The Tube, Playing with the Kids, and Louis Theroux
On my way home on the tube yesterday I had a bizzare, fan-related encounter.

EUSTON

Sweating like a rapist I clamber onto the tube, find a seat - fuck me! - sit down. Start playing Risk on my phone.

MORNINGTON CRESCENT

A bloke gets on and sits opposite. I glance up at him and recognise him instantly. I perk up a bit. Its none other than uber-documentary maker, bumbling Brit abroad, Louis Theroux. Bit of a coincidence - I'd just watched his latest documentary on the i player the previous night. It was a great documentary, about a hospital for kiddy-fiddlers in California. So, being a gobby twat, I decided to show my appreciation.

As we're rattling towards Camden Town deep in the bowels of North London, I say:

"Excuse me, mate - Excuse me."

I get his attention, and the attention of just about everyone else in the carriage. For some unknown reason people just don't fucking talk to each other on the tube. If you talk to someone they tend to look at you all wild eyed and offer to give you their wallet.

Anyway, after I'd grabbed Louis attention I say:

"I really loved that peadophile thing. Just wanted to say good work, mate." And I sit back with a knowing smile and a slight nod of admiration.

And Louis looks at me with utter confusion and disgust. He buries his head in his paper.

Rude cunt, I think. And then I start to feel the eyes of every fucking body in the carriage burn into my skin...

And just as we pull into

CAMDEN TOWN

I realise with utter unadulterated fucking horror that this man is not, in point of fact, Louis Theroux...

...he just looks an awful lot like him.

The next seven-and-a-half-minutes (yep, I counted every fucking second of that journey), travelling up to my gaff in Tufnell Park were fucking horrible...

...I had a carriage full of strangers gawping at me, thinking I was some kind of peado, who had just given his full, frank, very public and extreamly vocal support to another ...

...dirty

...fucking

...peado...


(Nadgers!)
( SpankyHanky, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 10:23, 26 replies)

Ha haaaaa!
Epic FAIL

*clicks*
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 10:26, closed)

Fuckin
great work, mate!
(Lizard King, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 10:26, closed)

HAHAHAHAHA !!!
CLASSIC SPANKY MOMENT!!! :-)
(Grrrrr Tigers, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 10:29, closed)

Ha! Very lol-worthy mate
The rules of the Tube:

1) Never talk to strangers
2) NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS

Unless they're beggars, in which case it's perfectly acceptable to advise them where to get off*

Which brings me to an anecdote where I was sat on a Northern Line train myself. I was desperately trying to avoid a Romanian beggar with a baby wrapped up in her arms, her leathery face wailing and crying as she extended a pathetic, torn paper cup jingling loose change in the face of each passenger in turn.

As she made her way down the carriage, we all did our best to pretend she wasn't. Then her ears pricked up, a sound had caught her attention; it was the sound of hands manipulating jingly-jangly coins at the end of the carriage!

She ignored the rest of the seated passengers and made her way surprisingly quickly to the man shuffling around in his trouser pockets. As she arrived, he removed his hand to reveal a police warrant card, then he said quite loudly "British Transport Police, off the train now madam".

Being British, we all silently cricket-applauded him in our heads. A few of us even raised a smile.

*It's 'fuck' in case you wondered
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 10:40, closed)

That's fucking great, that is!
The Tube would be a very good, but very British and London-centric QOTW.

I remember one time overhearing a couple down at Warren Street late at night.

Her: "I desperately wanna give you head when we get on the tube."

Him: "Yeah, lets find a carriage to ourselves!"

After a ponderous pause she said: "We'd better take the Northern Line in that case - the Victoria Line's too juddery... Might bite your cock off..."

Whenever I'm on the Vic Line now I always think of that random conversation.

(And get a bit hard).
( SpankyHanky, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 10:46, closed)

Arf!
I recall an 'inappropriate head' situation while working in HMV... a couple had found a dark corner of the world music section and were getting down to it when I stumbled upon them.

Ever one to provide good customer service I uttered the words:

"Can I help you with anything?"
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Wed 22 Apr 2009, 10:53, closed)

"You could cup the balls...
...while I work the shaft"

Otherwise, no thanks :)
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 10:54, closed)

Me and my ex
(the one from last week) used to experiment with risky public sex quite a bit. On one impossibly-crowded central line train on a sweltering summer's day, we ended up jammed in the middle of the carriage pondering a fairly long and unpleasant journey back to Mile End after a shopping trip in the West End.

The person sat directly behind me got up to leave, so I grabbed the seat immediately and pulled my g/f onto my lap.

Within moments, I had a raging hard-on, of which she was obviously aware, as she expertly managed to undo my velcro flies (I was wearing surfing board-shorts) and start prodding my cock into her thong underneath her summer dress, slowly working the stringy bit out of the way.

Sadly, it wasn't to be. I managed to get about half the tip in before the carriage started thinning out at Liverpool Street, and my tube glumly exited her tunnel and was returned to its sweaty lair.

"Mind the Gap"
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 11:04, closed)

On the Bakerloo Line
going up to Ikea one day (ohh, the joys of being coupled). The Mrs. was feeling randier than a priest in a schoolyard and there we had a carriage to ourselves.

She stood up, pulled up her short summer dress, pulled down her panties and wiggled her fine arse in my face.

I use the Bakerloo line lots for work and knew I had about two minutes before the next stop, more than enough time to get inside her and squirt my sticky load; we'd just have to find something else to do for the other minute-and-a-half.

So, I spring to action, whap out the little man, and slide him up the Mrs' lovely tight and incredibly moist love tunnel.

She's grabbing hold of the railings to steady herself while I grunt and pant like a fucking asthmatic running the marathon.

Suddenly the PA crackles and we hear the driver say:

"To the couple in carriage four - I'd just like you to know that that little round thing in the ceiling near the central doors is the CCTV camera."

And then the PA cuts off dead.

The Mrs. jumped so much she nearly snapped my cock off.
( SpankyHanky, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 11:13, closed)

Brilliant :)
I knew you'd have a similar tale with which to raise me

in more ways than one
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 11:16, closed)

We should start a pervert appreciation society
self help group...
( SpankyHanky, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 11:17, closed)

Self help
helpabuse
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 11:18, closed)

Welcome to b3ta/qotw
as it's also known.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 11:29, closed)

I've put 'Public Sex' in the QOTW suggestions list
Can't promise anything, though - it's a toss-up (oh-ho!) between that and "My Hilarious Blu-Tac stories"
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 11:18, closed)

How about Hillarious public sex stories involving blu-tac?
I'm sure everyones got shitloads of those.
( SpankyHanky, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 11:28, closed)

A mate of mine once had sex with her boyfriend in a CCTV-controlled office car park.
On a the summer evening. In the open. She weighs 23 stone and he was a policeman, and they were both married to other people.

Every week I watch 'Feck Me, It's CCTV!' but I haven't spotted them yet.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 18:39, closed)

It's a tie!
Between Spanky's hilarious post and Chart Cat's genius response.

It's gonna have to be an anecdote-off to decide....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 10:44, closed)

How's it going so far?
I would continue, but the bell has rung for hometime here in Tokyo and I'm off to the bar now :)
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 11:17, closed)

A draw
Hilarity all round.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 17:39, closed)

Oh my... Oh my oh my...
*clicks voluminously*

One of my mates looks like Theroux so I can empathise with the poor sod you congratulated...
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Wed 22 Apr 2009, 10:48, closed)

Love it!
Absolutely love it!
(Hotty, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 10:51, closed)

I think I just wet myself!
Thanks for the LOL!
(Milly One, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 11:05, closed)

Deserves
a click.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 11:09, closed)

I want
Risk on my phone.
(BarryChuckle, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 11:24, closed)

Just watch child-porn
On it.
While in a crowded pub.
At the bar.
( Cawl, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 12:01, closed)

Excellent moment of
foot in mouth - just be thankful you didn't get your head kicked in *click*
(Errin C, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 12:45, closed)