FLIRTATIOUS FOODSTUFFS
A girl who used to do my sales support would get a present from me every morning.

I’d bring her in a Cadburys Cream Egg and sit and watch as she seductively peeled back the foil wrapper as if it was a metal foreskin and bury her plump, gorgeous lip glossed mouth over the chocolate ‘cock head’. Then, with my heart racing ever-so-slightly, she’d expertly pull back the remaining wrapper with her long, strong fingers and proceed to feed the remaining bit of Cream Egg into the back of her mouth with a slow, low sucking motion.

Used to make my morning.

Then one day she realised what I was up to and stopped accepting my chocolaty gifts. Fair plays, I’d been rumbled. Bit looking on the bright side she had put on a few pounds by this stage and wasn’t really looking that hot anymore...

This encounter with my Cream Egg eating sales support got me thinking about the fine practiced skill some ladies are blessed with: Namely flirtatiousness through the medium of eating stuff. The Cadburys Caramel advert? Who wouldn’t bone that bunny after she’s expertly chowed down on that stick of gooey caramel filled goodness? Especially considering you know she likes a portion of stuff in her gob with the sticky consistency of lumpy tadpole broth? And you ever seen a girl* eating a banana without giving you a full-on spunk-seeping stiffy? It’s physically im-bloody-possible.

At round this time I was trying my luck with a mate of a mate, a girl who was witty, intelligent, thoughtful, and completely out of my fucking league.

It must’ve been the fourth or fifth date. I was down several hundred quid and hadn’t even received a handjob in return. Things were getting desperate. We were sat in this swanky restaurant in Camden chit-chatting about politics or fuck knows what, when it suddenly occurred to me:

Maybe the playing with food thing works the other way round too and its not just a woman being sexy to a man thing! So, when our first course finally turned up I very slowly – and very tentatively – still chatting away about the weather, holidays, and other such idle bollocks...

... reached out with my hand and...

My date stopped talking and stared me directly in the eye.

“Why are you fingering your prawn cocktail?” she asked. “That’s just weird. Stoppit! People might see!”

Didn’t see her much after that date. And when I did she tended to point me out to her friends who’d look over, giggle, and fuck off as quickly as humanly fucking possible.


*Any girl over the legal age of consent, of course. Not unless they’re one of those incredibly fit private school Lolita types with the knee-high socks and training bra ensemble, absolutely gagging for it, and there’s absolutely no chance in the world whatsoever you could get caught and find yourself banged up in Wormwood Scrums where a fella named Derek who’s in for armed robbery takes a liking to your sweet virgin posterior and decides to use you as one of his ‘prison wives’.
( SpankyHanky, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 9:37, 9 replies)

lol....but I gotta ask;
How exactly do you finger a prawn cocktail?

Seriously.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 9:59, closed)

officechortle
Brightened up my Monday morning slightly, cheers!
(TheColonel, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 10:01, closed)

Spanky, you do realise you will be locked up sooner or later?
click tit
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 22 Feb 2010, 10:03, closed)

Spanky
You really should have your own TV show!
(Obi wanker nobi Its not a bug, its an unexpected feature, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 11:12, closed)

the bunny
was Cadbury's Caramel I seem to remember. Flake was the girl in the bath who had little care to avoid flooding the kitchen below her.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 11:38, closed)

Cheers
Strange thing, that: Flake ad or Cadburys Caramel ad. Nine out of ten fellas I know would rather bone the bunny than one of those real live ladies in the Flake ads. Maybe its just a deep routed mass-perversion for lads who grew up in the eightees?

Or maybe its the complete revulsion, nay, FEAR of getting it on with a lady sporting a veritable forest of 80's bush in their underpants...?
( SpankyHanky, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 11:44, closed)

you know the woman who does the caramel bunny voice is 60 odd?

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/1735103.stm

true b3tans wank over cartoon bunnies with voices of 60 year old women.
(TexasPete enjoyed being sexually molested by your Father on, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 12:02, closed)

Jollyjack and his squirrels don't help things
He draws plenty of wank-ammo :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 12:12, closed)

This reminds me:
You should never, under any circumstances, EVER watch your mum eat a banana...

Well, unless you're Spanky...
( snee held his breath since, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:49, closed)