The Postman Always Rings Twice
Years ago I met a girl in a pub and we got to chatting about movies. I was pretty keen on getting my leg over so I was plying her with alcopop and pretending to be interested in the same films as her. She was ranting on about some arty film noir piece that was playing in the local independent cinema. The Postman Always Rings Twice. I’d heard of it, but to be honest I didn’t give a toss – no helicopters, no explosions, no zombies = must be shit. But I bluffed and bullshitted and bought us another drink. And another. And another. I was really just seeking a cock warmer.

After a while we were getting pretty wasted and I was getting ever hornier. She was boring me shitless banging on about this old movie but she was responding positively to the flirting and the casual forearm touching that was increasing in contact seconds as the drinks went down. After a bit I suggested we go back to mine but she wasn’t up for that just yet. She wanted to go and see this movie. Fucksocks.

So I, ever hopeful, agreed to this. I calculated a grope in the theatre would be on the cards and after the flick we could get down to the serious in and out. Buy tickets we do and seated we get, right up the back. The Postman Always Rings Twice starts up. I’ve got a serious buzz happening from the beers and I’m pretty chuffed to have pulled this chick. I slide my arm across her shoulders and she nestles in. Nice. I give her upper arm a light caress and she snuggles in more and pushes her body against mine lightly but affirmatively. Game on. Just got to make it though this black and white borefest – praying it’s a 90 minute film, not 2 hours.

20 minutes in I’m in a doze and she nudges me and whispers ‘I need to go to the loo’. Me, being all class, replies, ‘Just squat down here and have a wee’. She gives me a funny look but I point out we are right up the back in an almost deserted theatre. She can see the sense in this given her semi drunk state and pulls her knickers down and squats on the floor. Unbelievable! I had only been taking the piss (pun intended) and didn't seriously think she would do it.

Now, I have to admit I am a bit of a twisted perve so this whole scene was really turning me on… her squatted down beside me, a stream of golden urine flowing from her lotus flower... in the local movie theatre no less! Most excellent result. So I lean forward and slide my hand along the back of her neck. She rolls her head appreciatively which is obviously a signal inviting me to reach further and venture down her top - and so I do. No resistance, so all engines forward. I take the other hand and reach down to her heavenly zone.

Muffness should be goodness, lets face it, but unfortunately I quickly discovered things are not right. Distinctly not right. Seriously wrong in fact because I have my hand around something between ‘her’ legs, and it is long and it is hard! Argh! Not good, not at all good. My blood runs cold and my heart rate accelerates to 250bpm. ‘What the fuck?’ I scream. Mostly my voice is internal but some of it comes out my mouth and some comes out my nose, together forming a squeak that pleads for a negative answer but still must ask ‘Are you a tranny?’ I feel like an ice pick has pierced my spine and time hangs while I wait for a response. But I need not have been so disturbed because she looks up at me and replies, ‘No, silly’ and winking coquettishly adds ‘I changed my mind… I’m having a shit instead.’

Been married 14 years and she is lovely.

edit: lies

( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sun 20 Jul 2008, 6:14, 5 replies)

Ewwwwwwwwww
Bleuch!
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Sun 20 Jul 2008, 6:23, closed)

I was captivated
until that last paragraph. :P

Regardless, clicks are in order for grossing me out at 6:47 in the morning :D
(TheHBoxster is probably playing Beatles Rock Band on, Sun 20 Jul 2008, 6:47, closed)

Great *laughs*
I kind of wish it had been a bloke and you'd been married for 14 years.
( girlinthehole, Sun 20 Jul 2008, 9:48, closed)

hahaha
brilliant.
*clicks*
(Bruceh, Sun 20 Jul 2008, 14:02, closed)

Noice.
I've encountered this joke before, but I like your version better.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 22 Jul 2008, 3:04, closed)