Hotel Nudity
Apologies for failing to post the long MTFU story I promised last week, fans. Something came up - namely, the BBC announced the identity of the actor playing the Terran aspect of the 12th Doctor (Peter Capaldi - good fit) so I was rather preoccupied.

Anyway - re. the subject of this week's QOTW: during one of my incarnations, many years ago, I worked in a rather prestigious London hotel. Well, it wasn't THAT prestigious, and indeed was struggling a bit and went under six months after I left, and was demolished in 1987. (There's flats there now.) It was because of our parlous financial state that we were rather lax about who we accepted as guests, and would accommodate anyone if they could afford us (we would often offer discounts). We would also accommodate their foibles. For example, if a guest wanted to bring a, shall we say, hired help back to their room, we would turn a blind eye. Pets, also, we would accommodate. Dogs, usually; but one guest in particular booked with us who had a rather unusual pet. The manager was initially reluctant to accept the booking, but the guest offered to pay extra, so we accepted. And so came the fateful day that the guest - a Malaysian businessman - came to stay, with his pet. His pet... chimpanzee.

This chimpanzee, which went by the name of Bibmoxee, was an adolescent male and a big, scary looking fucker, but we were assured it was quite tame. One of the conditions of the booking was that, when the guest was out, a member of hotel staff would be stationed in the room to look after Bibmoxee and make sure he didn't damage anything. I pleaded with Stephanie, the manager, to get an expert from Regents Park Zoo or somewhere but she refused, citing costs, and appointed me as chief chimp minder (shoulda kept my big mouth shut!).

And so the afternoon after the morning the guest checked in, he had to go out for a business meeting, leaving Bibmoxee in his suite. I was duly stationed to attend to the chimp's needs. I admit, I was terrified, but did my duty (hey - this could fit with last week's question too! Double bubble!). The guest had assured me that Bibmoxee was totally tame and not at all violent, but would sometimes get a bit "rambunctious." To mitigate this, I was given a kazoo and instructed to blow on it repeatedly until Bibmoxee calmed down.

So with a certain amount of trepidation I entered the suite. It was one of our largest and most expensive, and consisted of a main lounge with bedrooms, kitchen and bathroom off. I found Bibmoxee in the lounge sitting limbs akimbo on the sofa, staring impudently at me, his genitals proudly displayed. There was an enormous turd on the carpet and the stench was unbearable. Kazoo between my lips I cleared up the shit whilst Bibmoxee sprawled on the sofa, seeming suspiciously quiet and subdued. After I cleaned up I gave Bibmoxee a bunch of bananas, which he promptly ate, skin and all. He then spat copiously on the carpet, and proceeded to stick his finger up his bum for a good root around, and then sniff and lick the finger. All par for the course for a chimpanzee, and I watched all this warily from the relative safety of an easy chair opposite the sofa, kazoo in hand ready to be deployed.

To his credit the teenage ape behaved himself for about an hour - but then started acting up, capering madly round the room and throwing pillows. As he raised his arm to throw one at me I blew on the kazoo, hard. The effect was immediate. Bibmoxee emitted a series of high, piping shrieks, scuttled into a corner and curled up into a ball with his arms wrapped around his head. There he stayed, shuddering and whimpering. Pleased with this result, and trying not to think about what his owner had done to achieve it, I began to relax. As long as I had the kazoo, I was safe.

About ten minutes later there came a knock at the door. With one eye on the corner where Bibmoxee cowered, I opened it. It was Lucy, one of the chambermaids. She was a saucy little thing, with lambent pale skin, black hair tied back in a ponytail and laughing blue eyes. I had fancied her ever since I'd started work at the hotel.

"I didn't order room service", I said mock-seriously.

"Oh you idiot, I've come to see the chimpanzee!" The slight Irish lilt in her voice just made her all the more fanciable.

She came into the room and when she saw Bibmoxee she frowned in concern. "Oh! Is it all right?"

I told her about the business with the kazoo and as I did so Bibmoxee looked up and noticed her. Now I don't know a lot, if anything, about chimpanzees, but maybe the sight of a female, albeit not one of his own species, excited Bibmoxee; the moment he clapped eyes on Lucy he leapt up shrieking, his long yellow teeth bared in a terrifying grimace. I quickly deployed the kazoo again, and kept on blowing it until the chimp was once again subdued.

Now Lucy was staring around the room. "Never been in here before, isn't it grand?" Then she turned to me with a devilish glint in her eyes. "Let's fuck!"

She grabbed my hand and led me to the bedroom even before I began to comprehend what she had said, and realise what an extremely lucky bastard I was. Stunned by my good fortune, I watched agape as she slipped out of her clothes and stood before me, naked as the day she was born (apart from her earrings). She smiled and said, "Come on then what are you waiting for?" My heart the size of the Moon, I stumbled out of my clothes and was soon locked in a naked embrace with the woman I had been secretly lusting after for months and months. We fell onto the bed, exploring each other’s bodies, my cock hard against her belly and my fingers teasing her moist, slippery haven.

Suddenly there came a tremendous pounding at the door. I sat bolt upright, my erection melting away like a Solero in a sauna. Bibmoxee! I instinctively reached for the kazoo - only to realise that I must have dropped it or left it in the lounge when I was distracted by Lucy's out-of-the-blue offer. The pounding increased in ferocity until Bibmoxee’s fist broke through the panels. Lucy screamed and hopped off the bed. Suddenly - BANG! - the door was thrust open and there Bibmoxee stood, his face a mask of terrifying ferocity. Shrieking, he raised his arm and threw something at us - it splattered against the headboard of the bed, and I realised it was a lump of his own faeces.

So there we both were, stark naked (apart from Lucy's earrings and my socks), at the total mercy of an insanely angry shit-throwing chimpanzee, with no way of defending ourselves or of subduing the ape.

With a roar, Bibmoxee lunged for us, arms outstretched. Thinking quickly I shoved Lucy to one side, hauled the king-size duvet off the bed and hurled it over the advancing chimp. It covered him completely and he began to stumble blindly around the bedroom. I grabbed Lucy's hand and we skirted around the confused simian, through the broken door and into the lounge. I began looking for the kazoo and found it - but it had been smashed into bits, the red plastic pieces scattered around the deep-pile cream-coloured carpet. I looked back into the bedroom - Bibmoxee had thrown the duvet off and was glaring at me with a gaze of extreme malevolence. With seconds to spare I bustled the naked Lucy out of the suite and slammed the door behind us.

We stood in the corridor, breathing heavily, sweat sheening our nude bodies. A sudden thumping at the door alarmed us, but the outer doors to our rooms were heavy and secure and not even an enraged chimpanzee would be able to break through.

Suddenly Lucy burst out laughing, and I couldn't help but join in. The sheer relief of our escape sent our adrenaline levels soaring, and I could feel myself becoming erect again. With a twinkle in her eye Lucy got down on all fours and gasped, "Fuck me like a dog!" So I fucked her there and then from behind, groaning in pleasure as I ejaculated fulsomely deeply within her.

We then walked hand in hand along the corridor, got the lift to the ground floor and went straight to the manager's office where we reported the incident. It was a bit embarrassing walking butt naked through reception, we could feel all eyes on us; and I indeed said, "take a picture, it'll last longer," and I believe someone actually did.

We expected to be sacked on the spot but Stephanie laughed and let us off, with a warning not to conduct our affair on hotel premises.

The porter was sent out to purchase a new kazoo and Bibmoxee was subdued. Of course, we had to ask the guest to leave; he was angry, but he paid for the damage. Stephanie agreed that in hindsight it was a bit of a stretch to try and cope with a chimpanzee and apologised for putting our lives in danger.

Lucy and I went out for about a year until she left me for an Italian waiter.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 19:24, 15 replies)

Although I haven't read this
It deserves a comment and bookmarked it to read tomorrow. That took dedication to write that my friend.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 3:15, closed)

Although I haven't read this
you've got repeated form as a halfwit who writes utter tosh extremely badly so there's nothing on earth which would entice me to do so.

tl:dr it's too long, I didn't read it
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 10:37, closed)

I am now not going to read this.

( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 13:51, closed)

life is a precious resource
Don't fritter it away reading this oaf's drivel.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 14:52, closed)

I read it.
I like how you gave the story an air of credibility with the postscript about your relationship with the remarkably forward hottie you managed to bang in the most unlikely circumstance.
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 12:10, closed)

I actually liked it
So there, you /talk numpties.
(DarkMalfunction put the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional' on, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 21:34, closed)

that's blatant bigotry, check your messageboard privilege

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 10 Aug 2013, 23:08, closed)

TL;DR
Are you trying to replace Misery McWhatsisface?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sun 11 Aug 2013, 14:50, closed)

Needs more whinging and narcissism.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 11 Aug 2013, 15:13, closed)

2/10 Needs more Pringles tin splatterfarts.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 11 Aug 2013, 14:56, closed)

Let me get this right...
So you fucked an attractive woman, doggie style, in a hotel corridor - during the middle of the day - having just fended off a mental chimpanzee with a kazoo?

Well, I'm convinced.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 12 Aug 2013, 14:27, closed)

I'm at a loss at to what we're trying to achieve here?
The story post itself was worth a read. I found it quite entertaining. I will never meet Dr Skagra, but nonetheless I thought that it was worthy of a click.

So what's the problem you bell-creases?? What exactly are you trying to achieve here*? Just because you can't entertain anyone yourselves, or get clicks (which seems to be the point of the site - it seems very important to you all anyway). Yet you choose instead to suck the life out of everything until there is nothing left?

Cue comments regarding Angry/ Upset / or whatever, ONLINE on the INTERNET lols....meh

*you know who you are
(The Magic Number is neither magic nor a number, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 15:54, closed)

That's libellous.
You might want to reconsider that post.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Tue 13 Aug 2013, 22:16, closed)

Shit post is shit.
But you did a great job of reinforcing TMN's point.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 22:44, closed)

Alright Dr. Skagra?
You are John Nathan-Turner.
AICM$5P
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 22:46, closed)