I am the most pathetic human being... in the world... ever.
One of my more embarrassing scap moments wasn't really a fight but could've gone badly for all concerned. Got to get this off my chest.

I mentioned Michael-no-neck in an earlier story, he's one of those people who disaster follows like a magnet so makes for entertaining tales. I shared a class with this deviant for about 5 years and we became sort of friends but I wasn't a fan of his shopliffting sprees or peculiar odour so tried to avoid him whenever I could. Near the end of one boring schoolday he was goading me about something or other, childish remarks which I could roll my eyes at and turn t'other cheek so no biggie. Out of the blue his voice goes a bit quiet and he calls my grandmother a hunchback. Now that just wasn't on. Call it psuedo bravado but I challenged him to a fight after school. He agreed and it (somehow) stupidly escalated until we entered some bizarre UFC fantasy world where we'd get all our friends together and meet in the deepest part of the forest to kick the holy, living shit out of each other. A fight for the ages.

When night fell I'd only managed to blag one mate which was a little weak, so after some quick thinking I pocketed my trusty penknife, 3 inches, nailfile attachment, hardcore.

Myself and said mate made it as far as the bottom of my street! Before a gang of youths turned up to meet us. By now I was about to pee my pants in fear because Michael's friends consisted of the scariest, most sypocathic (sic :p) kids from the nearby estate. Mike however was strangely absent "he's um, taking a bath" was the witty explanation "but we're still up for it if you are."

At this point, overcome with a desire to call it off and run like the wind I pull out my "knife" stupidly hoping it'd frighten them into backing down. You've seen Crocodile Dundee right? "That's not a knife. This... is a knife." Yeah, the borstal-bound skinhead's reply was to pull out what I like to imagine was a footlong bloodstained machete. I exagerate but at the time it was one big oh shiiiiit moment.

The conclusion? Me cunningly heading home to procure "bigger, more dangerous weapons" and then locking the door, hiding under my bed in tears for fear they'd break in and do wicked things to my nubile young body, ie, carve me like a roast chicken.

Weirdly enough I went to school on the Monday and no-one said a thing. My mate just shrugged and Michael pretended we were still friends.

Sad I know but I was way over my head and glad to be alive thank you very much.

'pologies for etc.
(Suddenly, zebras Safe and sound for eternity, Mon 13 Mar 2006, 19:20, Reply)