The carnival of life.
It all started this morning. I woke up with the routine morning wood, leapt out of bed and forced my clothes on. Upon achieving this task, I pondered downstairs to the kitchen to make breakfast, surstromming and an apple (an apple a day keeps the doctor away!). Breakfast filled me up real good, so I brushed my teeth, washed my face then set off to work.

As I arrived at Poundworld and place myself behind the till, my co-worker Glenn broke the news to me,
"You're not gonna believe it Harold, but Jonesy's dead",
And at first I didn't, but then I heard the tone in his voice. I felt as if I had been hit with a poisonous gas, I couldn't think straight, and suddenly I threw myself at the shelves, ripping items off them, shouting, ripping items off them. I had made a fine mess of the facility, and I was panting for breath. I finally fell to the floor, crying my heart out.

After a long hard 3 hours work, I hit the staffroom. I poured myself a coffee and ate 3 bourbon biscuits. A female co-worker, Jamimah, walked in. I said,
"Hello Jamimah!", she didn't say a word, but she walked closer to me. Jamimah certainly wasn't a pretty picture, a short, fat mess of a human being, but suddenly I became overwhelmed with sexual desire.

I dropped my mug of coffee, Jamimah dropped her pants. Next thing I knew we were going at it like Speedy Gonzales and Roadrunner. It was an intense experience, I won't go into much detail as my 7 year old son might find this, but boy, my sausage roll had never been so turgid.

Just as I finished pumping jazzy juice into her wizard's sleeve, my boss, Ross Lacrosse, walked in. He was a medium sized, stocky young man. He saw me pulling out of Jamimah's cunt and his expression changed to one of pure rage. Time seemed to freeze for a moment, then he let out a glass-shattering bellow before grabbing a broomstick and running at me. I jumped out of the way swiftly, but less than a second later I found the long, wooden pole entering my trademan's entrance! My face turned white, and I fell four to the floor. Jamimah screamed,
"No!", grabbed the kettle and threw it at Ross. Ross screamed,
"No!", and ran to the toilet. Jemimah hurried to pull the broom out of my sphincter and asked,
"Are you ok?", I pulled up my boxers and trousers, brushed my shoulders and replied,
"You're talking to mr Cool as a Cucumber."

That evening was eventful to say at the least. I was back at the till and doing body pop jigs to the tunes pumping out of the speakers such as "HIM - The First Cut is the Deepest" and "Willy Mason - Smells Like Team Spirit". A man walked up to the counter with a mac and a hat.
"That's two quid please, mate", I told him. His eyes shifted left and right, then he leaned in and said,
"Do you have any condoms?",
"No.", I replied. He passed over ten 20p coins, took his mac and hat (now placed into a plastic bag) and walked out the shop.

When work ended at 5, I was glad to be free. I went straight home in my Vauxhall Nova and took a seat in my living room. Suddenly, the telephone rang. I answered.
"Harold?",
"Speaking", I cheekily said to whoever it was on the other end,
"Harold, you gotta come here, you gotta see this, I'm at Leverwell Park", and before I could ask what was happening or who it was the other person hung up.

I walked to Leverwell Park, it was only a 5 minute walk after all. As I bust onto the scene I saw my friend Sanjib. I walked up to him.
"Was that you on the phone?" I inquired,
"Yes, yes it was", he replied.
"Well? What was it you wanted to show me?" I asked,
"Well. There was a woman here who was juggling with 4 juggling balls but she's gone now."
I was majorly disappointed. I walked back home.

As I reached my door, a man came up to me,
"Would you like to buy some smack?" he asked, raising his left eyebrow,
"No. Not my game, mate", I replied. He skipped away. I finally got in and sat back down on my armchair, but then the clock caught the corner of my eye,
"Blimming heck, it's 8pm already! I have to be up at 5am to go fishing with the lads!", I said to no one in particular.

So I hurriedly brushed my teeth, had a shower and laid down in bed. I had a funny dream, it involved paint and a sculpture of Hercules, but that's another story.
(SirStromming, Tue 14 Jun 2011, 11:33, 5 replies)

What the...
...Rambling fuck was that about?
(Booce, Tue 14 Jun 2011, 12:05, closed)

tl;dr

( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Tue 14 Jun 2011, 12:21, closed)

yeah
zany
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 14 Jun 2011, 12:35, closed)

Pictures
or it didnt happen
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 14 Jun 2011, 13:50, closed)

* click *
No, not really.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 14 Jun 2011, 14:00, closed)