My idea of a trip to the pictures
by Bert Sexmonkey, aged 26 and three quarters.

To save on cash, rather than actually see the latest Batman film everybody seems to be raving about (and because I know I will be bitterly disappointed if it doesn't live up to all the hype you lot have been propagating), I've decided to make up my own Batman film. In my head. For FREE.

*Opening credits*
A dark, shiny bat symbol appears over a grey, cloudy cityscape, and the theme music begins ever so softly and quietly in the background.

*dunananananananananananaNANER BATMAN!*

A poor defenceless young lady is being mugged by a gang of hoodlums with knives, the Dark Knight swoops in and engages them in bloody combat.

ZIP! KA-PLOOEY! BIFF! ZAM! KA-BLAMMO!

Young lady who has now been rescued: Thank you, Batman. You saved me!
Christian Bale: dunananananananananananaNANER BATMAN!

SCENE TWO
Failed circus entertainer and drug addict Heath Ledger (sounds like a fucking mossy overgrowth on a window sill if you ask me), is deeply upset with life in general, decides to go a bit emo and covers himself in silly face paint.

Heath (to his parents): You don't understand me!
His mother (played by Una Stubbs): That's because you iz a bit mental isn't it? lol.
Heath: Raaaargh!

Heath then kills his parents using an umbrella that fires poisonous purple gas

SCENE THREE
Bale arrives home at Wayne Mansion.

Michael Caine: Awright guv'na? How are ya, me old china plate?
Christian Bale: dunananananananananananaNANER BATMAN!
Michael Caine: Crivens and gadzooks and lawks-a-mussy! There appears to be some trouble down at the old green poison gas factory!

Bale lifts the head on a bust of William Shakespeare, and slides down a pole to the Batcave.

dunananananananananananaNANER BATMAN!

Bale kills the Joker (without actually meaning to), Morgan Freeman provides wise words about life, that bird in it fancies the pants off Wayne and Batman but can't decide between them, Police Commissioner Gordon smokes a cigar, the Batmobile jumps some orphans, and Harvey Dent accidentally answers the iron.

Dent: Yeeeeaaaarrgggh!!

Bale: dunananananananananananaNANER BATMAN!

*END CREDITS*


( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 13:54, 23 replies)

I have to admit
Harvey Dent answering the iron is better than what they actually did to him.

That said, though, I can tell you that the actual film won't disappoint. I was suitably impressed.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 22 Jul 2008, 14:07, closed)

In Batman Forever
The Joker sprays acid on his face, doesn't he?

I just know that if I go and I'm expecting it to be really great, I'll be disappointed. Tell me it's crap, I'm sure I'll enjoy it then.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 14:10, closed)

I love you Burt.
Another piece of fantastic oddness.
( Cawl, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 14:13, closed)

I really can't think
of any part of it that I'd call crap. It was all very nicely done, despite Michael Caine's bloody fookin' Cockney-ness.

These films bear the same resemblance to the other Batman films that they bore to the old TV series- that is to say, almost none. Nicholson's Joker was just vaguely irritating. This Joker is fucking scary.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 22 Jul 2008, 14:14, closed)

Oh Kaol,
You spoil me!

I only knocked this up in 5 minutes, I wish I had the time to do some proper posting.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 14:15, closed)

Bloody hell Bert.
Sex god, friend to all the animals and now screen writer. Is there no end to your talent.
( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 14:17, closed)

I know what you mean
I've had next to no time for posting proper stories this week.

Bit rubbish.
( Cawl, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 14:18, closed)

@BGB
Yes, yes there is an end to my talent.
You've seen the photos, it's approximately 7.5" of talent.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 14:20, closed)

Also,
I may go see this tonight, thanks to my little friend who works in the cinema.
( Cawl, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 14:26, closed)

haha!
I hope it's like this. I'm seeing it on Thurs.
xj
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 14:43, closed)

I should be in Marketing for Warner Bros...
SEE THE DARK KNIGHT. It is the BEST Batman film... EVAR!

(and Michael Caine is a God.)

I do like this story though. Perhaps theyt can use it as an extra on the Doovd?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 14:57, closed)

send it to Scaryduck
He likes those condensed film-script things.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 15:00, closed)

Crap joke time
What does Batman's mother say when it's time for dinner?
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 15:20, closed)

Dinnerdinnerdinnerdinnerdinnerdinnerdinnerdinner
BATMAN!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 15:25, closed)

HAHA!
It was a trick question! Bruce Wayne was orphaned long before he became Batman...
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 15:36, closed)

@Cockbrush
Pfffft for orphans!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 15:46, closed)

Orphans
Orphans are like normal people whose parents couldn't be bothered to stay alive to look after them.

apologies to any real orphans out there
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 16:09, closed)

@al
Again, pffft!

My daddy didn't die, but he left anyway. What a lazy cunt.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 17:37, closed)

@Bert
but at least he wasn't so lazy that couldn't be arsed to keep breathing. That's real laziness.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 17:52, closed)

*chuckle*
I look forward to the sequel.
(Happycow - 2% pure beef, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 18:04, closed)

Thanks...
...now I won't be able to watch TDK without thinking of this.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 18:22, closed)

Bertie
It IS that good :) You're gonna love it.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 23:48, closed)

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 9:01, closed)