The Voice
When I was small, I used to be in a choir, members of which were selected from the schools in my area. The summer before I joined, they'd taken part in a concert at the Royal Albert Hall. I was a bit peeved to have missed it, but there was a rumour that it was something we did every few years, so I'd get my opportunity soon enough.

The years came and went. We did loads of concerts - but none of them at the Albert. In fact, none of them was outside the Potteries. I knew that, as puberty approached, my time in the choir was limited.

Eventually, it was announced that we would be participating in a concert at the Albert Hall next summer - a mere year hence. My voice responded by faltering. I'd lost the race. I knew that, by the time the concert happened, my singing voice'd've slipped from "angelic" to "growly".

The solution? Mime. For the subsequent year, I mimed my way through every rehearsal for every concert - except for the forced falsetto when the conductor seemed to be listening attentively to the part of the room where I was. I only actually sang when I was on stage, when the fact that my voice was (initially) all over the place and (latterly) a few octaves below where is should have been would be drowned out. There was no way I was going to miss that concert.

At the end, I lapped up the applause. It was obviously meant as appreciation of my heroic attempts to carry off a life as the bastard offspring of Aled Jones and Marcel Marceau.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:12, 5 replies)

You are indeed.
The strangest man I've ever met : P
( girlinthehole, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:31, closed)

I've played
my saxamophone at the Albert Hall. And i had very bad squits in the toilet.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:36, closed)

Oh yes!
I do this every time I have to sing Beethoven 9. The soprano part is like synchronised screaming and I don't want to put my throat through it again.

ps sang it at the Proms once, while we're mentioning Albert...
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 15:13, closed)

I had to fake some high notes
I'm an alto: a proper, low, rich alto. However, when one choir hired me to sing in "African Sanctus", I turned up only to find that several sops had been struck down with flu, and they offered me an extra £50 to sing sop. "Fine" says I, "it can't do any harm for just one night". Bullshit. I know the piece, and knew that the sop part would wreck me. So I accepted the money, sang everything that was confortably in my range, sang bits of the uncomfortable range, and faked the top. I just worked extra hard at mouthing in time, breathing in the right places, and swigging loads of water. It was broadcast on radio 4, and sounded fine in the end. Sorted out my travelcard for another month as well.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 21:28, closed)

Grrr
Thief
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 10:33, closed)