Aug 2013, 13:10, closed)

It was possibly the most traumatic experience of my life, and I've been to Bradford.
Also, the trip to A&E 2 days later suffering from crippling stomach cramps, probably as a result of ingesting some of the pisscack fluids during the process, was fucking joyous.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 9 Aug 2013, 18:54, closed)

is this another ill fated attempt at time travel?
*whispers*

you're not actually a time lord

sorry
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 12 Aug 2013, 15:26, closed)

I wish I could turn back time, just to avoid the whole experience.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 13 Aug 2013, 12:58, closed)