Before QOTW
there was the alt.tastless news group, that used to keep me in officeLOL's

so apologies for the plagerism but this is funny so worth it


Dear at'ers!

Once upon at time, I was browsing through alt.sex.bondage
and therein I found a "Guide for Slaves" posted by "rage".

I read through this guide, when under punishments I found this gem:

[Punishment] #25 -
"Smear a dildo with lubricant and sprinkle it with red pepper.
Insert it into your ass and enjoy the crashing waves of pain.
(Only for the truly daring. Serious enthusiasts only.)"

I think to myself: HA! That's just right for me. [1]
::now saying in a manly deep voice:: Hey, I'm a *real* man.
I can stand this. I am tough and *real* hardcore. ::thumping chest::

So I got a tampon [2](no, back then, I didn't have a dildo ),
smeared liberally it not with red pepper, *but* red Tobasco sauce.
(Yes, I *am* a man..) The stuff didn't soak easily into the tampon,
so it kept running onto my hands.

Moving to my knees, I bent forward as if worshipping Glub. Taking
the now soaked TobascoTampon(tm), I shoved it deep into my rectum.
Even the string that was dangling out was soaked in the red liquid.
Taking my reeking Tobasco hands, I rubbed them against my bunghole.

Hmm. It started to get warm. I rubbed my asshole a little.
It felt good.

It got warmer. Oh... I think I like this. ::sigh:: Pleasant.
I was stroking my choad. Oh Oh... ::moan::


The heat builds..it gets hot. Yeah. That's what I want.
Oh... stronger. Yeah, show it to me. I had now a happy face.

Now it gets even hotter. I'm tough. I'm real tough.
Yeah, that's what I like, give it to me, yeah, yeah.
I have a blissful face. The eyes closed, fantasizing.
(No, I won't tell about the rubber clad dominatrix, not this time.)

Then...BLAM!! A FUCKING THERMONUCLEAR FUSION BOMB EXPLODED IN MY
ASSHOLE.
My eyes were wide open. Very wide. My face had
a surprised expression. Just like the face you would have,
if you'd shower, drop your soap, bend down, only to be
suddenly and violently butt-fucked by an 300 ton elephant.
I yanked the tampon ("OUCH OUCH OUCH") out. My whole colon was
twitching in agony and pain. I felt like I was being impaled with
a red hot glowing poker into my anus. My face was twisted and
distorted by the crashing waves of pain. No ma'am that's not
funny. I bit in the pillow. Nothing helped to fight this
fire that was growing stronger. I felt my sphincter melting as if
it were being treated by a blowtorch. Terrible amounts of pain drove
my sexual arousement away.

No...WAIT...STOP...
The blowtorch had now turned into an oxygen lance....
charring my colon and flesh.

I *ran*, no I *FLEW* into the shower. Ice-cold water.
I let it spray onto my ass, and used soap.
Suddenly, the *real* tough man was turned into a screaming
banshee: "OWWWWAAAAOOOAHHH *DUMB FUCK* *ME DUMB FUCK*"
My once hard-looking face had turned into a pain-twisted
grimace.

But the lava elixir was deep in my skin and my bunghole. All
of me smelled like tobasco. I wanted to rub it out with my index
finger. But as I touched my burning sphincter, my newly acquired
rectal volcano broke out with fierce intensity.

So I stood there in the shower, the ice-cold water touched
my anus, controlling the pain. A little.

Eventually (after 300 years) the pain ebbed. (I guess all
the nerves were killed by the evil tobasco). My whole body
smelled like this devilish liquid.
I dragged myself, wet as I was, onto my bed
My whole body was exhausted. Just like after a 100-hour
fuck fest. Dead but happy. I was feeling quite normal, but
compared to the previous feelings, this felt *extremely* good.

Then I slept.

For the next few days I was constipated and could still smell the
stench of tobasco. When finally the turds came, they
had this very familiar odor, the same one my farts had.


This was the worst pain in the butt I had ever experienced in my
entire life. And trust me. I've done *lots* of things.

Six months later, I did it again.
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:08, 10 replies)

That Dildo Chillis
Sparked a large amount of controversy last time it was mentioned on here no? Heehee!
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:14, closed)

Indeed
people got quite het up.
( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 17:25, closed)

it was a 'prank'
though wasn't it? someone put chili on a rampant rabbit as a 'joke' understandably everyone was outraged

this guy decided to put a tampon soaked in tabasco up his own flue to see what it felt like
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 17:34, closed)

Idea for next time:
Have a milk enema ready.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:15, closed)

Six months later, I did it again.
Sheer Genius!
( Sunburn Go on.... It's character building!, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:24, closed)

^^this

(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 17:35, closed)

^^ seconded/thirded/whatever

(Pope Jamiroquai III, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 1:27, closed)

.
A *click* for a fellow A.Ter.
( speedyballbangpots, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:31, closed)

*Clicked*
Mainly for - "Six months later, I did it again."
(Scritty Bakerman., Thu 6 Aug 2009, 22:00, closed)

^^
It was the Tobasco smelling farts that had me
(suicidalducky has too much time on his hands, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 3:28, closed)