Pebbles on a Plane
Coming back from my delightful dreadful holiday last Friday I was stopped going through airport security.

"You appear to have something solid in your bag, madam. Like a stone."

"Oh yeah, would it be a pebble?" I asked, thinking of the barely-4cm-in-diameter pretty little quartzy thing I'd picked up on the beach and slung in my case without thinking.

"We'll have to check, madam."

And so they opened my overly-crammed case to fish out the tiny pebble. They set it amid my camera cables and underwear strewn across the table and scrutinised it intensely.

"We can't let you take that on the plane, madam. You could put it in a sock and hit someone with it."

Bearing in my mind that the Valium had left my system, there was eight days of pent-up rage coursing through my veins, and I wanted to be anywhere other than the godforsaken hellhole that is Belfast airport, I think I was rather restrained not to bitterly enunciate the words:
"Fine. But I'm about to go to the duty free and buy a massive bottle of scotch which I will then drink, smash, and do more than lightly graze someone's forehead AND ANYWAY I'M WEARING SANDALS AND I DON'T HAVE ANY SOCKS."

So, ladies and gentlemen, forget Snakes on a Plane. There's a more deadly horror in town, and it's Pebbles on a Plane, and the terrifying sequel, Tweezers on a Plane. And don't miss the up-and-coming Half a Bottle of Banana Smoothie on a Plane.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 9:32, 18 replies)

Did you know if you mix a frozen banana smoothie 50/50 with gasoline you can't drink it anymore?

(sorry., Mon 21 Jul 2008, 10:02, closed)

and...
...breathe.
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 10:08, closed)

Airport security
really is a load of bollocks, isn't it?

Pretty much anyone's case could have something in it which could be used as a weapon.

If I put my iPod in a sock and swung it hard enough it could give you a nasty bash on the head.

And tweezers? I mean, you could always pluck someone to death with them!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 10:13, closed)

There was
a great program on a while back where a guy made explosives form commonly available liquids that could be taken in bottles of less than 100ml and then they put it together and destroyed an old aircraft fusealage.

Airport security is about being seen to be doing something. Even though there is no way you can stop someone who is that determined unless search every single person that flies in or out of an airport.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 10:17, closed)

You could, I suppose
have all your passengers fly naked, with no hand baggage, after being subjected to a body cavity search.

But I dare say the airlines would lose money if this were implemented.

They'd always get some new trade from perverts, mind you.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 10:20, closed)

^^
Hello!
(Bazongaloid, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 10:22, closed)

They are a bit silly sometimes
I've been stopped for the belt I was wearing and they eyed it very suspiciously as it was a lapbelt style one with GM on the buckle.

Also stopped for taking easter eggs over to my brother. She really could't figure that one out, even after I explained it was a British tradition and it's only chocolate.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 10:27, closed)

@K2k6
But they'd still be able to use their bodies as weapons.

I feel nostalgic for the days I could take my Swiss-Army knife on a plane.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 10:29, closed)

FFS, Al
How could you suffer that sort of thing?

I mean, flying without hand baggage would be a nightmare.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 10:35, closed)

There's a great story
in the current edition of Private Eye about a woman who was prevented from taking nail scissors on a plane from New Zealand. When she got on the plane, she smelt petrol. She was confused, as she knew that planes don't run on petrol. Investigation by a steward showed that the petrol smell was coming from an overhead locker. It was caused by a leaky...chainsaw. That had been brought on by a passenger - allowed as the inspectors hadn't got "chainsaw" on their list of prohibited items:

click for story, scroll down several paragraphs

I absolutely HATE the farce that is airport security. However, I take great pleasure, in saying loudly in the queue, as everyone gets more and more irate around me, in the manner of Walter off the Big Lebowski: "Well, this is all SO WORTHWHILE. After all, it's part of the War on Terror. And WE'RE WINNING THIS WAR, YES WE ARE".
( I_Was_Mordred, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 10:37, closed)

@Spakka
I used to take my Swiss Army knife on planes too. But soon I won't even be able to carry it in my pocket when I'm walking down the street, if the current dictatorshipgovernment get their way.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 10:39, closed)

That's true
I would need somewhere to keep my keys. And since they would be doing a cavity search it would rule out the obvious places.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 10:47, closed)

@Al
But if you had a keyring just the right diameter...
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 10:54, closed)

GAH!
This makes me angry, having spent the last year spending 3 days a week at heathrow. They will not let you through with an Allen key. An ALLEN KEY FFS! A little teeny pointy bit of stick that you could mercilessly poke the other passengers with. Also, apparently I'm not allowed a 120ml bottle of my lens cleaner that stops my eyes from drying out and breaking on the plane.
TWUNT: I'm sorry, we can't allow you to take that on the plane
ME: Well, the thing is that I need this solution to stop my eyes eating themselves. Since I wear hard contact lenses this is the only brand I can buy, and they only manufacture in 120ml bottles. I can't put it into another bottle as this is sterilised, and I don't have the equipment to do that. It is also only 20ml over your limit
TWUNT: Sorry, your rational argument confuses my head.
ME: Also, if you look over there, that mother is being allowed to bring whatever baby feeding equipment she likes on board without being checked, as you seem to have some sort of fear of offending mothers above and beyond your fear of terrorist attacks.
TWUNT: Guuuuuuuurhghghdksdjddd

Here's the thing- if they can make a bomb in a bottle, they can figure out another way of making an explosive with these stupid guidelines in place. And- what I really love- is that there is no security leaving Heathrow. At all. All you need to do is to stick a bomb in a suitcase, take it in through arrivals hall, and dump it with all the other unclaimed bags.

I think I'm done now.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 11:01, closed)

Lens cleaner
Ditto, same story but the bottle only had a wee bit in the bottom.

Jobsworthtwat: No sorry the bottle says 120 ml.

Me: But it is no where near full. Clearly if it is near the top then maybe, otherwise a blind man on a galloping horse looking the wrong way can see that this is never ever ever ever going to be nearly 100 ml, coupled with the elementary flaw in your arguement that it is clearly , using any of your 5 senses, not a explosive mix of acetone and doober juice.

JWT: Bottle says 120 ml.

GGGaaaaaaHHHHH!!!!!
(Neostenine's maker, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 11:30, closed)

I had the same thing happen on my way home from England this winter.
BGB had some really cool stones that the former homeowner had left behind, so I wanted to take them home- mostly because I have a friend who's crazy about getting rocks from distant places.

No, they wouldn't let me take them onboard. Three pounds of rocks. Idiots.

And yet if I wanted I could take a chunk of fiberglass reinforced nylon- say, a chunk of a car's fan blade- file one edge of it to a really nasty sharpness, and have a truly wicked knife that would go through security easily.

Useless fuckers, the lot of them.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 21 Jul 2008, 13:13, closed)

@althegeordie
You're absolutely correct about airport security being just a matter of "being seen to be doing something".

I work at Heathrow, and in our offices we have knives and scissors. Furthermore, I am responsible for searching passengers' *checked-in* luggage, where I may take out any item I wish - then I have direct access to aircraft. I once confiscated a machete.

The joke is, however, that I still have to take off my shoes while going through "security", in case I might have a razor blade concealed in the sole!

I mean, seriously. If I wanted to take sharp items onto a plane then I could... as you can plainly see. But the Department for Transport still wants to maintain a façade that they are secure. In all honesty, the only thing they achieve is to piss off the staff members when we're forced to submit to pat-down searches.
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 13:40, closed)

EuroSong
If you work at Terminal 4, may I suggest that you make the oversized baggage shute not be spasticated any more. Every bloody time I have to climb up it and retrieve my flight cases myself, as they get stuck. And there is never anyone working there to help, or tell me off.

And sack everone involved in baggage handling off flight from Nice. Wait 1 hour, every time. There are 11 flights a day. You'd think they'd have sorted that one by now.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 13:58, closed)